The Zabini Twins

Hope

I made my appearance on Monday, not at breakfast, but at our first class.  Transfiguration.

I didn't feel any excitement upon returning to my studies like I used to.  Seems like no one did.  And honestly, who could blame them?  We just went through a fucking war.  Most people who fought in it weren't even of age and yet they had to watch their world go up in flames in something no one should have to experience. We watched loved ones die and others get severely injured.  The only person we could trust in that war was ourselves.  You never knew who could backstab you and who was a spy.  People do insane things for their lives.  For their loves...

I never experienced that.  No one would ever love me, and no one ever has.  I don't quite blame them.  I had no hope for it.  That's another thing.  Hope.  It could destroy you as you see horrible things happen, the things that you wished wouldn't.  Or it could help you as you watch your dreams come true.  During this war, everyone kept losing hope as they saw loved ones die before their eyes.  It seemed like everyone's hope got sucked out of them.  There was none left in this place.  Only memories.  Memories that are so vivid, but can never be experienced again.  Not after our trust in the school's safety was broken.  Not after the people we shared those memories with were killed.  Because that's the truth.  People died.  Not just physically, but emotionally too.  No one would ever go back to the way they were before this war.  Take Harry and Ron.  They were the ones almost all my memories were shared with, all my time and effort.  But now, I'll never get those two back.  Not the two that I remember.  All I have now are fakes.  Replacements of people that turned bad.  People who showed their true colors.  

I, myself, can never go back.  If they tried, they might be able to, but I can't.  I'm a Zabini now.  No longer a Granger.  No longer a mudblood.  Didn't mean I felt any better about myself.  If anything, I just felt even more lost now.  At least before, I'd had a basic knowledge of what I was meant to be.  A mudblood, an outcast, and a slave to my parent's whims.  Now, I have to restart.  I have no idea about anything in a pureblood's world and even less on how to act in it.  My new parents don't seem to ever be around and when they are, don't want me to do stuff for them.  My brother hardly wants to talk to me and the same with his friends.  At least one thing's for sure.  I'm still an outcast.  Still one thing of my past life except even more now.  Just a know it all bookworm without friends.  Because the thing is, even if I was unwanted before, I had Harry and Ron.  Even if it was a fake friendship, I was too naive to see it at the time, and my ignorance made me think I was wanted in some form.  That cost me.  I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.  That hurt me beyond any means and would not be repeated.  

It's ok though.  There won't be a chance to be repeated because I'm gonna die.  I have a day picked out and everything.  No one will have that oppurtunity again.  That's the last day I'm alive.  But not for now.  Until then, I suffer.