Infrunami

69

AMIR

Soon enough he looked up to me and so did I with crossed arms, leaning against my seat. He sits up slowly before clearing his throat.

I was hurt,

I was scared,

And for some reason I felt like Darrel was being selfish which I shouldn't have felt. But I did.

"You weren't supposed to find me," He speaks up, his voice sounded croaky and deeper than usual. He wasn't hard to find, I just didn't look in the right places.

This would've been my last place to look in.

"Why?" I ask, my heart feeling heavier in this moment. "What made you do this to yourself D?"

Suicide was looked down upon for men from where I grew up. If you attempted or had committed suicide you were a pussy and you wouldn't get as much sympathy as being shot in the streets or something.

That's why Darrel was so lenient on framing his 'death' to make it seem like he was killed. He was ashamed and he was killed and he nearly did it so well.

He would get Damien arrested as well as completing what he wanted to do all along. Killing himself. It wasn't hard to piece the puzzle, it was just unexpected.

He was smart, but I was smarter. And Damien was too much of a pussy to not speak up about key information I would have needed.

"You won't understand man,"

"I have to live with the guilt of my daughter dying on my conscience every, single day. And then Curtis...and then June and how many others have there been." He replies.

"Why the fuck wouldn't I understand that Darrel? I would understand you the most out of everyone." I retort.

"If you needed me I would be there, I still am and I still always will. I got you, forever D, you know that."

I knew his daughter dying left a huge effect on him but I didn't know it would get this far. I didn't know what to do or how to support him.

I was hurt that my best friend was suffering this whole time and I didn't realise. I didn't think at all.

"I don't like feeling like a burden." He tells me causing me to sigh. I wanted to hit him for not thinking rationally.

But as much as I have been through, i've never attempted to commit suicide. That's one thing I couldn't have experienced.

"You're my brother, why would you ever be a burden?" I ask him, in attempt to lighten the topic.

"I feel embarrassed that i'm here and i'm not dead and it's worse that you're looking down on me for it. You think i'm selfish, I know you do." He replies and I shake my head.

"I am selfish, that's the truth. If I could go back i'd up my dosage and make sure I was dead, I would leave you here with another dead loved one." He says truthfully.

I wanted tell him that it hurt that he'd want that but it wasn't about me. His torture was far worse than mine, I knew that.

"You were struggling, why would I think you're selfish because of that? I feel selfish because I didn't realise what you were going through, I was a bad friend to you." I tell him truthfully.

"They ain't letting me out of here for a while." He chuckles but my face remained still. Nothing was funny, nothing could make me smile right now.

"Darrel you know you're going to move past this and you're going to have more kids of your own. I want you to know that." I tell him, more so I want him to promise me.

"Maybe- not maybe Darrel, you will. You have to. You have to forgive yourself and you have to heal and I'll be there, i'll do whatever it takes to help you but I can't have you dying on me." I ramble, feeling myself on the brink of tears.

I didn't want to cry though, this wasn't about me. I would be Darrel's shoulder to lean on, it shouldn't be the other way round although it has been for so long.

"I will." He says lowly and I nod. I take his words as a vow and I pray that he did too.