Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

6: What Have I Done?

My birthday is on January 21st. I'm nervous, excited, afraid. I don't know how to think about Mutatio. It's really freaking me out. I can't wait to be sixteen, but, at the same time, I can.

The rest of October and November is a blur. I don't remember much; just that the Halloween feast was really good and I think I gained 3 pounds from eating all that food. I also remember a Transfiguration essay due that I did last minute. That, and, Remus disappeared yesterday, November 31st. So did James, Sirius, and Peter. It's December 1st and I'm really worrying about them. I have no idea where they are, and it's killing me.

I was in my dorm when I found out. I don't remember what I was doing, but I remember it was late. It was dark outside. I was in my dorm, then I was in the hallway with Professor McGonagall, her dragging me behind her. And then, I'm in Dumbledore's office. How did it get so dark? How did I end up here? My mind is still asleep.

There are others in here, though. Bellatrix is here. So is Andromeda and Narcissa. Andromeda looks like she's falling asleep. Bellatrix is playing with her frizzy, curly charcoal hair, and Narcissa's platinum blonde hair is up in a perfect high ponytail, brushed and smooth. I wonder what I look like to them.

Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, his hands folded.

"I'm sorry to disturb you ladies so late, but I have some very unfortunate news." His eyes are sad. I stare at the gray walls with all the sleeping past headmasters. I just want to close my eyes, and drift, drift, drift, off into gray abyss..."Your parents have died. In a fire. I'm terribly sorry."

For a moment, I don't even hear what he has said. I just hear words, syllables, English. I hear him, and yet, I don't hear him.

Narcissa cries first. Breaks down, in fact. She's on the floor. Andromeda's head is in her hands. Her body shakes with sobs. Bellatrix is just staring at Dumbledore, the same way he had before he told her the news. My heart pumps. My tear glands fire up, and I realize what Dumbledore has said.

Dead. In a fire. How have we just heard about this now?

"When?" Bellatrix's voice has no color, no expression.

"We don't knew for sure. Some time in September," he replies. Pro. McGonagall hands Narcissa and Andromeda a tissue box. I am not sobbing. Not crying, not quite. Tears are just coming out of my eyes. There is a pit in my stomach, and I can't believe it. I killed my aunt and uncle. I killed my aunt and uncle. I killed my aunt and uncle.

Dead. Dead in a fire. A fire. Dead. Fire. What have I done?

Mother warned me. I can still hear her warning in my ear..."Don't go playing with fire, Amber. Only you can control it. Breathe, relax, and tame your powers. Fire is danger, and yet it is apart of all of us. Tragedies are too." The sound of the office numbs around me, and my thoughts take over.

Dead. Dead. Dead. What is dead? Died. Fire. Dead. I don't get it. How could this happen? What have I done? Did I light it? Was it me? Was it my fault? Could it have been someone else? My father had a lot of enemies. It could have been someone else, an arsonist. Yeah. Yeah. I'll keep telling myself that. Maybe then it will come true.

Stupid. They were so stupid. They didn't even try to take the precaution of having a Rectornatura in their house. Around their daughters. Could they have been smarter? Yes. They could have locked me away, done something, anything, to keep me from hurting them. Why didn't they?

Weren't they scared? Weren't they afraid of me? Everyone's afraid of me, once they understand who I am. Once they get it. How could they not be afraid?

Yes. This is their fault, not mine.

God, I'm such an idiot! How could I let this happen? What have I done? Mother. I should have listened to Mother. Why didn't I? Mother was wise, kind. I just wanted to be like her. I don't want to be scared of myself, of what I can do. What have I done? What have I done?

Mum? Mum, please come back. I really need you right now. Everything's a blur. Bellatrix screams at Dumbledore. Her screams of utter anger and disappointment. If she had my powers, the entire castle would be burnt to a crisp. Narcissa's sobs, her loud crying. Andromeda's shaking. It is slight, yet I hear her low whimpering. Narcissa is still on the floor. Bellatrix has stood up, yelling at Dumbledore. He stares at his folded hands. Professor McGonagall has stood up as well, holding Bellatrix back. I'm just sitting down, in my own world.

Dad? Dad, I miss you. I just want my parents. My real parents. I just want them to come back and tell me what to do. Please come back.

Come back, Mom.