Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

48: Dark Times

I finish up my break at Vanessa's, which ended up being really nice. She got me some beautiful jewelry that apparently belonged to my great-grandmother, one of the most celebrated queens in this community. She was one of the strongest Rectornaturas in recorded history, and damn it if I'm not proud to be related to her.

I told Vanessa everything that happened between me and Johnny. She's a very good listener, and she told me to give him space, that he would contact me if he wanted to talk. The fight we had was so destructive, I'm not sure I even want to talk to him after it. It was just horrible, the way he talked to me, like I owed him some kind of apology, the way he talked about Remus. I knew that there was a stigma about werewolves, but... I didn't know it was like that.

I finished buying my Christmas presents for my friends, which ended up being okay because the shopowners were plenty happy to help me out. I bought Remus an expensive, magic watch that would vibrate if he was late for something, Sirius a necklace, James a broomstick-keeping kit, Peter a bunch of sweets, and Lily a jacket. It was nice to have friends to buy things for, so many at that. Last year I was too wrapped up in my own fear to even get anything for anyone, and I didn't think anyone would care enough to get something for me. It was such a dark time; I was so afraid. After Mutatio things got better, but then they got so much worse, and it feels like I'm just stuck in a dark time. Will I ever see the end of it?

For a month after Christmas, nightmares consume me. Sometimes they're of Remus, that horrible night when he transformed, or they're of Holly and the day she died. Sometimes I see my mother being killed, or Bonnie's burns, or Johnny yelling in my face and smashing glass against the wall. And sometimes every horrible memory I've ever had just blends together in a montage of pain. I feel so utterly out of control of my own mind; so much so that when I wake up I can barely tell what's real anymore. I wake up screaming almost every night, and it's really freaking out Remus.

When I got back to Hogwarts, things got a little better. It was so nice to see everyone, I missed them all so much, especially Remus. I needed him so much more than I thought I did, and the nights without him were so hard. But even after falling asleep in his arms, I still see those horrible things, I still scream. Almost every night I am shaken awake by my boyfriend, who has a terrified look on his face. And I hate doing that to him; I feel so guilty waking him up every night, the both of us feel so tired in the mornings. Sometimes I don't have the nightmares when he holds me really tightly, and I force myself to think beautiful thoughts. But still, my brain tortures me.

I'm not sure what to do about it. Lily told me it's something called post-traumatic stress, like my brain is reliving these memories because my subconscious is still so afraid, and guilty, too. I don't understand the concept, but I don't know what to do. When I asked her what I can do to stop them, she gave me this pitiful look. "Time," she said sadly. I hate that answer and still do, though I know it's the only true remedy to what I'm going through.

Anyway, my birthday approaches much faster than I expected. Every year that seems to happen; I get so caught up in my own head about the new semester, the new year, and the holidays, and time just rolls by. Last year, I spent my birthday in agony and anxiety, and then the hospital wing for two weeks. God, I hope don't end up there this year again.

"So what do you wanna do for your birthday tomorrow?" Remus asks as he straightens up my room. I've always been kind of a slob (with the exception of making my bed), and he neurotically likes to clean my room every once in a while.

"I don't know," I sigh, fiddling with my pillowcase. "It seems so silly to celebrate my birthday right now."

"Why's that?" He furrows his brows and looks at me, then back at the clothes he's folding.