The Cabin

Sebastian

Sebastian 

It has been 12 days and Layla still had not returned.
The police informed us that they had several theories and they assured us that they were looking into all of them. One of the theories was that Layla left and went somewhere willingly. They presumed that Layla had a difficult semester and needed to take some time to herself for a bit. This was the theory that Layla's parents clung to the most because any other theory ends in devastation and trauma. The other theories were less favorable. Layla was either dead from exposure from the cold temps or dead from being murdered. Layla could be lost or trafficked. Because we didn't have a body yet, we all wanted to believe she was lost. Maybe she hit her head and got amnesia. None of us wanted Layla to be dead unless it was a better situation than the one she was currently in (if she was in a situation). We were all just grasping for straws at the moment. Every time there was a reported sighting of Layla, Layla's parents wanted to personally go and check, but the police kept them home.

Layla's family stayed with us for a full week, but they began to feel as though they were intruding so they went home. We are still looking and we are assured that the police are also searching, but without a pinpoint location of where she went missing, we can't get a search team to scour the land in any helpful way. Layla's phone was traced and Layla was believed to have been an hour and a half away from my parent's house when we talked. Locating her phone call location has cut down the search size significantly but still, it was rather wide. Police are checking lakes and rivers near the highway.

I am four steps beyond exhausted. Every morning, I search for Layla. While the first several days were spent driving and searching, now I am unconsciously searching and consciously searching. I have been driving to the towns between Layla's pinpoint and here. I stand in busy areas and I hand out fliers and ask people if they have seen her. Every time I see a woman with the same hair color and length as Layla, I chase after them in hopes it's her. Every waking moment is spent looking and I do it gladly because what if the next person I ask has seen her? I am not sleeping well and I haven't had an appetite since finals.

My parents are growing really worried about me, but I need to keep looking for Layla. They don't understand that this whole thing is my fault.
If I had asked Layla to ride with me, none of this would have happened. I was the one who suggested that Layla go early to spend time with my family. I was the one who set this whole thing up. I will never know a moment's happiness until I have her back. I deserve what I am currently going through and worse. Layla's family is still so welcoming toward me but I can see it in their eyes. If it wasn't for me, they would have their daughter. I deserve this, they don't.

I began my morning the same way I had for nearly two weeks, but I was stopped by my parents. They were both sitting on the couch as I was getting ready to leave. It wasn't even 7 in the morning, but both of them were wide awake and drinking coffee. My mother looked as though she didn't sleep, my father looked lost in thought. I stopped in my tracks.
"Hey Sebastian, where are you off to?" My mother asked, she tried to sound nonchalant but there was too much tension in her voice.
"I'm going out," I answered. I didn't want to do this whole thing.
"Without breakfast? Let me make you breakfast!" My mother responded quickly.
"Not hungry," I replied and started for the door once more. My father joined the conversation. "Please, son. Let us make you some food before you go." My father said in a calm even tone.
"Not hungry" I repeated.
"We can do pancakes and eggs, maybe some bacon?" my father insisted.
"Not hungry!" I yelled back. I had not the time nor the patience for this discussion today.
"Sebastian!" my mother called out. "We both know that you are going through a devastating experience right now, but we cannot continue to let you continue like this. You are becoming unhealthy. You are not eating, I wonder how you get any fluids in you, and you are not sleeping well."
"I need to find her!" I yelled back, I don't know why I was shouting, but I felt as though I needed to. I needed to do something and if I wasn't searching, this was the next best thing.
"You need to be at your best for Layla. You are not at your best. Take one day off sweetheart." my mother suggested calmly.
"What if I go out looking instead?" My father asked.
"No. I need to do this, this is my fault. I need to be the one that finds her." Saying this all out loud brought tears to my eyes, but I didn't want to cry. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop.
"You don't have to do this alone Sebastian." my father said in the same comforting voice he has been using ever since Layla went missing.
"What if I go out looking for her today, you stay here with your mother and I will call you if I know anything?" My father suggested. The thought of not looking for Layla today both repulsed and relaxed me. I could feel the tired achiness in my bones, my head felt heavy and the pit in my stomach was just masking my hunger.
"But I have to find Layla." I pleaded. Just knowing that I wanted to spend the day here instead of looking for Layla made me cry. How could I live with myself? I can't take a day off, and Layla can't take a break, so why should I be allowed to? I began to break down crying. My mother wrapped herself around me and I could feel my father join in. It was a group hug just like the one we shared in the office over a week ago. I sobbed and I sobbed. I was just so tired I couldn't help but cry. I was tired of searching. I was tired of driving, I was tired of being lonely. I was tired of feeling guilty. I was tired of being tired.

Whenever these sorts of stories hit the news, friends, and families search for weeks constantly. I don't know how they can do it. My adrenaline has been spent, and my hope was fading, I just want to acknowledge it.
"Just one day." I got out between sobs. The hug around me tightened. When we all separated, I said, "I don't think I am up for a full breakfast yet. Could we please do something small?" I asked as I wiped my wet face. "You got it bud," My father said and joy crossed his face. My mother kept watching me and gauging my reactions. "Why don't you take a shower, and we will have breakfast when you are ready." My mother suggested. I got myself ready on autopilot, but when I stepped into the shower, I came back into focus. I treated myself and took a good shower. I washed my hair, face, and body. This was the first genuine shower I had taken in two weeks.

When I arrived in the kitchen there were grapes, toast, and some eggs. There wasn't too much of each because my parents didn't want to seem too enthusiastic, but I appreciated their effort. I began by eating buttered toast. It almost hurt to eat at first. I had been eating snacks lately but not usually anything more. I think my throat and stomach seem overwhelmed at the sight of real food in front of me. My parents just stood across the kitchen by the stove drinking their coffees. They watched me as I sat at the island and began eating. It seemed as though each parent thought that the other wasn't watching. They both want to keep everything feeling casual, but they were both wrong because they unreservedly stared me down as I took each bite. My father realized that my mother couldn't take her eyes off me so he used this uncomfortable realization as a reason for him to leave.
"Well, I am going to be out all day. Don't wait up for me if I am too late for dinner." My father said as he placed his coffee cup into the sink. My mother wished him well, but never stopped watching me.

That day was the day of rest that I needed. My mother gave me some sleeping pills. I was out for almost the entire day. I only woke up when my mom brought in homemade soup. Her soup wasn't as good as my father's, but it was still good. My mom tried to get me to take several vitamins, but I was too tired. I would most likely choke on them and die right in front of her.
My mother made Shepard's pie for dinner and we ate, just the two of us. My father texted my mother that he would be home soon but not to wait for him. When My father returned, my mother and I were on our second bowls. My father looked pleased with my appetite. "It's snowing out," was his only verbal comment. As a family, we all went to the windows and watched the snow fall. For the first time in a while, I felt serenity. Watching the big snowflakes float down, brought me solace.
"Layla loves the snow. I wonder if she can see it now, wherever she is" I said quietly.
"I bet the snow has brought her joy, wherever she is" my mother answered. We all stood there for a while without a second thought. We let our food get cold but none of us minded. This was like the first family dinner in years. We sat in silence. The only sound was that of forks gliding along plates. I didn't ask about Layla, if my father knew anything, he would have called me earlier.

"Well, I am going to head to bed. I will have a big day tomorrow." I said and saw the look of happiness drop a bit from my mother's face. "I told you I would give you one day, and I have given you that. I must return and look for Layla again. I am sure that Layla is out there and I intend on finding her." I said to neither of them in particular and I put my plate in the sink. As I walked by my parents again, I could tell I disrupted their whispers, but I continued walking. If I got a good night's sleep I would feel refreshed tomorrow.

I however did not get a good night's rest and instead tossed and turned with nightmares of Layla being lost in the woods. I did not wake feeling refreshed, but I still got ready and continued my search.