The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part One

XXIV: November, 1993

Sirius couldn't sleep. He was restless, more restless than he had ever felt in his life, save for a very few, very horrible moments that he could think of. All he could see in his mind's eye was the falling clump of robes that had been Harry Potter, descending a million miles an hour toward the ground from the very pinnacle of the sky.

He'd heard Albus Dumbledore yell the arresto momentum - everyone in the pitch must've heard it the way the old man bellowed the spell - but his brain couldn't stop showing him pictures of shattered, smooshed Harry, with twisted limbs and lifeless form, and in his mind the image blended and blended and he looked so much like his father the night that --

"NO, no... no. No, no. NO. No. No, no, no, no, no, no..." and Sirius was crouching, laughing and crying at the same time, pressed into the very corner of the living room in the Shrieking Shack, shaking and rocking himself a bit, hands covering his ears. "No, no, no, no..."

His breath shook with the rhythm of the motion he was making, the floor creaked. "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off," he murmured, though even Achyls was quiet these days, even Achlys had been muted by the dementors. Sometimes, he actually missed her during the days in Azkaban. She'd been a right bitch, but at least she'd been there.

Now it was nothing but the thought that Harry could have looked exactly like his father the last time Sirius had laid eyes on James that haunted him.

"No, no, no, no," he trembled.

There was a tap on his shoulder.

Sirius leaped up from crouching into a full standing position, like a firework set off, and he was wild, his reflexes tight and his mind loose, he shot a reducto spell across the room without thinking and there was a loud crashing sound as a mirror on the wall shattered into a thousand pieces and the heavy ornate frame that had held it fell to the floor.

He looked around, frantic, afraid of who might have touched him, and his eyes fell on Remus Lupin, where he lay, sprawled on the floor beside him, where Sirius had sent him falling when he had sprung up so quickly.

He was seeing things of course, of course Remus Lupin wasn't there, of course not.

Sirius laughed at his visions, what an idiot he was to think he was looking at Remus Lupin! He wouldn't believe it for a second.

"Ohh-ho-ho! Pretty ripe this is," he cackled, turning about on his spot and resuming his madly frantic pacing. "As if seeing you makes everything better! Oh the tricks the mind plays on the mad. Still got your ring on, too, as though we're still together, as though nothing happened; well EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING WORLD HAPPENED, DIDN'T IT REMUS? The entire WORLD fell apart into pieces, like that damned mirror!" Sirius flung his arm dramatically in the direction of the mirror and the shattered glass on the floor. The power exuding from him sent the broken shards skittering across the floor to form a pile beneath the broken frame.

"Look at me, look at you, we're a fucking mess... Look at this place, just like us - FALLING APART!" Sirius continued on. He shook his head, then, thinking of Peter rat bastard Pettigrew up in Gryffindor tower, being fed rat treats and having his fur stroked and getting to see Harry and getting to be around Harry and Sirius popped off even more. "LAYING IN THE LAP OF LUXURY AT HOGWARTS CASTLE, AS THOUGH THEY AREN'T DEAD... AS THOUGH YOU'VE EARNED ANY OF THE GOOD THINGS YOU HAVE, WHEN I - I... when I..." he broke again, and he spiraled down, circling slowly into a crouch, tucking himself into the corner by the door. "No, no... no... can't go back, can't go back... I can't. I - I can't, I won't. I WON'T! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Back up, back to his feet. He looked over at the now standing, backing away vision of Remus Lupin and he cackled, grinning widely. "What? What's this all about then?" he asked, mimicking how Remus had his palms up and splayed, as though he were warding off Sirius, as though he were afraid. "What, are you afraid of me? Are you afraid of how MAD I HAVE BECOME?" He laughed, he laughed at the notion of Remus Lupin cowering from him. As though the real Remus Lupin would ever cower, as if the real Remus Lupin were afraid of anything. This was how he knew for certain it was a vision. The real Remus Lupin would gave said something funny and witty by now, would have broken the tension, would have alleviated Sirius's madness. Some joke about the Black family flair rising up would've been made, some call to be less dramatic.

"I saw him, I saw him, he was in my sights -" Sirius hissed, turning away from the Remus vision to pace once more. "I HAD HIM. And bloody hell if it wasn't like he was just daring me to go on a finish the job. I could have blasted him! I could have... could have sent him on to be with James and Lily again, could have just --" Sirius shot a spell at the fireplace and a chunk of the mantle flew into the air. "BUT NO! I had to go and HESITATE, to get... SENTIMENTAL... and then it all happened so fast..."

He started laughing again, picturing the way it had looked when the rat had leaped up and scurried away, how he'd looked back as Harry Underhill had bound Sirius Black's wrists so tight he couldn't have escaped if he had blown his own self up. He laughed so hard at the irony of the moment, at the thought that the true killer really was being arrested. He shook his head and paced, paced, paced...

The image of James Potter's body flashed through his head, blended with the image of Harry falling...

"Is he alright, then? Did he make it off the pitch?" Sirius whirled on the vision, on the fear filled eyes of the imaginary Lupin. "Or have I missed my chance at having a moment for myself?"

"He's going to be okay," Remus Lupin's voice trembled.

"He's going to be okay. He has to be. He's James Potter."

"He isn't going to be okay, Remus, he isn't going to be okay! HE'S DEAD."

"No. No, don't be foolish... James can't be --" the words broke off. "They can't be dead. He's going to be okay... he's going to be okay..."

Horrid flashback, this vision was.

Sirius twisted away again, shaking, and he spiraled once more, descending, down... down... down... back into the crouch once again. He covered his head, the idea of Harry/James still filling his whole mind, the vision of Remus Lupin there... right there... staring at him, aghast and full of denial... so real, yet so horribly impossible...

"Only his broomstick was ruined," Remus said. "Other than that, he's alright. He's better off than either of us are."

"Not hard to be better than we are, is it, old friend?" Sirius murmured, closing his eyes, rocking himself... rocking, rocking, rocking...

The dementors were surely in this place. They had to be. Nothing else could possibly hurt this badly inside his chest. Nothing else could make Remus Lupin feel so real, so close.

Just like they'd done to him in that cell, conjuring up a hundred thousand faces that always melted and blended back into one face - once face that Sirius had stared into for twelve years... one face that seemed to beg him for an explanation, for accountability...

Where were you? Why weren't you there?

"Go away, go away, go away," Sirius pleaded, sobbing, begging the vision, begging the dementors, begging the face that haunted him constantly and forever. "Go away, go away..."

And when he looked up again, the vision of Remus Lupin was gone.

He knew it would be.

Knew it.

Knew it.

Knew it.

Knew... it...

They always left, the visions did... because there was no one really there at all. They always left...

"...left my baby and it feels so bad, I guess my race is run... best baby that I ever had... I fought the law and the law won... I fought the law and the --"

He rocked. He rocked. He breathed, he rocked... pushing all the visions out, all the images... the faces, the bodies, the sensations...

"I fought the law and the law won; I fought the law and the law won..."