The Cabin

Sebastian: Guilt

Sebastian

18 days. My Layla has been missing for 18 days.

The investigation into Layla's disappearance is just stuck cycling through two possibilities. The investigators are divided between two different scenarios. On one hand, some believe that Layla's absence is due to her willingly taking her own trip away for the holiday break. Some detectives believe that Layla will come home soon or around Christmas. The other explanation is that Layla is physically unable to come home. Either she is lost, stuck somewhere, or her body hasn't been located yet. The one thing that both sides agree on, is that we, as her friends and family should remain positive and have hope.

I swear to God that if one more person tells me, or comments on a post that I should "stay positive during these trying times" or that this is "God's plan." I am going to go ballistic. I don't know what to feel, so I am willingly and intentionally choosing not to feel anything. Feelings and emotions aren't going to save Layla, action will. I have shifted my local search for Layla to the internet. I have talked to over 160 people in person, I have handed out over 450 Fliers and I am no closer to having Layla back in my arms. I feel as though Layla is drifting further and further from me. The physical searching I did during the first week and a half that Layla was too much for me. I know that saying looking for Layla was "too much," is awful, but it was. On my last day looking, I collapsed on the sidewalk. Some nearby people rushed over to me. I was dehydrated, I had low blood sugar, and was reaching the point of exhaustion. Someone bought a Gatorade, and someone else bought me a sandwich. I will forever be grateful for the kindness of those strangers. They all knew why I was there and why I reached the point I was at, so I think they were extra kind to me. That was my breaking point I didn't tell my parents of this event, I didn't tell anyone. When it came to a physical search I knew I could no longer continue. After that day, I just needed to find a new way of searching for Layla and taking care of myself at the same time.

My solution has been to create a website. The front page is all the information on her "Missing Person" poster. One tab is labeled Layla and it is filled with pictures of Layla, some are of her with her family, and some are of her alone. Most of the photos of her alone were pictures I took of her when we were out on dates or just alone. I have been told that we need to humanize Layla. Humanizing Layla could have different effects based on who sees them. Layla could come across this website and be reminded of her previous life and everything she left behind. The person who has Layla will be reminded that she is a person and not a possession. My last reason is if Layla is dead, this website can be her memorial. I know it's a morbid thought.

Another tab is dedicated to tips. Anyone, anywhere, can write a tip if they have seen her or have a theory on where Layla has gone. The last tab on the website is a link to a Go Fund Me page for Layla's family. Layla's mom is not coping well at all. Layla's mom hasn't really left the house and is currently not in a state to work. Layla's dad has recently gone back to work because bills started piling up. Layla's dad has been allowed to carry his phone with him and is allowed to leave work anytime he needs to for updates on the case. Layla's family is starting to hurt for money and they will no longer take any money or assistance from my family. They don't want to be a burden and want to get through this alone.

Layla's disappearance made us all grow so much closer, but no one ever warns you about that wall you hit both as a group and individually. In the beginning, we all came together and bonded over our belief that Layla would return or be found soon. Then, we started drifting apart as hope began to fade. Now, it seems as though each person is on their own. We all believe something different happened and we need time to process our thoughts. One group of us is correct.

I don't know what Layla's family is thinking because we haven't seen them or spoken to them in days. They promised to keep us updated, but we haven't heard anything for a while. My mother believes that Layla couldn't take the pressure of school and seeing our family again, so she took off. My father believes that Layla is just lost somewhere. I don't know how he can believe this idea because Layla would have died of exposure a long time ago. I don't know what to believe so I don't hold too close to any theory.

During the day, I pour myself into the website and check how many tips have come in. So far about 12 tips have been posted to the site. None of them have panned out. At night I feel like a different person. At night I can't distract myself. I lay in bed and pray that my mind drifts off to sleep. I cycle through the same thing every night: First, I remember wonderful memories with Layla, each night is a different moment. Secondly, I think about Layla being happy somewhere else and starting a new life. I picture stumbling into her years down the road at a farmers' market or something. Thirdly, I imagine Layla in trouble on her way to my house. I know she is afraid of driving so maybe something happened on the road. I know it doesn't explain why her Jeep was found at the bus station, but I can't shake this theory. Lastly, Layla crossed paths with someone on the road and they overpowered her. Either someone has Layla or they have already killed her. As each scenario gets worse, I feel more guilty.

Somehow I know that this is all my fault. I am to blame no matter the circumstance. The guilt eats away at my numbness and I begin to sob. Every night I think about Layla. Every night I cry. I suffer for what seems like hours when I know in reality is just minutes. It is only after my eyes are sore and puffy that they feel heavy and I can drift off into a nightmare-filled sleep. This is my penance. I tell no one because I know I deserve this. Layla is my fault and I don't deserve a sleepless night.

I currently know that I am at a standstill. I don't know what to do about it. I cling to my phone and computer. I get news alerts whenever someone posts a new article with Layla's name. I stay in my room and I wait to wither away. I love my parents for their different reactions. My mother baby's me any moment she can. I get asked, "How are you? What have you eaten today? Is there any news? Can I do anything for you?" Every day my mother comes home. My mother's constant pestering after I give her the same answers of " good, nothing, no, no." is fantastic. I am not sure what she wants to hear from me. I could lie, but then she would become even more upset.

My father on the other hand has given me the space I need. My father checks on me sometimes and gets me out of my room, but he doesn't push me. I know they are both trying to cope with the Layla situation just as much as they are trying to cope with me. I wonder if they can see how empty I am. I feel excitement every time I get an unrecognized phone call, but resume my vacant state as soon as a news reporter introduces themselves, or when a robocall lets me know my warranty is about to expire. Whenever a new tip comes in on the website, I get a ping and I rush to refresh the page. I forward the tip to the detective on Layla's case. When I hear the standard "Thank you for letting us know, we will look into that" I shut off again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be and I don't know what to feel.

I know that only letting myself experience the two extremes is unhealthy. I either feel everything or I feel nothing. I wonder how long it will be until my parents suggested I see a therapist. I am sure they both have good contacts, but I am not ready to speak everything into existence. I understand that Layla is missing, but I can't process the fact that she is gone. I know that I am not personally responsible for her disappearance, but that doesn't stop me from feeling immeasurable guilt. I know that talking to someone would help, but I am not ready for it yet. I am not ready to feel better. I need this just a little longer. I need this guilt. Guilt is all I can feel right now and currently, I can manage it. If they take this guilt from me, what will I have left? What other waves of emotions will I have to maneuver? Would I survive feeling everything again?