Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

37: The Return

I rub my face with my hands, sitting cross-legged in my empty compartment. Luckily, I found one on the train five minutes to 11:00, which is really a treasure to find because the train gets pretty full by this time. I have been praying that I won't see anyone I know, especially not any of the Marauders. I haven't decided yet how I'm going to greet all of them, or Remus, because it hasn't occurred to me until just now that what if he doesn't want to get back together with me? What if he hates me for what happened to Holly? What if he thinks I really am weak, like Vanessa said?

Even though she told me she didn't mean any of the things she said, they impacted me for a reason. What if they were, at least partially, true?

I groan, feeling stupid. I can't believe I let all of this happen. But did I really let this all happen, or was it Remus' fault? I mean, if he had told me about him being a werewolf, we wouldn't have broken up, and maybe we would have been in different places under that table, and Holly couldn't have run out. And why did she? I don't even know. She was fighting someone, and with all of the chaos around us I couldn't tell why she did it, or even who it was she was fighting. Was she protecting someone? Was she protecting us? I'll never get to ask her, and she'll never get to tell me. And if she hadn't run out, she wouldn't have died. I wouldn't have turned off my emotions and then killed four Death Eaters and run away to London. I wouldn't have met Johnny, or Vanessa and the village. Maybe it wasn't my fault, or Remus' fault, or Holly's fault. I guess sometimes things just... happen.

And I couldn't get Johnny's words out of my head. He's in love with me. I didn't really know it until that moment, right before he said it, but I guess it's been obvious this entire time. He took care of me every day I couldn't take care of myself. He bathed me, combed my hair, cooked for me, held me, slept with me, talked me through the bad dreams and kissed my emotional wounds, all without asking for anything in return. I know I love Remus, I know that... but a part of me wished I'd stayed with him. I could have been really happy with him, if I'd let myself.

But I know that any life with Johnny never would have been enough for me, regardless of how much he loved me. He would never be enough, because I don't think I could've ever loved him the way he loved me. There always would've been a whisper in the back of my mind, reminding me of who I left behind at Hogwarts.

And it's good that I'm here. It's good that I'm going back to school; to work in astronomy would be amazing, but every time I look into the future since Holly died, all I can see myself as is a healer. And that's okay, you know. I think I can do it for Holly. I can help others because I couldn't help her.

Going back to Hogwarts and finishing school is my way to do that. I'm smart, I know I can get through it, I can do well. I will have to take my OWLs, which will be very stressful, but Remus will probably help me. I just have to win him over first. 

I try to pass the time with reading, eating my scone, even playing with the condensation on the window, but nothing works. I can't stop thinking about Remus, what he'll say to me, if he'll want me. It hurts my heart to think about, but I at least have to try. I change in my compartment to my robes and flip through the textbooks I'll need for the new year. The spells look like pretty complicated stuff, but I'm not really worried. I know that I can do it, that I'm a quick learner... but looking at everything I had to know made me feel uneasy. 

Eventually, the sun sets and the train halts. Someone calls that we've made it, and I feel my anxiety growing by the minute. I have no idea what to expect, and I think that's what scares me the most. I have no idea how any of them are going to react, and I'm worried their reactions are going to be very, very bad.

I think I'm the last to exit the train. I leave my trunk, thankful it's not thunking behind me and catching my ankles, and silently step into a carriage to get to the castle. It takes me a minute before I notice the large, horse-like, dark-skinned creatures leading the carriage. I furrow my brows, confused. I always thought these carriages led themselves.