Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

41: Ready

Somehow, days pass. And they are happy days, I think; they are days full of light and laughter and kisses and tickles under bedsheets and blankets. They are days with pretty dreams, a coffee voice, a pair of lips waking me every morning. I wake up with Remus on these days, and in the space between sleep and waking, I feel the most happy.

Despite these happy days, there is a doubt festering in my chest. It's been a week since Remus and I got back together, and he still hasn't broken up with Bonnie. Every time I start to acknowledge the doubt in my chest, I tell myself, he's going to do it, he's going to do it. Just give him time. But how much time can I really give him? When will I run out of compassion and understanding?

On this particular Saturday, I wake so slowly. I can sense his body heat next to me and hear his light snoring. I love these soft mornings; these pretty mornings full of him and me, and our sheets.

I awake, and take a moment to look at him. He's on his stomach, his face contorted in such a goofy way on his one pillow, his arms wrapped beneath the pillow. The morning light brushes his skin, and I can see the depth of some scars on his back. We still haven't talked about him being a werewolf; I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm expecting him to come to me about it, when he's ready to talk to me about it. But Sirius was right; he doesn't have a great record of telling his girlfriends the truth. Will he ever be ready? Sirius told me about that big secret he has, ambiguously, all those months ago, and I just brushed it off. I told him that when Remus was ready, he'd tell me. That's what I said last time, and look how that ended up. Was he ever going to be ready to tell me anything? To tell Bonnie anything? 

"Remus?" I mutter, through the pretty light. He wakes a little and moans in response.

"Remus, why haven't you broken up with Bonnie?"

"Hmph?"

"Bonnie. Why haven't you broken up with her?"

He opens his eyes, furrowing his brows. He sits up, looking at me confused. 

"Um, I... I don't know," he mutters, avoiding eye contact with me. "Don't rush me, I'll do it."

I feel the doubt fester even more. I bite my lip, trying to think of what to say. "Do you promise?"

"Yes baby, I promise. I'll do it soon." He lies back down as he says this, fixing his position back to the way it was. "I love you," he mumbles into the pillow. I sigh, and start hearing his light snoring again. I bite my thumbnail, feeling anxious. I have to trust him.

*****

Somehow, even more days pass. I don't know how it happens, or what quickened the time, but I keep myself busy. I've been studying a lot, wrapped up in a blanket in the common room, watching the October sun go down. I've been doing a lot of reading, and a lot of practicing my powers in my room. I'm getting more powerful; I can feel it. I don't know if it's time or the emotions that are building up inside of me, but something in me is growing.

I start going to bed later and later. Remus and I spend time in the common room with the other boys, working or talking or playing cards, and at the end of the evening Remus kisses my lips and thumps up the stairs to my bed. I spend hours in the common room, studying or reading or even just simple meditation, until I go up to bed with him so late in the night. Only a few evenings like this pass until I realize why I stay up so late without him: I'm avoiding him. I'm avoiding an inevitable conversation. He still hasn't broken up with Bonnie, and anger has begun to bubble inside of me. He has completely lost interest in her, as is obvious from their interactions in our classes. She knows something's going on, she's not that stupid, but I don't think she suspects me yet. Poor girl.