Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

44: A Comforting Silence

Despite the heartache that accompanied the drama between Remus and Bonnie, the weeks that followed their breakup are incredibly relieving. I feel like I'm falling in love with Remus all over again; and I may actually be, because the person that he is showing to me and allowing me to know is not the same person I fell in love with a year ago. This new person is stronger, tougher, more open and more honest. He has finally starting telling me the truth, and I have finally been ready to hear it.

The days get happier, I think; Remus spends most nights with me, and we finally had sex again. I wasn't lying to Sirius, I really did withhold sex from Remus until he broke up with Bonnie, which made our sexual reunion so much more wonderful and powerful. The room usually ends up in tatters because of all the wind my brain is causing, so the next morning requires a great deal of cleaning, but even then it's perfect. We've started spending more time together, and we're done (or I'm done) with the whole avoidance thing. I confronted it, and now Remus and I are okay. I like to think Holly would be proud of me.

Lucky for me, Bonnie has yet to strike. Our classes together, History of Magic, Potions, and Defense Against The Dark Arts, are incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. Her friends are always around her, talking to her affectionately, but every time she and I lock eyes she gets this infuriated look on her face. These moments are when I feel the most guilty.

Somehow a month passes, and we celebrate Sirius' 17th birthday in the common room with mini cakes and puddings that James got from the kitchen. Normally, we would go to Hogsmeade for this sort of thing, but... I don't think any of us have been to Hogsmeade since Holly died. I know me and Sirius haven't, and I'm not sure about the others, but it wouldn't be a good idea to go. Because of this, our gifts to him were all kinds of crap, like old stuff of ours and shitty handmade things. He didn't care, though; Sirius rarely got anything for his birthday from his family, so I think he was just grateful to get anything at all from the people he loves. And, to make up for our shitty gifts, James' parents sent Sirius plenty of sweets and even a knitted sweater. I think Sirius teared up a little when he opened the Potters' gifts; I know how much that family means to him.

So we are all doing well, much better than before. Sixth year so far has been difficult, but not impossible; the homework has just gotten more excessive and requires a lot more thought. Despite that, my awkwardness with Bonnie is the only real obstacle in my life right now. I'm incredibly lucky; I'm doing well in school, I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life, and the Black sisters all graduated last year, so I don't have to deal with them anymore. Best of all, I have a family now.

Vanessa and I send owls to each other every once in a while. She keeps me updated on everything going on in the village, and every so often she gives me advice and tips on my powers. It's almost like having a mother again.

On the other hand, Johnny hasn't sent me anything. I think about sending him a letter, but I figure he would've already sent something if he wanted to talk to me. I wonder if he's angry or resentful at me for leaving, for choosing Remus. Obviously, I don't regret coming back to Hogwarts, but I regret hurting Johnny. I never meant to; he was my friend.

I haven't told Remus about Johnny. I don't really know why; I don't think anything bad is going to happy if I do, I just don't know how Remus will react. And I feel guilty for it, you know, because he's told me everything and we've finally started being honest with each other, and I'm keeping this secret about what I was really doing over the summer. It just hurts me to think about Remus being angry with me, or hurting him. He's the love of my life, and if he knew that there was a part of me that wanted to stay with Johnny, how long would it take to convince Remus that I really love him? That I really want to be with him, and start a life with him? Remus is wonderful, but he's also really insecure and sensitive. He doubts himself all the time; constantly thinking he's not good enough for me or for his friends, or even his own parents. If he knew about Johnny, what's to say he wouldn't doubt my love for him? It's just too much to think about.