A Wolf's Miracle

Chapter 48

"I'm sorry" he looked at me confused. "I shouldn't have pushed you to tell me anything."

He stared at me for a moment, processing what I'd just said. "Why?"

"What?" I was confused by how vague he was being. Why what? Harlan needs to start using complete sentences.

"Why are you apologizing when you're right?" he spoke like he was genuinely confused. "I'm keeping secrets from you Di, I'm lying, you know this."

"It doesn't matter anymore, you don't have to tell me If you don't want to I--"

"No I should," he said "Violette told me I should a while ago," he took a deep breath "I want to say these things to you, I do, but I can't" he looked away, embarrassed.

And I felt so bad. So bad because I was pushing him when he wasn't ready, so bad because I was selfish and only thought about myself without thinking of him or his reasons...

"Please stop apologizing," I said putting a hand on his arm. "I'm the one who's sorry, I know you must have your reasons and you weren't ready, I was wrong, please please don't feel bad."

He looked me in the eye and said "I'm afraid" he confessed and it made me shatter.

Harlan has never been afraid of anything as long as I have known him. Harlan fights for everyone he cares about, Harlan is a brave leader and a pillar in his community. Harlan, the man that saved my life. 

I didn't know how to respond but knew I had to be quick. 

So I did the only thing I could think of, I hugged him. 

I hugged him so tight I was afraid I might crack his ribs. He was hesitant at first, but then he hugged me back. "And that's okay, really, there is nothing wrong with being afraid," I said softly. "You're the strongest person I know either way."

"I don't deserve that," he said, clinging harder to me, as if fearing that I would slip away "I'm not a good person, Di." His whole body was tense and he was having a hard time breathing, but I waited. I knew Harlan wasn't a bad person. 

"I mentioned I've done horrible things before," His voice was weak and he was shaking "That's what my nightmares are about. They're about that and him." He said the last word with so much hatred he pulled away and looked at the ground.

I kept waiting, I wasn't going to judge him or even form an opinion until he told me everything "Who?" But I knew who.

"My father," Harlan said, "He was a horrible man one of the worst-- I can't believe I ever wanted to-- ugh" he stopped himself as he buried his head in between his hands. "The point is I don't deserve comfort, I don't deserve your kind words or the way you look at me, I don't deserve you." 

And suddenly it all came flooding back. I was assaulted with the memories of the night I got drunk in Gemma's house, I remembered all the things he said to me and everything I said back.

I grabbed his face and made him look at me "Harlan, you are not a monster" I said calmly. "You are someone that went through a lot, you were abused and used, none of it was your fault," I said firmly. "We've had this conversation before," I reminded him.

"How could you know?" he said, not angry but broken. "That I'm not a monster,"

"Because I know what a monster looks like and you're not it, because monsters don't feel remorse and you do" I sighed "Because I look into your eyes and all I see is good." I reminded him again, I wondered what it would take for Harlan to see himself how I see him.

Harlan stared at me, hazel eyes focused on every inch of my face, focused on taking me in. Slowly his eyes went down and stayed on my lips and mine drifted to his. His full, inviting mouth. The energy changed and he looked at me with hesitation, as if he wasn't sure I wanted it too.

I gave him a small nod and he slowly started getting closer, I closed my eyes, and then--

I saw flashes through my mind, I saw hands in places I didn't want them. I felt lips in spots I did not allow them to be, I felt someone tear into me, break my skin, make me bleed. And I was so startled I jumped back.

Harlan noticed and immediately stopped. I wasn't looking at him, I couldn't look at him.

"Are you okay?" I heard him say but my mind was elsewhere. The scene kept playing over and over again in my head, like the worst and most violent movie I'd ever seen. I couldn't see the other person's face, but I could hear his moans and the sound made my skin crawl.

"Diana!" Harlan said, shaking me. I was suddenly crying, I didn't notice when I started "Di, what happened?" he grabbed my cheeks softly brushing my tears away with his thumb.

The flashes suddenly stopped and all I could see was Harlan's beautiful face scrunched up with worry. His touch isn't like the one I experienced then, it was loving and careful. I was lucky my mind could tell the difference, I was lucky I wasn't repulsed by it.

Because I started rationalizing everything. I stayed quiet for a second stating the facts.

I was assaulted.

I was assaulted and I knew this.

I was assaulted and I was in denial.

I was raped and I couldn't stop it.

I was raped and now I remember everything.

I don't know when I started sobbing or how I ended up between Harlan's arms as he stroked my back. I don't know anything except that I needed this. I forgot about everything else for a second, about the eclipse that was growing nearer, about my fears, and about my pain. I needed tenderness because it felt different because he felt different. He felt at home and I was safe. I found a home because I was homeless.

I found refuge after a storm.

I found someone that will always protect me.

And deep down, in some corner of my mind, I heard something.

I heard:

I found the man I will always love.