The Diary Of A Lonely Girl By Esmeray Love

January 5 2023

Heyyy,
It's quite early for me to write, I don't usually right at this time but had to get this off me.

A couple of hours ago I recieved my Olympiad results and I came 4th. I'm sad because I'm ashamed I don't regret it but I'm still ashamed on not that I did not study but at the fact that there are people who are better than me and I have to see them everyday. I feel horrendous.

You know what the best part is even after righting this down I don't feel good. I can still feel myself drowning in the pool of shame. Those who won are not gonna make fun of me (not all of them) but I still wouldn't be able to stand it.

Idk why I'm feeling this because there are things that are more important other than winning. I know. Really. Because the the most intelligent are not the wealthiest, the funniest are not the most respected, the most famous are not the most friendly, and so on.....
But I don't know what I want to be- the smartest, or the most respected, or the wealthiest.
Idk
I can't be all because then I'll be nothing.
Maybe the most I wanna be is loved.
But then again I've lost all my hope.
Wealthiest would be too safe answer.
Smartest I do not want to be.
I do wanna be beautiful.

I wanna be respected and feared. More than anything. Yeah that's it.
It's gonna be hard because I'm not the person who does the best work. I'll have to change myself a little of course but if it means that I'll be respected then it doesn't fucking matter.

You know what I feel better now.
It's magic. This place where I write. It's truly magic.
I asked questions I got answers.
And this is the best thing ever because I've asked these questions to too many and nothing. But I've finally found it. I don't deserve to be here. And that's a fucking first I've ever said that.
This is so good.
That's what I wanna be in my life, respected.
Whatever it takes.

Love you,(btw I just completed love, Simon. It was great)