Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

10: Wake Me Up.

It's Christmas break in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep for about 2 days. I've been up, nervous about the whole James' parents thing. I don't think they'd let me stay with them. God, everything is so weird. Why does it have to be like that? I want my parents back. I want to be at the home I grew up with, not James'. But because my life is an ongoing struggle dependent on my powers and that goddamn F-ING werewolf, I can never, ever have that again.

It's 3 am. I open the window in my dorm, watching the snow. It's freezing outside, so I push into jeans and a sweater. But really, cold doesn't bother me. Being Rectornatura ensures that for me.

I squeeze out the window in my dorm into the snow. It's so beautiful outside; the sky is pale with clouds, and its snowflakes fall gracefully from the gray. The trees are lined with snow and the ground is completely covered. I take a breath, filling my lungs with the chilling air, and I run.

My feet trudge through the snow. I'm just running and running, probably not very fast, and I feel the tears on my face. I don't know what I'm doing, where I am. I just run and run and run and maybe it will give me something, some kind of closure, some kind of benefit-

I never got closure. I never got to say goodbye to my parents or my aunt and uncle. They just died, out of nowhere, abruptly. I never got to say goodbye.

I can't stop. I need some kind of ending, any kind, my heart is exploding, I-

I am going much faster than I thought. I look down, and my feet aren't even moving anymore. The snow is helping me. It lifts me up. I am flying, but not really: it feels like it, anyway, with the lightweight of the snow under my sneakers. I'm not running, nor flying, I'm sliding, on top of a wave of snow. I charge right into the Forbidden Forest, the wind in my hair, and then I realize what a bad idea it is. The branches scratch me, over and over, like arms with long, sharp nails, clawing at me, over and over, until I fall. Pain rips through my limbs.

The impact on the ground is harder than I expected. It takes all the air out of my lungs, and I land on my left side. I squeeze my eyes shut. God, it hurts. At least I'm not cold. It would be a lot worse if I'm cold.

My body tingles all over for a moment, but the feeling of pain ends eventually. I turn over to my back, groaning, and I watch the snow fall. I move it with a flick of my finger so it stays out if my face.

"Amber? Why are you on the ground?" I see my mother peeking behind the nearest tree. She looks exactly like she does in my memories, and my eyes tear up. She wears a thick woollen sweater and jeans, her hair down and curly, her eyes bright in the darkness. I used to play with those curls, I used to wrap them around my fingers and pout because I had inherited my father's straight locks instead of my mother's beautiful spirals.

"Hi Mom," I breathe. She smiles. I love her smile; it's contagious and beautiful and it makes my world seem a little bit brighter. She comes closer. "Mom, I killed my aunt and uncle." My smile drops.

"I know, sweetheart. I know it hurts. It'll be over soon," She says softly, kneeling in the snow next to me. "Everything will be over soon."

"I killed them, Mom. They're dead." My voice breaks. Hot tears roll down my face. I look at the stars, then back at her.

"Mutatio can take it all away, Amber. If you want it to."

"I know, Mom."

"Amber, never let your powers get the best of you. You are in control. You are in control. They can't make you hurt anybody else. Control your anger and your love. You are a Rectornatura, and turning into a beautiful, intelligent young woman."

"I miss you, Mom," I whisper with pain. My heart aches for her.

"I know, baby. I know."

I wake up with a sharp intake of breath. I see the stars, strewn across the midnight sky and immediately, my heart hurts even more, the tears steaming, like boiling water. I can feel the hot blood pumping through my veins, and I look back where Mom was standing, and she's gone. That's how I know it was a dream. I don't remember falling asleep, though, or waking up. Hallucination, maybe? From what? The contagious fear of the Forbidden Forest?

No. I'm not afraid. Whatever's here, I can overcome it. I always do. I can, and I will.

I hear twigs snap in the distance, and I sit up in the white snow, my hands in piles, numb. I sniffle, pushing back more tears. Okay, Amber. Don't panic. You're in control, just like Mom said. You're in control.

All of the sudden, a large, male deer, a stag, appears out of nowhere, breaking all twigs in his way. He is huge and majestic, and he towers over me. For a moment I am too shocked to really do anything, because, you know, it's just a stag. It's not going to even go near me, deer are too afraid, right?

But this one did. He steps towards me, staring in my brown eyes with his black beady ones. My heart races, but my mind tells me to be calm. What's the worst that could happen?

He come closer and closer, and then he's on top of me, his face two inches, not even, from mine. I can already sense how heavy he is, and it makes my heart drop. I'm seriously freaking out, and trying to keep it all in so I don't scare him and get hurt.

He sniffs me, which is probably the most uncomfortable experience I've ever had in my entire life, and then he latches his jaws onto my sweater, in attempt to pull me in another direction, my sweater stretching. Confusion wipes through me. What the hell is going on? Oh god, this is so weird.

Obviously this deer cannot pull me all by itself to where it wants to take me, so I stand up, and he lets go, peering at me. I run my fingers through my hair. He's still bigger than me, even when I'm standing up. I'm 5'4 and he's about the same size. Jesus. He's freaking huge.

"Uh - okay," I exclaim. Amber, you're ridiculous. You're talking to a stag as if he can understand you. What are you on?

But, to my surprise, the deer looks at me as if he does understand me, no longer peering, and then he turns and trots, deep, deep into the forest. I feel nothing but instinct to follow him.

*****

I've been jogging behind this freaking deer for more than 30 minutes; time goes by kinda weird in the Forbidden Forest. I don't like it, but I don't hate it. It's peaceful at night. I'm not afraid, but I'm kind of really creeps out and I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm following a freaking stag. Oh god, whatever, whatever.... I begin to see the edge of the forest, and the huge outline of the castle, and then -

All of the sudden, while I'm jogging behind a deer, when my worst nightmare, literally comes out of nowhere. It had been in every nightmare I've ever experienced, my worst fears, every worst I've ever thought up. What I dreaded, what killed my parents, what ruined my life, an unfortunate event powerful enough to make my heart stop forever. And in that moment, I wish it had.

A werewolf. A skinny, bare werewolf, with long, yellow, disgusting claws and paws caked with dirt. Yellow teeth and soulless black eyes, slobber and snarl and plucking my heartstrings, oh my poor heartstrings, rusty with fear and trauma, and what am I doing? What is going on?

Mom?