𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙣

𝒇𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚 𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕

Saturn
• • •

For two entire days after Calvin's letter shattered my reality, I wallowed. I hid beneath the blankets of my bed, trembling and numb. I'd stopped crying sometime during day one of my wallowing.

It was nearly impossible for a planet to survive without her Sun. The main thing I'd learned about planets over my years of studying them? They relied on each other. Especially on their Sun. Planets were like people in that way, as I would eventually discover. If a planet loses her Sun, that planet would surely cease to exist. Everything it once was, and everything it ever could be.

But Suns were special planets, with orbiting patterns that created day and night. Every time the Sun left, the darkness would return. It was inevitable. During the night, the planet would lose the Sun's key qualities; his warmth, his light, his spirit. Dreadful things could happen during the night. Without the Sun's light illuminating her, the planet could become a dismal, scary place to inhabit.

I was Saturn. I was a human being, but resembled a planet. I had a Sun once, as all planets do. Like all Suns, my planet came and he went. Without explanation. He would disappear and night would fall. Darkness would consume and fight to swallow me; a once bright and joyous planet. Still, he was my Sun, and I could never truly lose him for good. Until now, when day failed to break and night threatened to last an eternity.

Calvin looked worse than I'd ever seen him. He was still handsome as always, but there was heartbreak written all over him. I saw him first leaving the shop as I went in for my shift. When he saw me, his entire body went rigid. We both froze on the rocky path, unable to allow the other to move first. That was until Alice discovered us and hurriedly pulled me into the shop.

The second time Calvin and I crossed paths was in the dining hall. He nearly ran into me, in fact. We were entering and exiting at the very same time. I managed to escape the collision.

"Sorry," I'd mumbled, before seeing whom I'd almost hit. Calvin inhaled so sharply it was audible. Ice overcame us both once more, freezing us to the ground. We were saved by the mass of students piling up in the doorway. I pushed past Calvin to dodge the rush, and hurried back to my room to cry for three hours straight.

Life was no longer sweet without Calvin. I used to thrive in my classes, even the ones I did not enjoy. I would take detailed notes and doodle in the margins. I would write little things like "S+C forever" and "Mrs. Saturn McKnight" on the back cover of my notebook. I hadn't bothered to try and erase them now that he was gone. They were there for good, just like the scars he left etched on my heart.

Calvin's absence invited a new series of nightmares to haunt me each night. I dreamed of horrific monsters, my own repeated death, watching him be stolen from me over and over again. Without him there to ease my fear, it was impossible to sleep. If I awoke from a bad dream, that was it, I could no longer sleep. My exhaustion was just another element of my suffering. I wasn't eating enough. I was weak. I couldn't even read my comfort book, as it reminded me of the times Calvin would leave and actually return to me.

At the shop, Calvin was sure to schedule me during all the times that he was not there. I was grateful for this, but still, I wished to be around him. It would not be healthy, and it would benefit neither of us, but I craved to be close to him. It didn't matter if we did not speak. If he resented me from afar. I just wanted to feel his energy again. To feel his eyes on the back of my neck while I worked. As much as I was furious with Calvin's decision, I did not detest him. I could never detest him, I could only ever adore him.

I wanted nothing more than for Calvin to acknowledge me. I wanted him to open a door for me, or ask me to complete a task at the shop. I wanted a fresh white rose. A promise that he would return to me someday. I wanted a long, desperate period of eye contact. I wanted any indication that he still loved me as deeply as I loved him.

I wanted a letter.