𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘、𝖻𝗎𝗇𝗀𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖺𝗒 𝖽𝗈𝗀𝗌

꒱.✧ 神様 ;; divine and the immoral

trigger warning: mentions of torture, bullying, and mental confusion.

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Atsushi perfectly remembers of how the orphanage used to look like. It was a dimly lit room. The bars on the window and chains on the wall were meant for restraining those who resist against the management vividly flashed inside his mind whenever he tried to recall.

There was never a day his life would not be miserable. A day to day combat with a devil's free hand while his were strapped on an electric chair. The only light he had was the moon outside, peeking over him from a small hole. He had liked to think of it as his symbol of hope. But he cannot always depend on it. Every now and again, it takes a night off. He wondered how he survived all those torture. But with the light shining upon him and his true identity, he is now faced with the question that tries to peek towards his intentions.

He barely remembers any faces. His mischievous playmates who once had a sick smile plastered on their faces while snipping his hair off into uneven lengths were now replaced by a completely white sheet of paper over their covers. He thought it was a way of his mind trying to protect him on seeing their awful faces. He has yet to think whether what kind of emotion he should feel about it.

"Atsushi-kun," Atsushi always finds himself reliving this moment, "do you like working in the Agency?"

A conversation with a lady whom he recently met through his first day. It was a simple question and yet the teen had trouble drawing a conclusion. Whenever he found himself asking this question, he always imagined he was in a scene-he was a traveler standing before a tall brick wall and a guardian sitting on top of it was Sakuya. "You are no under obligation to answer it immediately."

Though it was mentioned and offered by Sakuya as kindly as she could, Atsushi could not help but to feel pressured about it.

"I couldn't tell." The teen admitted and this answer was still his up until now. "I feel like the word like is not the best word to describe it..."

If he thought about it deeply, he was more relieved. Atsushi cannot describe on exactly what it feels like. He may be experiencing a huge culture shock. Were people always this polite? Ah, now that he had tried flashing his memories back recently, it was also Sakuya who told him that he should be used to it despite him being naturally accustomed to the pain that life has kept offering him.

Atsushi was watching Sakuya when they were waiting on Kazuhiko's operation. An unrecognizable expression was sitting on the lady's face. It did not take long before she slightly dragged herself away from the void and stared back at him. He nearly jumped in sheer panic as his heart raced. His hands went up to offer her a reason why he was looking at her but when Sakuya approached him before she walks out without waiting for a result she had seemingly predicted, she whispered-almost a prayer that a misotheist villain would give to a hero for the sake of thrill: "oh, to be a character that has no awareness of how the world works."

He had no idea what those words exactly meant. But somehow, Atsushi felt troubled on remembering Sakuya's face from then on. Even her eyes, which he felt a small pride in his heart ever since he was told that no one ever notices, had gone completely black into his mind. Why was it? He wondered what happened ever since. Did he gazed into something forbidden? Or was his mind just playing tricks and decided to erase someone's feature as a sign of warning?

Like a god; Him and his beloved men. Such distances were drawn too far and yet the desire to pull the string closer as an attempt of finding the truest essence of their identity had always not been enough. Was the guardian sitting on top of the brick wall just a guardian or was that a god watching him idle before a thin wall she had placed between him and his goal?

Everything we do is under the emotion of love. And this is what they say about it; that love is like a food offered by a God. Poor starving men, those who cannot distinguish and those who can, had no choice but to eat what is offered on their table. It does not matter what is good to eat and which is not. They only had to place their trust in their giver unless they had knowledge about who exactly is placing the food on their table and what it does to them. The results, however, are not called (or maybe it was) fate, but karma of what you had eaten.

Maybe that is what it was. Atsushi has yet to answer the question; he cannot tell whether he liked the fact he got a decent job and a set of talented coworkers he can trust because it was suddenly offered on his table that no one had ever dared to. He had no choice but to take the one-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He was, after all, one of the men who was starving. He would do anything for the sake of survival.

"Ah, isn't that Sakuya-san?" Yosano Akiko had noticed the presence of the lady sitting at the opposite end of their train seats. They were on their way to go back after Atsushi was sacrificed to accompany Yosano for her today's shopping. "That's unusual. Didn't she have a car?"

Atsushi turned his head to observe. There was a sight of a woman slightly dozing off while sitting perfectly on a moving train. Her hair was tied in a low ponytail and was swept at her side neck. A serene look dwells on her face yet creases of unexplainable anger were silently sitting as well. Atsushi had to look away. The longer he had his eyes on her, a set of scribbles started to be drawn over her face. Like a mortal forbidden to look at their God is what he tells himself.

"Did you know," Yosano had yet to take her eyes away from Sakuya. "One of the Agency mysteries was Sakuya-san's reason for resignation?"

"Really?" The teen watched the doctor's lips curved upwards. "Does that mean no one has ever known why?"

"Maybe Ranpo." Yosano shrugged, shook her head to show her uncertainty. "We tried to question her on the day she had turned in it. Out of all the people who didn't show any resistance were him."

This had piqued the teen's interest. "So you resisted?"

"Who knows!" The doctor avoided the question. "Maybe it was a way for the universe to tell us that we were better off not knowing them. Maybe she even secretly hated us and that she got fed up looking at our faces."

"Isn't that frustrating?" Atsushi thought out loud. "Not knowing what made your colleague leave."

The subconscious rigid lines in the doctor's face ease into a genuine smile when she looks at Atsushi. Yosano playfully laid her back onto the seat and relaxed her shoulders. She did not speak further. She only mentioned how women have their reasons not to tell reasons. Atsushi neither presses her anymore.

At the back of his mind, he had wished that maybe if Dazai weren't missing in action, Atsushi would have questioned him about what kind of image Sakuya has on his mind. Maybe the devil knew better than the mortal what kind of personality does a divine entity have. His eccentric senior did mention he knew Sakuya before he even joined the Agency.

"Ah! This is the train conductor's cabin!" A voice interrupted into a train speakers. "If I may, please allow me to conduct-a laugh can be heard-a little physics experiment!"

The sudden intrusion of the Port Mafia had woken up a god from their sweet slumber.