A Wolf's Miracle

Chapter 21

I must have showered thirty times but I still didn't feel clean. I scrubbed and scrubbed hoping this would remove the guilt, the pain, and the anger. Fuck, there was so much anger. At Harlan, at the men, but mostly at myself, I was so angry at myself. How could I ever think going out drinking alone was a good idea? Was I new? I should've known better, but I was so tired.

My rational brain also knew this was normal, the feeling of guilt, and that it wasn't my fault. I should be allowed to go out alone. I should be free to roam as I please without worrying I might offend someone just because I exist. This could've happened to anyone. It was good it happened to me, someone who could fight back.

But fighting back wasn't killing. If I had merely injured him I wouldn't feel bad at all, he deserved that. I was even okay with them being dead. But taking a life in such a way... I don't think I could ever be okay with that.

Of course, we've all thought we could kill rapists, child molesters, and abusers. But when it comes to it, most people hesitate. I didn't. Something took over and I killed him. But there was something worse, something I couldn't admit to myself, not yet.

I put on the clothes Gemma had picked out for me, they were a loose hoodie and sweatpants. She left me bunny slippers. I was honestly in the mood for bunny slippers. 

I walked around my house, letting my hair air-dry as I avoided her room at all costs. Was I curious, yes? Could she have cameras? Obviously.

I couldn't eat at all, everything reminded me of how it felt to have someone's body parts in my mouth. So I just roamed around eventually ending up poolside watching the sunset on the horizon.

I loved the way the sunlight trickled through the water. I loved the water. Maybe I wouldn't mind dying by drowning.

 I'd heard drowning wasn't as bad after a while. Once the turmoil passed, it was almost peaceful. I wanted peace, I needed peace. 

Maybe drowning wouldn't be so bad.

"Don't even think about it" Harlan's voice startled me, almost making me fall from my chair. "That's the coward's way out." I turned to look at him and audibly gasped to see he was completely covered in dry blood.

I ran to him as I visually inspected him for wounds "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I said worriedly.

"Not my blood," he said with a wicked grin and my stomach sank to the ground.

"Did you...--"

"Kill him? Yes, it was delightful" he interrupted and I looked away.

Because of me, he had to kill them because of me.

"Don't fool yourself, Diana. I killed them because I wanted to, not because of you" he said seriously "I killed them because they deserved it because that was the right thing."

I was too astounded "How did you know?"

"Wolf telepathy" he answered, vaguely again, but this time I didn't have the energy to ask again. He noticed this and seemed almost disappointed. "Wolfs can communicate with each other through howls if they are too far away, and telepathy when we are close enough."

So he heard everything I was thinking? Oh my God, I could actually die right now. I wanted to die. "So, you heard--" he had the bad habit of interrupting me, I was beginning to notice.

"No, I can only hear your thoughts when they involve a strong emotion, that is not very usual" he looked me in the eye and I heard in my head 'If I wanted to talk to you mind-to-mind I'd have to maintain eye contact with you, while we are in human form.'

"Could I prevent you from reading my mind?" I asked out loud, not even sure I could talk to him mind-to-mind.

"Not me, not Damien or Selene," he said calmly. "Damien's the royal alpha and I'm the royal beta. That means we are the strongest of our respective kinds." 

"And other alphas or betas?" I asked again, I was very keen on my privacy.

"Maybe, with training." Training. Right. Why couldn't I be a natural shield or something? Like that girl from Twilight, what's-her-name? 

Don't expect a lot from me, I am terrible with celebrity names, that is why I can't even remember what Gemma's last name was. Honestly, it was a miracle I remembered her first name. I still had no idea if Harlan was actually dating her, or sleeping with her.

I had no idea why I cared so much, but it was really irking me. "So, you and Gemma are like together?" I asked shyly, abruptly changing the subject in a not-so-subtle way. Great, now he was going to think I liked him, or why else would I care?

Do I like Harlan though? Ugh, nope, not the time.

"Wha--" he was caught off suddenly. And all I could do was watch as Gemma wrapped her arms around his waist in the tightest back hug