Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

42: The Truth

"When I was four years old, my dad was working in the Ministry of Magic, in the Department of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Before, he really only worked with less dangerous type stuff, you know, boggarts and hinkypunks, not usually really destructive creatures, like giants or werewolves, which is what this new job called for. He was present for a questioning of a werewolf named Fenrir Greyback for the murders of two Muggle children. I don't really know what happened, but my dad was the only one in the department who thought Greyback was guilty, and on that day my dad yelled at him during questioning and told him that werewolves are soulless, evil, and deserve nothing but death."

Remus' voice breaks, and he looks away from me. I take his hands, continuing to listen. 

"So Greyback told all of his werewolf friends about what my dad said, and then a few nights later, just after my fifth birthday, they attacked me while I was sleeping. They intended to kill me, but my dad came in just in time to save my life. But I was bitten, and I transformed later that month for the first time.

"It was very painful... it still is. I vaguely remember the attack; there was so much darkness and I was so scared because I didn't know where the attack was physically coming from. I was just a kid, all I knew was that it hurt so much, and when my dad came in, I was screaming, and... it just hurt so much.

"So after that night, I was a wolf on every full moon for a few hours. The transformations never got easier; and as I grew up they couldn't just lock me in a room with a silencing charm, and by the time I was ten I was pounding down walls and smashing windows. My parents managed to contain me, and I never got out, but I always feared breaking out so much.

"I was a really lonely kid. I wasn't allowed to play with other children because I might accidentally tell them about my condition. We moved around so much, at least every few months, so much so that I barely even unpacked my things between moves. My mom schooled me at home, but none of us had any hope that I was going to be able to go to Hogwarts, even though I showed signs of being a wizard. Fortunately, Dumbledore showed up on our doorstep and told them his plan for me if I came to Hogwarts; I'll explain that in a minute. My parents were so unsure, but I wanted to go so, so bad, and they finally gave in and trusted Dumbledore.

"When I came to Hogwarts, I met James and Sirius and Peter. I wanted to tell them about myself, but I was so scared that they would abandon me. I'd never had a friend before, much less three of them, and I was so desperate to keep them as long as I could. That's most of the reason I didn't tell you, Amber. I was so afraid you would walk out on me out of fear of what I was. And when you told me your parents were killed by a werewolf, I thought there was no way that I could tell you without you leaving me. I know it was wrong; I know I should have told you, and I know that you're probably still angry, to some extent. I'm so sorry for lying to you. I hated myself for it, and I still do.

"In our second year, James and Sirius figured it out. I was terrified that they would leave me and tell everybody, but they actually told me they wanted to help by becoming animagi. I know this is going to sound really weird and strange, but the three of them are all actually animagi. It took three years for them to be able to do it, but at the beginning of fifth year, they did it. They did it to help me during my transitions and to protect me from breaking out and hurting anybody. They also keep me company; my transformations aren't nearly as painful with them there.

"James is a stag, so he's Prongs. Sirius is a huge black dog, so he's Padfoot, and Peter is a rat, so he's Wormtail. And of course, I'm Moony. Peter is small enough to crawl up the Whomping Willow trunk to press the knot that stuns it, and we all sneak under it. James and Sirius are such huge animals that they keep me from hurting anyone and we usually just wander Hogsmeade. We have a map that prevents us from getting caught, the Marauder's Map, which tells us where everyone in the castle is at all times, and we sneak under James' invisibility cloak - oh yeah, he has one of those - to the Whomping Willow at night.