AFTER DARK | Johan Liebert

Chapter 35: Can't get you out of my head

My mind was totally blank and full of thoughts at the same time. It was as if I was in a different world ever since our kiss. When I came home yesterday, I closed the door and leaned against it, breathing in and out. On the inside, I was screaming and jumping out of joy, but on the outside, all I could do is grin like an idiot. I remembered Johan's endearing smile, which made my heart beat even faster than before. It was the most genuine smile of him that I had ever seen, full of joy, with small tears in his eyes, showing his vulnerability without fear. And the fact that he felt the same way about me like I did about him... I was so moved that it had been hard for me not to cry the whole time. I was glad we had each other, and finally had the certainty, that we wanted to be together.

I wish our embrace could have lasted forever. I didn't want to let go of him and just stay in his arms as he held me, looking at me like I was his whole world. Saying goodbye that day was almost impossible for both of us, it was similar to the situation back in Stuttgart. Now that he wasn't around, I missed him so badly, impatiently waiting for the next time we could see each other, which was Monday. A few months ago, I would have been happy that it would take 'just a few days' to see him again, but now, only one day without him felt like a lifetime. I missed his smile, his scent, his soothing voice... frustrated, I rolled on the sofa, glancing at the clock. It was only Friday afternoon. How was I supposed to endure this solitude for two more days? I still had to prepare for work and make some food for the evening.

My photographic memory didn't help, either. I couldn't think of anything else - instead, as I prepared dinner, I was imagining all kinds of things, which had me embarrassed. But I couldn't help it. I wished he could hug me from behind now, rest his head on my shoulder. I wanted to kiss him again so badly, feel his arms around my waist, and just look into his beautiful eyes. Sighing, I flicked my own forehead. That's enough. Stop fantasising, damn it.

But I was not successful. A few hours later, when I was about to go to bed, I still had the same thoughts. I felt so desperate and helpless, trying to make the thoughts go away. And if I was honest with myself, I didn't know how our date on Monday would go. We planned on going to Hamburg at lunchtime, just like yesterday. Perhaps we could find a good restaurant and eat outside, then go to the river once again, just living our lives to the fullest... But I had a feeling it wouldn't be as romantic as I wanted it to be.

I wondered whether Johan would tell me about his past. Someday, he surely would, especially if we'd stay together for years, but I was kind of curious to know what happened to him. I wanted to thoroughly understand him... but I guess that had to wait. Either way, all that mattered to me was the Johan he was right now, the Johan I fell in love with... and I respected his privacy. Because it wasn't as if him withholding his past would affect our relationship - at least not directly.

But mine did.

When I thought about it, I was kind of nervous about his reaction. But I had to tell him, because he deserved to know.

I had to come clean with him.

Because there was something important he didn't know.

A/N: Hey guys! This chapter is shorter again because the next chapters will be intense. I hope you look forward to it!