Gracious

Chapter 29

A/N - depression upon depression...

TW for the whole chapter

~~~

It felt like someone had drained every last inch of happiness out of the house.

A mere few days ago I'd found the silence comforting, and now it was driving me insane, especially knowing I couldn't do anything about it.

The boys were all walking on eggshells around the place, not being too loud, staying clear of my bedroom while Caleb...self destructed right in front of my eyes.

He refused to go into his bedroom, the constant reminder of the phone call he'd received three days ago on repeat in his mind; he'd slept next to me ever since, and I say slept lightly. I'd barely been able to sleep these past few nights anyway, but the random crying from my brother, the thrashing around when I least expected it, had kept me alert either way.

Caleb had barely spoken, barely even moved, and most definitely not smiled; it was killing me to watch.

But I knew all too well what losing someone you loved more than yourself could do to you, and I knew he just needed time, however long it took.

"How come there aren't pancakes for us?", Xavier frowned, looking at the singular plate on the counter.

"They're for Cub, shh!"; Alexander tapped his head slightly and he snapped his mouth shut, "Scott said he'll make us our own in a minute".

"Oh, I didn't hear that", he mumbled.

"You were distracted, it's fine", his twin assured him with a hand on his back, "is Cub okay Zane?". I couldn't even sugarcoat it in this situation, they knew how much August meant to our brother; they also knew the way in which he'd died.

"He's not", I shook my head slightly, picking up the plate of pancakes with a shaky hand, "he's going to need us now more than ever, yeah? He's going to cry, he's going to be upset, he's going to be angry, he's going to try and push us away- but we'll all be here for him, correct?".

They all nodded instantly, I reached out and squeezed Prescott's shoulder before slipping out of the room, trying to ignore the crushing weight on my chest.

~

Caleb was sitting up in my bed, back against the headboard, deep interest in his fingers, tear stained cheeks. I placed the pancakes on the bedside table and sat beside him, hugging him into my side without a word.

"I didn't even know he was depressed", his voice came out hoarse, that was the most I'd heard him say at once in days, "people are depressed right? When they try to-,". His voice cracked and he buried his face in my shoulder, whole body shaking with sobs.

"I got you", I shushed him gently, "I've always got you".

"He's dead Zane, he's dead", he cried, gripping my T-shirt in one hand as his tears dampened it rapidly, "he's dead, he's dead, he's dead".

"Come here", I could only hold him tighter, wishing I could absorb some of his pain, "breathe, I got you".

"I didn't get to say goodbye", he sobbed, "how didn't I notice? I'm such a-,".

"I'm not gonna let you finish that sentence", I shook my head, smoothing a hand through his distressed hair, "I know the guilt is eating you alive, I know it is- but you can't put all of that blame on you Caleb", I kissed his head, "August loved you, he loved Theo, but he must've been hurting, you can't put that on you".

"What if it was me?", he sniffed, "what if tomorrow I-,".

"Caleb", I cut him off, my own voice cracking, "please don't say things like that".