The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part One

The Weight

James stood tall, eyes staring straight ahead, barely focused. Beside him, Lily held his hand and squeezed tightly, her attention split between James and Sirius. Sirius and Remus stood a few steps away, Sirius's palms covering his face as he sobbed loudly and openly, quaking under Remus's arm.

The sunlight cut through the trees, golden in the afternoon, and a light breeze carried the scent of florals on the air, the leaves rustling quietly. The shadow of the old stone church stretched long, over a stone wall and into the road beyond, as though pointing to something down the way.

Dora Potter reached out suddenly and clasped her son's free hand as tightly as her fingers could close around his. She was shaking, and James took his hand from Lily's to hug his mum, shifting his jacket off to warm her shoulders as the evening air cooled significantly.

There was a grave, and a stone. There were flowers and other people around them. James barely saw any of them. He just stared at the casket that sat before him, his mind playing nasty tricks of trying to imagine Charlus there... laying right there...

He couldn't look away.

Certainly, pretty words were said.

Surely, memories were shared.

Perhaps there were pictures and happy thoughts of better times spent with Charlus. Maybe Dora professed her love and Minnie recounted an adventure. It could be that Moody commended him for his work in the Ministry, or somebody mentioned his success with the hair goop. Most likely there were tears shed and gods implored, and then the casket was lowered and the dirt was put over it and the funeral was over.

Numb, James followed the others away, back to Ms. Bagshot's yard, where a gathering was held with food and drink, a time to share condolences and apologies, and more memories and tears. James sat with Dora in chairs by the fireplace, nodding and thanking people for coming to the funeral.

Finally James couldn't take anymore. "Excuse me," he murmured, and he pushed out the door to the street and walker along, feeling disoriented in a place so familiar. He walked without knowing where he was really headed, until he reached the Dumbledore house. The camp, that's where. He took a few steps into the trees, then changed into a stag and, for just a few moments, he let himself fall into that mindset, allowed the creature to take over.

He ran through the trees, as fast and as hard as he could, dashing and bolting along, leaping where he needed to veer suddenly, and finally came to a halt in the clearing where their tents and fire would normally be. He stood there... panting, frustrated, alone.

He turned back to his human form and sat heavily on a stump they often sat upon by a roaring fire during their camping trips. He'd never felt so heavy and empty at the same time, as though everything inside him had been emptied out and replaced by bricks.

There was a long, low whine, and he turned to see Snuffles the dog laying in a patch of shadows. He got up and walked quietly over through the clearing to where the dog lay, and stroked his head behind his ears. The dog closed his eyes and together they sat in silence, feeling the weight of that which they'd both lost.

That evening, Lily was in the kitchen of the shabby flat in East London with Remus, making dinner. James and Sirius were each in their respective rooms. The quiet in the flat contrasted greatly against the volume of the revelers downstairs in the curry shop, where some sort of celebration was being had. There was loud music and shouting, clapping, and singing. It was a strange contrast that Lily's mind spun around - how one person's darkest day could be another's day of celebration. The muggles downstairs knew nothing of Charlus Poter and the terribleness of a death by dragon pox, they did not know that upstairs two young men were curled in their beds in their separate rooms thinking their separate thoughts, their worlds having screeched to a halt so quickly.