𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙣

𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒚 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏

Saturn
• • •

When I saw the white rose in his hand, my worst fear was confirmed.

While working at the shop on Monday afternoon, I worried myself over Calvin and Darius's discussion. Calvin had said he was leaving on Monday, or so I thought. But normally, he would have left by now. What was stopping him?

He entered the shop, and I set down the books in my arms. I had been in the process of updating my Saturn's Picks shelf. Now, I wasn't sure if I'd ever look at it the same.

"Come here, love," Calvin said. I went to him, and he handed me the rose. I clutched it to my chest for a moment, then set it on the desk behind me. A white rose, a promise. A promise that he would return to me alive. It meant nothing to me now.

"My bus leaves in a few minutes," Calvin said, "I needed to come and say goodbye to you first. I needed to make sure you're going to be alright without me."

I shook my head, feeling the tears that had been building up for the past two days come boiling to the surface at last. "I can't help but think this is the last time I'm going to see you," I mumbled, not meeting his gaze.

"Don't you remember our discussion?" Calvin asked, resting his hand on my tear-stricken cheek, "I will be completely safe, my love. There is nothing you need to worry about. I swear."

"I can't do this, Calvin," I cried, "I can't let you go." I clung to his shirt, wishing more than anything that he would stay. What was the worst thing that could happen if he didn't show up? They would call his father, who wouldn't even have the care to speak to Calvin about it. Didn't he want to put me first?

"Relax, Saturn," Calvin murmured as I continued to lose myself in his arms. He guided me over to the reading nook. We sat down. I could not breathe.

Calvin rested his hand on my chest. "Breathe," he said softly, "come on, Saturn. You're alright." I shook my head, wishing he would let me be in his arms again. He kept me at a distance, in case he needed to leave me there sobbing in order to catch his bus.

"This is why I leave without saying goodbye, sometimes," Calvin explained, "because I don't want to see you suffer at my hand. It kills me, darling."

I didn't answer him. I covered my face with my hands, wishing to disappear from this entire situation.

Calvin shuffled next to me. I heard his phone begin to ring before he spoke into it. "Alice, hello," he said softly, rubbing my back, "I need you to come in for the night shift tonight. I'll have Saturn take yours tomorrow. She isn't in a state to be working right now. And I think she could use your help."

I couldn't hear Alice's reply, but Calvin thanked her, so I assumed she had agreed to the swap.

"I need to go, my love, but Alice is coming to be with you," Calvin murmured. I gripped his wrists, forcing him to stay with me. "You're going to be okay, Saturn," he assured me, "you're always so brave. I need you to be brave for me, can you do that darling?"

I shook my head, and he pulled me close to him. I savoured the sensation of his arms wrapped around my body. I wouldn't feel it again for a very long time, and it was destroying me.

When I heard the little bell on the door ring, the remaining fragments of my heart shattered. Alice was here, meaning that it was time for Calvin to go. He pressed a long kiss to my forehead.

"Stay strong for me, Saturn," he urged, "I will see you in a week. I promise."

As Alice replaced Calvin on the couch, my panic attack peaked. My vision blurred from tears and lack of oxygen. My head felt like it was going to explode. With each passing second, Calvin was getting further and further away from me. And I wasn't sure he would ever come back.

"Oh, Saturn," Alice murmured, rubbing my back, "he's going to be okay. And so are you. Don't lose hope."

It was too late, I'd already lost hope. When Calvin left me for the very first time. For the second time. For the third time. I'd nearly lost count. When I learned where he was going when he left me. I was defeated, and my body could not cope.

"What if he never comes back?" I asked breathlessly.

"He will come back, Saturn," Alice said, "he always comes back."

I gazed out the window and saw Calvin boarding his bus. It must have been hard for him to leave me in this state, but still, he had left. I was not enough to keep him at Kenton and face the consequences.

I was not enough for him.