AFTER DARK | Johan Liebert

Chapter 21: What you've done

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I couldn't understand why Klara was acting like this. Of course, I was able to look through most people - but it was different if you were personally involved with that person. Based on my knowledge and experience with humans, I could conclude a psychological profile on Klara - but it felt like my mind was clouded when trying to do this. She had no reason to feel that way. She was pretty, had a good figure, was a kind person - she was someone others wanted to be so badly. Seeing her trying to impress me with that short dress had me feeling depressed. Admittedly, I wouldn't have expected this kind of behaviour from her.

Not that I judged her - but until today, I had never considered her view on intimacy. It felt like she was uncomfortable wearing revealing clothes, but on certain occasions, she'd do it anyway. At work, I had never seen her in anything close to "revealing" - which was due to the fact that she worked with children, of course - but her style was definitely modest. The type of behaviour she showed today just didn't fit in - not in the picture of the Klara I knew.

Or did it fit in, and I just wasn't able to see it? Suddenly, I was reminded of words she had told me earlier, during the time she was ill. I remembered her painful expression. "It wasn't his fault.", she had told me, scratching her head, "Back then, I was young and dumb, and I did mistakes, too. I was a pretty bad girlfriend, actually. I didn't want to do anything with him. I was way too prude... It's understandable he had enough of me."

Back when she first said these words, I was alarmed, but given the whole situation that day, I had forgotten about it until now. I knew that Klara was emotionally reserved, careful whom she opened up to. I was aware that her last relationship had caused her a lot of pain, and I didn't pressure her into anything. I never alluded to physically intimate matters - firstly, because I had no use for them myself, and secondly because I didn't want to cross any of her boundaries. I didn't want her to turn away and I didn't have the feeling that she intended to. But what if she thought I'd leave if she stayed too reserved for too long? Especially in a physical way? I knew what it was like, being left in a vulnerable state. Having emotions for another person made someone quite dependant, even if it wasn't always easy to admit to that fact. In the past, and even now, I was committed to Anna's happiness - even if it meant staying out of her life, forever. But I knew what I had done, and it was the right thing to do. And still, when I analysed myself, I realised that the anger I had towards my mother was still inside of me. Sometimes I wondered whether these negative feelings would haunt me for life, if I was able to find happiness, eventually. Was I even allowed to, after everything I had done? And while knowing what I had done was unforgivable, I wondered if my mother felt the same way. Was she still thinking about me? Dr. Tenma told me so before I had escaped three years ago. But did she tell him the truth? I knew Dr. Tenma wouldn't lie to me - after all, I still carried the name he'd called me by - but what about mother? She, who had deprived me of my identity from the very beginning, who dressed me up as my sister, who was ready to sacrifice me and eventually left me on my own - did she regret what she'd done? Or had she just been a victim herself?

I sighed. This train of thoughts lead me nowhere. Thinking and re-thinking about these events I'd never get the answer to - it was no use. I decided to leave it at that. Now, I had a new life, with new people and a new chance to be a better person, to make things better than my parent did. I thought of Klara and our relationship. What were we, even? I wanted to listen to her troubles, to be there for her and just see her smile. But she wasn't just an acquaintance or a friend. When she stepped out of the fitting room, twirling around in that short, white dress, I didn't even dare look at her body. Her eyes had contained something so distorted that it made me feel uneasy inside, this feeling that something about a situation was entirely wrong. Or was I just thinking about it too much? No, my gut feeling didn't fool me. 

I didn't even need to know why she was acting like this. I just wanted her to know that she didn't have to do this. For some reason, I had the desperate desire to protect her, even if I didn't know from what. Just remembering her precious smile, the things she'd done for me, not letting go of me, made me feel warmth inside and filled the void in my heart. I wanted to make her happy.

A couple of weeks later, I stood in front of her apartment door, ready to go to the motto party - and I knew she'd freak out seeing me in my costume.