Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

39: True Fucking Love

The next few weeks are actually really fun. I think I forgot how to actually have a good time at Hogwarts, when I wasn't moping in my room for one reason or another. There are many goals I've made for this year that I plan on fulfilling: get more in touch with my witch side, work hard in school, and start being really happy. That last one I think is the most important to me; since my parents died, I've always had something to complain about, something that was wrong with my life. As recently last week, it was my OWLs, and the fact that Remus is still with Bonnie. But you know what? I don't need him to flourish. I don't need him to be happy. I'm not going to let my feelings for him control me anymore. If he wants to be with Bonnie, that's okay. If he wants to be with me, that's okay too. We've all changed. I wonder what Holly would think of me like this.

Speaking of Holly, I can't help but go to her memorial at least a couple times a week since I've gotten here. Part of me still can't believe she's dead, that that day really happened. It feels oddly surreal, and there is little I remember about that day. All of the emotions running high (and low) really blocked out some memories for me. But I can still see her death. When I turned my emotions back on, I relived it all the time. In my dreams, in my nightmares, even when I closed my eyes or heard a scream outside that sounded like hers. Sometimes I see her, too; in London, I would occasionally chase some lady down the street because she had long brown hair just like Holly's. Even in Hogwarts, I sometimes get a feeling that she's in the room, somewhere, among all of us.

Her memorial is a really nice one. A photo of her that I took in early March is the main piece, along with a couple other photos taken by Sirius and her ex-boyfriend, Riley. Candles decorate the floor beneath the photos, and they also float above them. Pieces of holly, the plant, are sprinkles between the photos, candles, and other flowers. Folded pieces of parchment are taped to the wall as messages for her. I wonder who left them.

After Holly died, Sirius spent a lot of time here, according to James. Sometimes he borrowed the invisibility cloak and just sat at the memorial, all night, staring at the pictures. James, Peter, and Remus tried to be there for him, but no one could console him in the way he really needed. Sirius started spending less and less time here, and eventually he had to leave for the summer. But every once in a while, I find him here, as I do on this particular day. He is sitting on the floor, cross-legged, looking at her. I bite my lip, approaching, unsure of whether or not I should say something to him. I was planning on coming here anyway (and actually, drinking here; there's a bottle of firewhiskey hidden in my cloak) but I guess he beat me to it.

I sigh, walking quietly over to him. I sit next to him, and I think this is when he notices me for the first time. He doesn't say anything. Sirius doesn't talk very much about Holly in general; I know it must be a big source of pain for him. It is for me too. I hope we can heal together.

I sigh, looking around for Filch or a teacher. I pull the whiskey out of my cloak, along with a singular shot glass. He sighs too, looking at it, clinking on the stone floor. I pour the amber whiskey into the shot glass, and he picks it up.

"To Holly," I say, feeling pain in my heart.

"To Holly," he mutters. He clinks his shot glass against the bottle, and we drink.

We do a couple more shots, and eventually I hide the whiskey again and we sit in silence for about an hour. He checks his watch around 9pm, and sighs, "We should get back before we get detention."

I nod and stand, taking a final look at Holly's memorial. I'll be back for you, I think to her. The photo smiles.

On our way back to the common room, we don't say very much. He mutters a quick "Thank you" and I take his hand in response. We mutter the password together to the Fat Lady, and find the common room alive with our classmates. I spot Remus (and Bonnie), James, and Peter playing some kind of card game in the corner at one of the booths, and they smile as they see us. I release Sirius' hand to wave, smiling.