AFTER DARK | Johan Liebert

Chapter 14: I won't leave again

"Do you have an ex boyfriend named Erik?"

I froze when I heard the question. A hundred thoughts crossed my mind, and I found myself just staring at Johan, searching for words. "I... How do you know about him?"

"You said something when you feel asleep yesterday. About a man who looked just like..." He didn't want to say the name, I figured. I tightened the grip around my cup, trying to hold on to it to calm myself down. Eventually, I took a breath and told him.

"That was many years ago. I met someone whose appearance is similar to him. That's all."

"So..." Johan's eyebrows were furled, and he was hesitant to ask. "So you and your ex didn't end up on good terms, I assume?"

I shook my head. "No." I sighed. "But it was the best decision for both of us." Again, I smiled awkwardly, scratching my head. "It wasn't just his fault. Back then, I was young and dumb, and I did mistakes, too. I was a pretty bad girlfriend, actually. I didn't want to do anything with him. I was way too prude... It's understandable he had enough of me."

Johan looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher. He thought about what I said. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him so much, I thought. On the other hand, he deserved to know. And I wanted him to know.

"... Do you want him back?"

His voice was deeper than usual and I could feel him being uncomfortable. I tilted my head, giving him a questioning look. "Erik? No." He looked me in the eye, curiously. "He is in the past, and there he will stay. He was my first and only boyfriend, so of course, he is special to me... But I don't want him back. I don't miss him, and I don't want to ever see him again. I moved from Kiel to Hamburg to escape him. That was four years ago, and I have never regretted that decision." I looked at Johan with determination, and his gaze softened as he heard my words. "Thank you for telling me." "Don't thank me for that. I should thank you for listening to my story." 

For a moment, there was silence. We were both drinking our teas, covered in blankets on the sofa. I watched Johan, who sat sideways to me. He was deep in thoughts. I couldn't help but think how handsome he was, and I knew I shouldn't think about that at the moment. But his blonde bangs, his blue eyes, his facial features... Oh, even his hands were beautiful. Why did he bother hanging around with me?

"Klara?"

"Yes?" 

Without turning to me, he spoke up.

"I thought you went out drinking because you were sad about your ex, but now I know that wasn't the case. Why were you so devastated on Thursday?"

I could feel myself sweating, trying not to blush at the question. I couldn't even say anything because it caught me so off guard. Clenching my teeth, I dug deep inside my brain to find a fitting answer.

"Klara?" He looked at me, and his perfect eyes met mine. I was probably red in the face already.

"I won't answer that question."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is it too personal?"

His words left me speechless.

"You really don't know?"

"Don't know what?"

My speechlessness turned into devastation. "You— How can you not see it? You, who seems to see through everyone, can't put two and two together..."

For the first time, I saw something in his eyes that looked like true confusion. I reddened even more, lowering my head. "Never mind." He thought about it, and suddenly, something seemed to come to his mind.

"Wait. Were you so sad... because of me?"

I clenched my teeth again, placing the cup on the coffee table and pulled my blanket over my face. "Shut up!"

Carefully, after half a minute, I took a glimpse at him from under my blanket. His face looked like he had just found the formula for time travelling. 

"Don't pity me", I murmured. "I don't want that. If you want to leave me, then leave. But if your farewell was truly about yourself, then let me tell you one thing." I put the blanket beside me, stood up and stopped in front of him. "You can always start anew. You can always seek forgiveness, no matter what you've done. And from what I see... you are a polite person on the outside, but you're fighting yourself on the inside. Don't barricade yourself! Don't be afraid to get to know people, and let them get to know you - even if it's not me. Find someone you can confide in, and leave your past where it belongs."

He seemed to be astonished by my words, but saddened at the same time. There was pain in his eyes, and vulnerability. It was the crack in his facade.

"When I was a child..."

I looked at him curiously as he spoke.

"... I was shot in the head."

I winced at what he said. "What?" He didn't look at me, just stared at the ground. 

"That night, I was saved by a brilliant neurosurgeon. He chose my life over the city's mayor and got in trouble for saving me."

Slowly, I sat down next to him, listening to him carefully.

"I went on and lived my life. Most people would shudder at my way of living, at what I did... I was aware of that. All I wanted is for my sister to be happy, to make her forget all the sorrow and pain we went through, but she was terrified of me. I knew that in the end, I had to die for my crimes. There was no other way." He turned his head, looking at me. "I was shot again, and I was saved a second time. I spent a year in a coma, and after I woke up, I started a new life here. That was two years ago."

I couldn't process all the information he had given me so suddenly. But even if I was dying to know, I didn't want to ask for details, it didn't feel right.

"And then, I met you."

I was surprised by those words. He continued, smiling softly at me. "I wanted you to know."

I leaned on his shoulder, looking at the ground. From the corner of my eye, I could see that he was slightly raising his hand and moving it to mine, but he hesitated. I lifted my hand and laid it on his. He winced a little, but stayed calm nonetheless.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. If I knew you would be so sad, I wouldn't have left you."

Tears rushed into my eyes when he said that. Not because I actually felt like my drinking was his fault, but because he was so considerate, so caring... It felt as if we had known each other way longer than two weeks. I closed my eyes, still leaning on his shoulder and inhaling his scent.