The Cabin

Layla

While driving to Sebastaisn's home, I try to let myself give into tunnel vision, but anxiety keeps bringing me back to reality. I get to feel every second, and the excruciating moments are difficult to manage on my own. I hate driving. I hate how unsafe I feel. I am in a metal box, traveling fast down a road that is partially covered in snow and slush. If it gets any colder, the slush will be ice and then it is even more dangerous. I try to control my breathing. If Bash was with me, I wouldn't be driving. If Bash was with me, he would help me breathe and control my anxiety. Even though he is an engineering major Bash focuses on me the exact moment I need him. I am a psychology major who can't deal with her own issues. I shut down when I am too overwhelmed. I wish I could help Bash out with his engineering work, but people have always seemed easier to me.

This year, the college Sebastian and I attend is trying something new. The first semester is ending the day before Thanksgiving. Everyone has needed a break. Professors have been short with students and students have been giving up left and right. Work is subpar at best, and professors don't want to what little energy they have, to grade our work. I doubt the University will try this plan again next year. Sebastian's professors have required in-person finals. I was one of the lucky ones. Psychology professors see the value of human connection and understand mental exhaustion so, many of them have opted for online multiple-choice finals that have a window of opportunity to take them. I could be anywhere in the world and take my finals whereas Bash had to be in his assigned seat. While Sebastian has a rigorous finals schedule, I had a flexible window to get finals done. I finished my last final before I left today so a big weight has been lifted off my chest.

When we realized how different our timelines were going to be, Sebastian and I decided that we would travel separately. I could travel to his home a day earlier than him and get to spend time with his parents. I could use this time to get his mother to like me. I am guessing that Bash didn't want me as a distraction during his finals. Bash's last final is his most difficult and I never want to get in his way. Education is important and we both respect each other's endeavors.

Over the Summer, Sebastian wanted me to meet his family, so we all got together at his family's lake house for a weekend. It felt like a really big step for us. Bash has two siblings, his older brother Mark is married to his high school sweetheart, and his sister Margret is currently engaged to a soon-to-be lawyer. I didn't feel like I was significant when we were all there. Everyone was nice to me, well almost everyone. Bash's mom gave me the 3rd degree and asked questions like she already knew the answer to them. Anyhow, maybe some time with Bash's mother without the pressure of too many others will help her warm up to me.

"She doesn't like me Sebastian, and you know it," I said as soon as Sebastian and I got into the car to leave the lakehouse. "You're over-exaggerating," Bash responded as he put his seatbelt on.

"Your mother embarrassed me. She hates me and wanted me to make a fool of myself." I exclaimed. Bash remained quiet. "I just need to show her that I can be good enough for her perfect son." I continued on. "She just needs more time to get to know you," Bash said while trying to reverse down the drive. "So you admit it! You felt it too!" I responded. Bash was quiet for a long time and this conversation would be put on hold for months.

When we looked at our finals schedule, Bash brought up the idea that I go early and spend time with his parents. "My mother just needs time to get to see how much of a beautiful person you are. I am sure once she spends time with you, she will love you." Sebastian said trying to butter me up several weeks ago. "What happens if she hates me even after this?" I asked. I never wanted to come between Bash and his family, but what if this was a wedge that I couldn't fix? "My mother will love you, not as much as me of course, but she will learn to love you." I knew Bash could sense my hesitation because he added "You won't be alone. My father will be there as well and he already adores you. Maybe my dad can help you and possibly cast a lifeline if needed. Mr. Williams had been really nice when we met at the Lakehouse. Sebastian's dad even sent Sebastian money to give to me so I could buy my last two Textbooks. Mr. Williams was so genuinely kind. Bash said his father sent the money as an apology for his mother's unspeakable actions.

Right now, my heart is in my throat. A pit in my stomach is aching so much it has numbed any sense of hunger. I haven't eaten today and I don't care. I white-knuckle the steering wheel as I drive. I have my favorite music playing. Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, and Tchaikovsky keep me company. I didn't want any lyrics to distract me as I drive. I was two hours into the drive when I heard Sebastian's personalized ringtone playing from my phone. I turned off my music and put the phone on speaker as it lay in my passenger seat.

"Hi, sweetheart! How are you doing?" Sebastian's voice sent an immediate wave of calm throughout my body.

"I'm doing fine. I had a late start so I am still on the road." I responded. I had to talk kind of loud because my Jeep didn't do a great job of silencing the wind outside.

"How far have you gotten?" Bash asked,

"Oh, I'm about an hour and a half out" I responded. I tried to sound present in the conversation, but a semi was about to pass me and I know my voice reflected my anxiety.

"How are the roads?" Bash asked. I knew he was trying to relax and distract me.

"They seem fine now, but I heard there was a storm coming through tomorrow so look out for that. You can't mediate between me and your mother if you aren't there and I can only ask your father for so many lifelines." responded, I had a touch of sarcasm in my voice. Bash laughed and responded with "I will be safe as long as you are. Call me as soon as you get there."

"I will, I love you so much, Bash. Do good on your last final. Study hard." I said in rapid succession. "I will and I love you too. Stay safe." Sebastian said in a quiet yet sweet tone. Bash knew how to make me melt. Bash hung up the phone first, I'm guessing he did it so that I didn't have to take my eyes off the road. I looked at my phone for a quick second and saw that the latest direction was "Continue straight for 43 miles" and relaxed a little bit. I had enough time to hope that tunnel vision would take over and time would fly by. I still, however, wasn't lucky and felt time creak by so slowly.