𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙣

𝒇𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏

Calvin
• • •

Returning to Kenton was no longer something I would look forward to.

Usually, these days made everything feel worth it. Pulling into the village and seeing the familiarity brought me great comfort. Eagerness would fill my chest in anticipation of hurrying off the bus to see my love.

This time, it was nearly unbearable to unboard the bus, to drag myself to my dorm, knowing that I would not be meeting Saturn moments later. If I did see her, in fact, it would hurt even more. Because she was no longer mine. Saturn was no longer mine. What a terrible mistake it felt like, but deep down I knew I had done the right thing.

I pushed through the door of my room and dropped my heavy bags to the floor. I had no motivation to unpack or to do anything for that matter. I just wanted to collapse and let myself become overcome by my heartbreak.

It took me several moments to realize that my room looked different than it had before my time away. Essence of Saturn was written all over the room, there was even a telescope by the window. Tears sprung to my eyes. She had made me a surprise to come home to. So thoughtful of her. It would have been so perfect, had I not ruined everything.

The new bedding caught my eye, and so did what had been placed on top of it. There was a small note torn from her sketchbook lying on the bed. When I saw it, my tears flowed freely. It reminded me of when she first gave me her phone number on the same torn slip of paper.

I thought it was about time I redecorated, just like I promised. I hope you love it as much as I love you.

-Saturn

The note slipped from my fingers and fell onto the floor, where it would remain for days. I noticed that her school bag lay next to it. She must have forgotten to come to retrieve it after reading my letter. That fucking letter. I had ruined my own life, by writing it. The course of my entire future was destroyed thanks to my commitment to the country. Thanks to my guilt, and my fear that Saturn was losing herself because of me.

I sat on my freshly made bed, feeling numb. I hadn't cried since writing the letter, which had been stained with my tears. I'd written it quickly in the bathroom one morning, before hurrying out to catch Eric before he left and my opportunity was lost. I wished I had been too late. That the universe would stop me from doing the right thing, because it felt so painful. But no, nothing stopped me. I had done this, and it was time for me to accept it.

The two days following my letter's delivery were some of my best days in training. The indescribable pain I was in did not cause me to shut down, it fueled me to fight even harder. I was up each of the mornings well before the others, running laps around the base and in the gym before the sun came up.

Still, I could not ignore the situation now. I was back at Kenton, and I would see her. If nothing else, I prayed that Saturn would make it out of this the same girl she had been when I'd met her back in September. She'd been through so much loss already and had somehow made it out to be a beautiful, joyous girl. I knew she could do it again now, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be a painful recovery.

There was a soft knock at my door. Fuck. I meant not to wake either of my roommates.

I went to the door. It was Darius.

"Hi, Cal," He said brightly. If only he knew. "How are you liking Saturn's new additions to your room?"

"It's lovely," I replied softly, "but...it's over between us. I sent Saturn a letter while I was away." Saying it out loud was near as heart-wrenching as writing it.

"Oh," Darius murmured, "I'm so sorry, mate."

I paused, unable to concentrate on anything apart from holding in my wave of emotions. "I just couldn't watch her go through any more pain because of me," I said at last, "it was killing us both."

"I understand," Darius nodded, "it's just...unfortunate. I could really see it, you know?"

"Me too," I muttered, "I always could."

I needed to close the door before Darius witnessed my heart shattering all over again.

"Night," I muttered.

"Sleep well," Darius replied. His concern for me was noticeable, but he would not pry. If it were Saturn, she would have demanded I explain my emotions to her at once. But Saturn was not here, and it was all my fault.

I collapsed onto my newly made bed and fell asleep on top of the covers. I needed to shower, unpack, and heal. None of which was in the cards for tonight. Tonight, I needed to escape.

But still, there was no true escape from Saturn. She was the protagonist of each one of my dreams, spreading her light and enchanting every person around her. She was the stars, the moon, the clouds. She was white roses and all things of great beauty. Saturn was everything.

And now everything was gone.