𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙣

𝒇𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒓

Saturn
• • •

The day after his birthday, Calvin left me for the very last time.

It had been a wonderful day celebrating him. He wanted to go out to dinner, just like I had. So that was what we did, and it was incredible. At home, we made love. Afterwards, we lay in bed and I read to him. He'd said he could have listened to me read for the rest of his life. What a beautiful day it had been.

If only I had known how much I should have savoured it.

When I awoke to him cramping clothes into his suitcase, I knew he must have been in a rush. I studied his panicked composure and realized that he must have forgotten he had to leave me today.

"Where are you going?" I asked softly, sitting up in bed.

Calvin came to me, dragging his freshly packed suitcase behind him. "I have another week of training," He replied, "I'm sorry I didn't warn you of it sooner. It completely slipped my mind."

"You're leaving today?" I asked, my voice small with sorrow.

"In ten minutes," Calvin told me reluctantly.

It felt as though the universe was taking him from me as a punishment for having such a wonderful month together. It was unfair, and it made my heart ache.

My eyes welled up with tears as they normally did now when he left me. Calvin took me in his arms, sharing one final embrace with me. He couldn't handle seeing me hurt, but he also could not bear to leave me here like this.

"Be brave, my Saturn," Calvin pleaded, "I need you to be brave for me. As you always are."

"This isn't bravery, Calvin," I cried, "it's heartbreak. Every time you do this a piece of my heart shatters."

The guilt in Calvin's eyes was not helping the pain I already felt. He simply placed his hand on my teary cheek, kissing my forehead, then stood to leave.

"You can't just leave," I exclaimed, "not like this. I need more time with you."

Calvin shook his head. "You're going to be just fine alone, love," He said, "you always have been."

I followed him to the door, blocking it. "Please," I begged, "look at me."

Calvin glanced down at me. "I love you, my Saturn. Always."

With that, he pushed me aside as though I were nothing but a chair in his path, and he was gone. The door closed with a slam as I fell back onto it. I sank to the floor, quivering from head to toe.

It was so sudden this time. I wondered if he'd planned on saying goodbye to me at all. He probably wished that I had stayed asleep, so he could leave without my tragic intervention. Goodbyes with loved ones were always hard, but between me and Calvin, they were excruciating.

When I failed to get up for my eight-thirty class, Darius knocked on the door. Sometimes it was easy to forget that the boys practically shared a room with Calvin. They had always been good about respecting our space.

"Saturn?" Darius called after I failed to answer the door.

"I'm not in here," I replied, still sitting against the door. Darius tried to open it, and I winced.

"Are you blocking the door?" He asked through the crack he had managed to create.

"Maybe," I replied stubbornly.

"Come on, Saturn," Darius sympathized, "I know you're upset, but please just...talk to me."

"I am talking to you," I said bluntly.

"Open the door, now," He said, his forceful tone reminding me of Calvin. Calvin. Fuck, now I was crying again!

"I'm not joking, Saturn," Darius said, "I promised him I would help you through this. You need to let me."

I didn't answer, I merely began to cry into my arms. Just then, Darius forced the door open, slamming it into me in the process. I only cried harder. Darius closed the door. "I'm sorry," He said softly, "do you need anything?"

I stood from the floor, opening my arms to him. He reluctantly pulled me in for a hug. I knew Calvin would approve of it. If I closed my eyes for long enough, maybe I could pretend it was Calvin holding me. After several moments, it still didn't feel quite like home.

"Are you okay?" Darius asked, keeping his arms around me.

"No," I mumbled, "not without him."

"I know," Darius said softly, "he'll be back on the thirteenth. He told me this time. You can start counting down the days."

"I will," I replied.

Darius paused for a moment, still not releasing me. "I don't mean to be intrusive, but don't you have a class right now?"

"Yes," I replied, "I can't go."

"Why's that?" Darius asked.

"Because I'm crying," I replied, as though it were obvious.

"Did you sign yourself out?" Darius continued to question me.

"No, I forgot," I shrugged.

"You can't just skip class, Saturn," He insisted, "Calvin wouldn't be happy to hear that this is how you're reacting to his leaving."

"Calvin isn't here," I replied bluntly, "he'll never know. Unless you tell him, I suppose."

"You know I'm going to tell him," Darius replied, "he makes me tell him everything."

"Whatever," I mumbled, "I'm not going. I need a day to mourn."

"He hasn't died, Saturn," Darius chuckled.

"It feels like he did," I said, "every time he leaves. It feels like he's never coming back to me."

Darius released me at last. I wiped the tears from my face. For having such a tough exterior, he was a decent hugger. He was also quite vulnerable when he wanted to be. I supposed he cared about Calvin, and by default, he cared about me. "You know he'll always come back, Saturn," Darius said, "don't even let those thoughts cross your mind."

"I can't help it," I shrugged.

"Me either," Darius admitted, "I couldn't help it when my brother trained there, either. But it's important to stay strong. If not for ourselves, for Calvin."

I nodded, knowing he was right. Darius was nearing the door. I didn't want him to go, but it was probably for the best. I needed to get used to being alone for the next week.

"See you soon, Saturn," Darius said, "stay strong."

"See you later," I said softly.

He gave me a nod, then left. I returned to Calvin's bed, collapsing in misery. I stared up at the dull ceiling, then around at the dull walls and the dull dresser and window. There was truly nothing exciting about this room, apart from the fact that it was Calvin's. It reminded me of the first time I ever came to his room, back when Calvin and I were barely even friends. I had sworn I would redecorate it for him one day. I supposed my promise had been buried beneath the idea that I no longer cared what his room looked like, as long as he was in it. Perhaps it would be nice to finally do it though, while he was away. It would keep me busy, at the very least.

I brushed the idea aside for the time being. This was my day of mourning, as I had told Darius. I closed my eyes, ignoring the room so as to not get absorbed in my imagination for its new look. I rolled onto my side, and eventually drifted off.

During my nap, I dreamed of chaotic things, like new wallpaper and a hand-painted portrait of the two of us. I could not, however, have dreamed up anything quite like what would happen during the duration of Calvin's trip.