Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

7: If Only He Knew

Dumbledore gave us a week off school. All I've been doing since then is sleeping, watching movies, and eating cake. Seriously. That's it. I don't have the energy to do anything else. I've cried all my tears. There's nothing left in me but guilt. Constant, suffocating guilt, there, all the time, like a bottomless hole.

Knock.

My door thuds, along with my heart. I'm laying in bed and hugging my pillow when it happens. It's the fifth day off, December 6th.

"Amber, please let us in," comes the warm coffee voice of Remus Lupin. I can't see him right now. All that I think when he comes to my mind is how I could hurt him. Hurt him like my aunt and uncle. I could hurt any of them, at any time. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

"Amber, please. We know you're in there and we know what happened." It was Sirius this time. How? How could Sirius know?

Oh right, we're related. I'm missing a brain along with my dignity. 

I don't know why I open the door, but I do. They all look normal, as normal as teenage boys could usually look, but Remus doesn't. He has scratches on his face.

"What the hell happened to you?" I exclaim looking at his face. Okay, yeah, Amber, that was pretty rude. I didn't mean it like that.

"Um, stress."

"Bullshit. Where have you all been?" Anger surged through me. Just when I needed them, they had to freaking disappear?

"We can't tell you," mutters Peter. I give them a hard look, then I slam the door. It thuds, and I lock it. I then run and collapse on my bed.

"Amber, let us in!"

"I don't want to talk about it!" I yell, pulling my face out of the pillow to scream, then back in. I just want to sink into my mattress and disappear from the world. That would be so comfortable.

"Amber!" Bang bang, goes the door.

"Fine." I mumble into the pillow.

What am I doing?

"What?"

"FINE!" I scream, my pulse beating throughout my body. I can practically see them jumping back, startled. They really know how to push me over the edge.

I unlock the door, but I don't open it, so I don't have to look at them. I turn right back around and flop back in bed. Someone opens it, cautiously, then closes the door.

"Amber, we know about your parents," James' voice. I get up, rolling my eyes and sitting on my bed.

"Great. So do I."

"Amber-" Peter begins, but I don't let him finish for the life of me.

"I told you I don't want to talk about it."

"Amber, I know it hurts right now..." Remus takes my hand. His hand is so warm... I feel guilty even touching him. What if fire starts coming out again?! Don't get angry, Amber. Stay calm. Breathe. Oh Remus... If only you knew..."-but you really need some fresh air and people to confide to." I take my hand away from his warm, beautiful, gentle grasp, with reluctance of course, but I cannot bare to be touched any longer. I crawl into a fetal position, where my knees come up to my face, facing my thighs. I don't want them to see me cry. My hair is everywhere. I can feel the tears coming and I know, even with my water powers, I can't stop them.

My body shakes with sobs. I can't stand myself. I hate myself, I hate my life and my powers and everything-

"Guys, could you leave us alone for a minute?" Sirius says, out of the blue. I can't decide how I feel about it, I'm just crying, crying, crying, looking down into darkness.

I can feel the weight on the bed lifting, then the sound of the door closing, and I am left with only one Marauder.

"That was my aunt and uncle who died, too. They were real bastards, you know, you don't have to feel this terrible. Wait-I mean-"

"You didn't kill them, Sirius!" I sob, an almost whisper. For a moment I think he doesn't hear me, but when I listen to the sound of his breathing through the deafening silence I know he had.

My heart stops, a million knots tying in my chest.

I didn't just say that, right? I can't believe it; What just happened?

"What?" he exclaims, his eyes wide with disbelief. I can tell it's from shock. How do I cover this up? How?

"I'm a Rectornatura."

***** 

I told him everything; I trust Sirius, but I didn't really have a choice. I had to explain. I know he won't tell anyone, but I just feel so stupid. How could I tell him, how could I let it slip?

But now, he is one of the two people alive who knows my secret. The other is Dumbledore. Sirius is related to me, after all... If you map out some crazy family tree, then, yeah.

After I tell him, he scoots up next to me and gives me a gigantic hug. I wasn't expecting it, but what does it matter? It's warm and comforting and full of meaning. I know he means it. I mean it right back with every bone in my body.

"I know what it's like to be different, Amber. I'm really glad you told me. I won't tell anybody. Ever. I swear," he promises, looking at me with sincere dark eyes. I know he must be telling the truth... Why would he lie?

"I'm so scared, Sirius... What do I do? I killed them. I'm dangerous. I can't control it. I could hurt any of you... At any moment-" my voice breaks before I can finish. I'm crying waterfalls now. I wipe my tears away, trying to remain strong, but I sink back down into my own puddle of self-pity and self-loathing. He rubs my back and I lean into him. He smells good; like freshly cut firewood.

"I know you're scared. Please, though, I know you can control your powers. I know it's hard, too, but I trust you, and I know you are strong enough. You have to try," he reassures me.

I have tried, I want to say. But I break out in sobs again and forget how to speak.

I've never cried so much in front of anyone. I hardly ever cry, until now I suppose. When my parents died, of course I cried. But never in front of anyone. I went to live with my cousins and I cried myself to sleep every night... I don't even remember how long for. Andromeda heard once and she comforted me; but I never let her actually see me cry. I never let anyone. Until now.

"I'm really sorry this had to happen to you, Amber."

I know. I know he's sorry. I resent myself. I resent myself for what I've done. I resent myself for killing my aunt and uncle; I resent myself for being a Rectornatura; I resent myself for making friends, therefore putting them in danger; I resent myself for developing a stupid crush for the same reason; I resent myself for not being careful enough, for slipping up. I resent myself. I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I do this right? Why? Why, Mom, why?

The others came back in, but just to say goodbye. I had pretty much stopped crying, but my eyes are still red and puffy.

"Sorry, Amber. We have to go to class. We'll see you later, okay?" James says affectionately. I nod, then sniffle.

"I'm really sorry, Amber. I'll come by later," Remus tell me with warm words. He takes my hand for a second, his rough and warm and bigger than mine. My small hand fit perfectly in his huge one. I gave him a little smile, a sign of reassurance; they had lifted my spirits.

"Thank you," I whisper, full of gratitude, meaning it more than I ever have in my nearly 16 years of life.