Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

46: Guilt

Things get both easier and harder; the days pass. Everyone is Hufflepuff hates me with a burning passion, including Professor Sprout, who is making my Herbology lessons much more difficult and complicated. Everyone in Gryffindor, on the other hand, is on my side about what happened and is glad that I didn't back down, even if I did really hurt Bonnie. Some of them even give me timid smiles in the hall or high fives; while the Hufflepuffs trip me and put hexes on my stuff when I'm not looking.

"It'll get better," James mumbles into his tea, his sleepy eyes drooping. "You'll be alright. Everyone will forget after break."

"I hope so," Lily says anxiously, tearing her bacon in half. "Those Hufflepuffs really are nasty to the enemies of their friends."

I sigh, resting my fist under my chin. I stare at my pancake, my appetite dissolving. I can feel Remus next to me, shoving porridge into his face, which makes me laugh a little.

"Do you have to wolf it down like that?" I laugh, looking at him lovingly. He looks back at me defensively, his mouth full of food, and I realize what I said.

"Wolf it down," I repeat, laughing a little. "I can't believe I just said that."

James and Lily laugh at my pink face, and I can't help but laugh too. This moment feel so much lighter than the others; I can feel my sadness lifting. When Remus finishes his breakfast he holds my hand under the table, gently stroking my index finger with his thumb, laughing softly at James' jokes. Just this simple motion relaxes me, but there is a gnawing inside of me that won't just simply disappear with some hand-holding.

There are many times in my life when I felt like a monster. When I killed my aunt and uncle; when Remus ignored me after I told him I was a Rectornatura; when I turned my emotions back on; when I thought Holly's death was my fault; when I broke Johnny's heart; when I helped break Bonnie's. But attacking Bonnie, burning her... God, I felt like I wanted to die... like I deserved it. And it revealed so much about myself, it revealed that I have little to no control over my anger and my powers. The only time I don't hurt anyone when angry is when I'm exhausted, like when Remus turned in front of me.

But seeing her face... her twisted, red face, bent with disgust, her "You filthy half-breed!", her murderous eyes, her fury, her strained voice spitting at me. Remus and I didn't just break her heart, we destroyed it. Why else would she react like that? How could we do that to her? How could I do that? What would Holly say?

And I'm not saying Bonnie's reaction was valid. She had the right to be angry and upset, but she should have gotten over it too, at least to some extent. She had no right to attack me, and to attack Remus. But I don't feel angry; I feel like I deserve all of it. And regardless of how happy Remus makes me, I think I'm always going to feel that way.

Christmas break comes swiftly, though, which is nice. Johnny still hasn't written to me, which makes me anxious; I didn't think he could hate me like this, if he even does, which is pretty likely. It hurt me to think about, especially because I still haven't told Remus about Johnny. I don't know why I'm so worried; I don't think that Remus will react badly, or I don't know, maybe he will. God, my brain hurts.

I pack all of my things up in my dorm, and before I know it I'm back on the Hogwarts express. It ends up being a long ride, much longer than I thought, maybe because my heart is so heavy and my head is so full. Somehow the time lengthens, but Remus is there for me through all of it. I haven't really talked about how I feel about myself with him... how I feel like a monster. He knows I feel guilty for what we did to Bonnie, and honestly it astounds me that he doesn't feel the same way. That morning, that fateful morning when I woke up next to me and fell out of bed... the way he looked at me, like he was aching for me, that pretty smile that drew me back in... his desperation to hold on to that moment before we had to go back to real life. He barely felt guilty at all that he was half-naked in bed with me, that he was hungry for my lips and my skin, for my smile that drew him back in. He was happy to be back with me, and his guilt dissolved, if he had any. But my guilt did not dissolve just because I wanted it to, my guilt washed through me like a tidal wave.

I have guilt everywhere: it inhabits my body like a growing mold, and sinks into the crevices of my skin. I can't help but feel the darkness slowing creeping into me, the angry tears falling, the sad sighs that keep me awake awake at night. I broke Bonnie's heart, I burned her. I killed my aunt and uncle, who died alone. I hurt Johnny, I led him on all summer and cracked his heart with my own two hands when he offered it to me. And to top it all off, I gave him that one last kiss, when I should have walked away. I should have walked away... I shouldn't have let him kiss me.

And Holly... Holly's death. God, I don't even know the depths of the water that is my guilt about that. I'm guilty for going to Hogsmeade that day, we should have stayed behind. If I hadn't wanted to prove my well-being to Remus, I never would have gone on that trip, and Holly wouldn't have died. I should have grabbed her hand and pulled her back, telling her I wanted to stay behind with her, that I wanted to hang out in my room with her and drink firewhiskey and dance to The Clash. I should have defended her against that Death Eater, I should have pulled her back, I shouldn't have let her fight him, and she shouldn't have died. She was supposed to grow up, she was supposed to have a life. She was supposed to go through Mutatio without being alone, I should have been with her the whole time. She was supposed to marry Sirius and I was supposed to be her maid of honor; I should have given a speech about what troublemakers we used to be, about the shit we would all get up to and pull, about how young and naive we used to be. She should have walked down that aisle, she should have gotten the grades to be a healer, she should have gotten hired and she should have saved lives at work. She was supposed to have little kids that would play with mine, little Rectornatura kids she could hug and love, little kids I could have watched on weekends. She was supposed to see them off on platform 9 3/4, to see them graduate from Hogwarts as she held Sirius' hand. She was supposed to grow old and cranky, to play card games on a front porch, to give her kids advice and to guide them through adulthood. She was supposed to have a life, and now she's in the ground.

God, how long will I feel this way? How long will I sink into my guilt before I drown?

I can feel Remus' hand squeeze mine. My thoughts run wild, and tears dot my eyes. Our lives weren't supposed to be like this; Holly deserved better. She deserved a life. She deserved a whole lifetime of birthdays, Christmases, love, and happiness. Why do I get to live, and she doesn't? Why do all of us get to live, and she doesn't?

I sniffle, and wipe my cheeks. The countryside all blurs together into city, and before I know it, the Hogwarts Express pulls into King's Cross Station. My heart feels heavy as I stand, wiping my teary hands on my jeans. We all pull our coats on, and I am last to leave the compartment.

"You okay?" Remus whispers to me, as we slowly make our way down the aisle. I sigh, unsure what to say.

"Yeah, just..." I say softly, my heart hurting, "just guilt, I guess."

"Baby-"

"I know, I know," I interrupt. "I just... I can't help it." We step out onto the bustling platform, which is full of parents welcoming back their children. Remus turns and faces me, placing his hands on my pink cheeks.

"I love how big your heart is," he says lovingly, and I try to smile. "You know, someone once told me, the past doesn't matter, because we can't change it now. All we can do is prepare for the future."

I scoff, playing with the buttons on his shirt, remembering the night he told me the truth. "Who said that garbage to you?"

"Well, my beautiful girlfriend, of course," he says lightly, smiling at me charmingly. "And she was right, you know."

"I know," I sigh. "She's always right."

He laughs, and I feel a smile curl on my face. "That she is."

He leans in and kisses me, a full and deep kiss before we have to reality. He smiles so broadly at me when he pulls away, and something inside me lifts.

Remus spots his dad among the crowd, and kisses me goodbye before leaving me. The platform starts to clear, and I'm unsure of whether Vanessa remembered to come get me. I bite my lip, looking around for her, and disappointed, I run through the platform exit into King's Cross.

Fortunately, a cabbie waits patiently with a sign with my name on it, and I remember that even if she wanted to come, Vanessa wouldn't be able to get through the platform. I smile, and identify myself to the cabbie as Amber Diamante. He smiles and leads me to his car, where I press my forehead on the cool glass once I'm in the backseat. Remus was right: we can only prepare for the future and move foreward. I can't change the day Holly died, and I can't change the state of Bonnie's heart. All I can do is move on and try to let go of my guilt.