Searching Light (Remus Lupin)

9: Forever Fifteen

School is drowning me. Apparently missing a week means pages and pages and pages of work: essays, written responses, classwork, actual homework, projects, labs, etc.

And, of course, I have my wonderful Remus drama. This week's update: I have no idea what the fuck is going on inside that hot little brain of his, but it's driving me crazy. Seriously, I'm getting really frustrated. I don't know what happened in my dorm over my break, but was so intense, so hot, and we were so close, and then, bam. We just weren't.

I don't even know why I'm worrying so much about this. School and Remus are the least of my problems.

My birthday's getting closer. Scaring the hell out of me, of course. I don't know what will happen, honestly. Every day my birthday creeps closer and closer and I'm freaking out more and more.

Just imagine what it's like to have no emotions at all. To feel no remorse. No grief. No happiness, sadness, joy, regret. I would never feel anything; just flying through life, without a care. Would that be amazing, or would it be hell? How would I know?

Oh yeah, but it would be pretty fucking awesome if I could read other people's minds. The teachers, even. Imagine, just going through everyone's thoughts like a book. I can't wait, but I can. Reading Remus' mind. I'd finally know what he's thinking. When do I ever?

Anyway, it would be totally cool. All of it. But it's nervewrecking. I don't know how to think about it. The thought, the possibility, that I could hurt someone brings tears to my eyes. I'm so scared. I'm so dangerous already... what about when I lose my temper with my full powers? What if I kill someone? Taking a life, a good one? I've already taken two. I never want to turn sixteen. I just want to stay fifteen forever; but, I suppose, time doesn't work like that.

It's my third day back to school. I would, honestly, do anything to not be here right now. I get up and shower and don't bother with my hair: I never even take it out of the messy bun I sleep in. I throw on my robes and use air to get my shoes from across the room. I skip breakfast, even though I know I shouldn't. I haven't eaten in 4 days; I don't know. I'm just not hungry. I'm losing weight like crazy. I don't really care anymore. I still get coffee though. At lunch, usually.

I avoid eye contact with everyone on my way to Charms, my first class on Wednesdays. I sit in the back. A few people stare at me; I guess that the news came out pretty fast. One girl in Ravenclaw smiles at me, a gentle smile, while her friends just stare. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I'm not a violent person, and I usually attempt to communicate my feelings pretty well. But at that moment, I don't feel gratitude that there are people out there who aren't assholes, I actually want to slap her. What is she? Apologetic? She doesn't even know me. I doubt she even looked twice at me before my aunt and uncle died. That's the problem with people. They don't bother with the lives of the people who don't concern them. God I hate people in Ravenclaw. So stuck up.

The class started and I wasn't paying attention. I'm staring off into sweet abyss, in my own little universe. I don't like this class anyway; it's boring.

"Ms. Diamanté? Do you have the essay on Fidelius?" Professor Flitwick asks me. He stands beside me since he's short, and we're the same height even when I'm sitting down.

Shit. Oh god. The essay. I swear, I wrote twenty essays in the last two days. I'm drowning in work.

"I'm sorry, Professor, I don't have it," I stutter. He sighs, and floating quill makes an X on the floating parchment beside him.

"For Merlin's sake, when are the teachers gonna stop giving her so many excuses? She's not that special," a Ravenclaw girl says coldly to her friend nearby. Tears sting my eyes. I look down and force them back up. Don't let them see you cry, Amber. Brush it off.

Everyone is staring at the girl. The Ravenclaw girl who smiled at me at the beginning of class turns around, a disgusted look on her face.

"Her aunt and uncle are dead, Sheyanne. Have a little compassion for a human being besides yourself."

"Oh my god, so what, Holly? I bet they were trash just like her." Professor Flitwick stands speechless. He looks like he's about to say something.

"What a bitch," someone mutters.

Woosh!

"Ahh!! Oh my god!" Sheyanne shrieks. She's soaking in water, her robes dripping. Her mouth is open in an O. I smile to myself, looking down, and everyone starts laughing.

She points me an accusing finger. "She did it! It was all her, Professor! She did it!"

"Ms. Connelly, you have no proof it was her."

"What?"

"Nobody saw her," he reasons. Her face looks like a scene from a movie has been painted on her.

"You're ridiculous, Sheyanne," Holly scoffs.

"Shut up! God, who has time for this bullshit?" She says angrily as she packs up her books, everything dripping wet.

"Detention, Ms. Connelly!"

"Whatever!" She yells as she storms out of the classroom, steam blowing out of her ears.

It's silent when she leaves. All you can hear is someone's stifled laughter. I smile to myself and everyone collects themselves to continue the lesson. I'm not that bothered by what she said. I've been called worse, anyway. It doesn't matter. But I still wish I had brought my essay.

What bothered me, though, was that it wasn't me. I didn't dump water on her with my powers. It was someone else, but it wasn't magic. For that, someone would have had to point their wand at Sheyanne and exclaim a spell, which didn't happen. You could argue that someone could have done it without their wand, but only great wizards can do that, and I know Professor Flitwick hadn't done it to his own student. My final conclusion, after some thought, was that there was another Rectornatura in that room. 

It doesn't matter much to me, though. I don't spend too much time thinking about it. The other Rectornatura would probably prefer it if I didn't investigate, so I won't. I get an extra-large coffee from the kitchen and I go by the Black Lake. On the other side, of course. I don't know why. I just want to get away from everything. The world is too stressful right now. With Remus and school and my birthday and everything, I just know that it's killing me inside. Everything is killing me.