Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

22: Holly McQuaig

At some point while laying with Remus, I fell asleep again, shockingly. I mean, how do you fall asleep again after being unconscious for the last two weeks? It kind of appalls me; I had been sixteen for a fortnight and I had no idea.

I quietly rise from the warmth of my bed, careful not to wake my sleeping boyfriend, and slip into the shower. The water steams on my back, and I feel disgusting, really. I hadn't bathed in the time I was in the hospital wing, and my time there was much longer than I would have preferred.

When I step out of the shower, I observe my naked body in the mirror. My breasts look much fuller than before, and I generally look healthier, and I wonder for a moment if Remus had thought about me like this, or thought about us as one if he had dreamed about us having children and getting married. Sex comes with all those things; my aunt and uncle had told me before that sex before marriage was toxic and wrong, but it didn't seem so bad to me. Actually, it's kind of necessary; I mean, it's a self-discovery thing, you know? You get to know your body with someone else. I think it's kind of beautiful actually.

I think about experiencing that special kind of unification with Remus, and it is a little overwhelming at first, but I really do wonder what it would be like. It sounds nice when I think about it, and for a moment I hope it happens one day.

I step out of the shower and get my fluffy pink bathrobe I had treated myself with at Hogsmeade on my 14th birthday. I remember that day; I was dorky and awkward, with two left feet that tripped over each other. My hair was always in a sloppy bun and I was chubby and I wore green turtlenecks and jeans that didn't fit. I had some money saved up, and I didn't want to buy sweets because I was feeling bad enough about my weight already, so I bought a bathrobe. It was a spontaneous decision, and I couldn't pinpoint my reasoning for buying it. Probably, when I think back on it now, because I wanted to cover myself up as much as possible, and the fluffiness made it as though the thickness of my frame was not my body, but the bathrobe itself. I had a thing about hiding myself back then; it was the year I was partners in Potions with Remus, and he was the first guy I ever thought was cute. I had these huge geeky glasses that were too big for my face but I wore them anyway because I could barely see anything. I switched to contacts after 4th year ended.

It's not a surprise that Remus didn't recognize me after I came to 5th year. Yes, it was kind of jerky of him to not pay any attention to me really in 3rd year and then not remember me in 5th, but oh well, I guess. It's not like he was completely ignoring me, but he never gave me his undivided attention or anything. But he did the work, and helped me when I was confused. Once, I had mixed my potion wrong or added the wrong ingredients or something, and it evolved into the sickening brownish goo stuff. Somehow it got on my seat, and I didn't know, so when I sat down it got all over my butt. Needless to say, it looked like I had pooped my pants, and I had no way to cover it. He noticed and chuckled for a second, which made me angry, but my awkward self didn't say anything about it. He could see that I was freaking out a little bit, and he took off his robes and took off this flannel he was wearing underneath and gave it to me to wrap around my waste so no one could see my potion-gone-wrong butt. It was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me after my parents died. Oh, my awkward 13-year-old self would never guessed that that same guy was currently half-naked and asleep in my bed.

I throw my hair up in a towel and brush my teeth, and wash my face after that to thoroughly cleanse the hospital-wing grime off my face. I notice that it was about noon on the clock ticking on my bathroom wall. I am mostly dry at this point, and my door creaks open to a shirtless Remus in baby-blue boxer briefs. For a moment, I can't tear my eyes away from his flawless chest, smooth and lovely and tan; I notice some scars running along his torso, and it just makes me love him more. I hope that one day he'll tell me about them.