Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

12: He Doesn't Seem To Know Either

Amber's POV

I wish that I could be confident. I wish that I could know what Remus supposedly had to say to me that he felt the need to not tell me before so I don't have to wait in anticipation. I don't like waiting for secrets to be revealed; it isn't fun. It's quite boring, to be frank.

But really I am just dying to know. Absolutely dying; I can't wait for a valid answer. It's gnawing away at my heart, and I wish, god I wish, that I knew.

James walks me back to my dorm, with me pestering him about what Remus had to tell me. But, he keeps his mouth shut, which is probably a good thing because it indicates loyalty and fair friendship, but in the moment it is somewhat annoying and frustrating. What could Remus possibly have to say to me that his best friend couldn'tp tell me?

I have already ruled out the possibility that he doesn't like me back, because I think James would talk about something like that to me. No... It is much more intense and much worse, I think. Something to do with the werewolf, maybe. I am clueless, and my heart aches for satisfaction.

It's weird though, because even though I strive for an answer, I'm untimely afraid of what he might say. What ifs cloud my mind and it's like half my heart is arguing with the other half. My brain hurts.

James waits outside of my dorm for me to get changed back into clothes. I put on red flannel, black jeans with rips in the knees, and ankle boots. I throw my hair in a ponytail and freshen myself up a little by brushing my teeth and applying a little mascara. I looked like a zombie in an ugly hospital gown before. Like hell I'm wearing that thing again.

I open my dorm door and James is leaning in the wall, playing with his wand in boredom. He makes trails of beautiful colors flow like water from his wand into circles and all kinds of shapes. It's quite mesmerizing, but clearly not enough if it can't take my mind off of the damn secret.

"Ready?" He asks. I draw a deep breath.

"Ready."

Sort of.

Remus' POV

"Hey, Remus?" A girl with frizzy red hair, dark eyes, and handfuls of freckles scattered on her face pokes into the Marauder's dorm. She's pretty short, and her hips stick out in her robes, a Gryffindor badge pinned to her breast. She bites her lip.

"Um, hi?" I choke out from my spot on my bed, facing the exact opposite of disappointment that it isn't Amber. Thank god it's not Amber. I still don't even know how to tell her. Just say, "Hey, I really like you and I would love to date you but I'm a werewolf and I nearly killed you."? Like hell.

The girl leans in the room a little more, and she's holding a thin, black cardboard box in her left hand, and she's standing awkwardly inside of the room.

"Um... My friend Amber told me to give this to you." Amber? How could it be Amber? Amber doesn't have many friends, and I've never heard of this one. My eyebrows furrow in suspicion as the redhead hands me the box. I can feel her clammy hands brushing against mine and it sends sheer shivers down my spine.

"Wait, Amber didn't mention you," Sirius beats me to it. "So, who are you?" The girl smiles sweetly.

"Um, well, I'm Brianne. She probably just, forgot to mention it, I suppose. Well, enjoy! Bye Remus!" She twiddles her fingers at me in farewell, which is both annoying and sickeningly sweet at the same time. Sirius twiddles back, somewhat mocking her. Brianne leaves and shuts the heavy door behind her.

"Well, that was weird. Shouldn't Amber be in her way here right now?" Sirius questions when the girl leaves.

I shrug. "I don't know." I open the box, lifting off the cardboard top. Six chocolates lay in black plastic wrappers over the bottom. I furrow my eyebrows, confusion building up inside me.

"Okay, what the actual fuck. This makes absolutely no sense," Sirius blabs, going on and on about how it doesn't fit in right. I pick up one of the sweets and I sniff it, looking for any signs of love potion. But it is completely scentless, so I shrug off any fears that I have. But then again, the sender could use Mullingrass so hide a love potion, but it's a very rare ingredient and I doubt many people here even know about it. So I pop it in my mouth before Sirius tells me otherwise.

It's not that bad, actually. It's sweet and the insides are caramel, and-

The door bursts open, and Amber and James stand before me.

And then, there is a sensation- a kind of sensation that is entirely the most unfamiliar thing in the world to me, and that's saying something, because I'm half wizard half werewolf. It's like my brain and my heart and my lungs are all being dipped in some kind of warm, sticky substance that alternates my breathing. At this point I would be overwhelmed with how beautiful Amber looks, but nothing. Nothing, like all my feelings for her have completely disappeared. My eyelids ache, like I need sleep, but my brain disagrees-I faintly see platinum blonde hair behind my lids, and I can hear Amber and James and Sirius all calling my name, calling out to me, but I hear nothing, and I just cannot hear anything except the sound of my own thoughts spinning around in my head and that platinum hair, and I knew one person with hair that platinum.

Amber's POV

I'm going to be completely honest here, and Remus looks positively drunk. When James and I walked in, Sirius is pacing and mumbling to himself, which isn't unusual because he happens to actually do that a lot. But Remus is sitting on the bed with a puzzled look on his face. He looks up at me and he sees me, but he doesn't really see me; his eyes are glossed over and he looks like he's about to simply fall over, even though he's sitting down and that's not very practical.

"Remus?" I ask, hoping for some kind of answer, wanting him to snap out of whatever is happening to his head. He just looks at me, his eyes darker than they usually are, his scar making them pop. I take a step forward, and he finally stands, staggering in a awkward position. He grabs into my shoulders for balance, and his hands are sweaty. I set my own on his chest, mindlessly. I furrow my eyebrows.

"Remus, I-"

"Shh," he shushes me, looking me straight in the eyes, my heart pumping in my chest. I could feel the blood swim through my veins and every organ in my body seems to tense up and fall to the bottom of my chest, rolling and swishing around in my rib cage. "I have something to tell you." My brain freezes as he trails hands down from my shoulder to the small of my back, and I want to cry out but my lips are glued together with shock and intimacy and I feel frozen, my skin completely stiff, all except for what's going on inside my body: chaos.

He pulls me closer to him, his eyes still glossy, and I feel like I'm going to fall over and ruin the entire moment. He's so close and I can feel his body heat radiating into mine, his lips just centimeters away from my own.

"I am in love-" his breath catches, and my breath catches, and I can't breathe, and-

"I am in love with one Narcissa Black."