Butterfly Effect (Kyle's Lost Twin)

Smiling at my Reflection

Slight trigger warning, mentions the unaliving rate in a paragraph.

The surgery I ended up having didn't cause the vertical scarring that many trans-masc people have. This was super important as, for most patients with that scarring, you can't lift your arms to shoulder level or above for six months. Doing so would stretch the scar tissue and I need to be able to punch shit sooner than that.

(Keyhole or Periareolar Surgeries don't have the scarring that double incision causes if you're interested.)

Leo helped me book an appointment with an online therapist during the weeks I've been recovering and showed me how to book an appointment with an MD. Speaking of which, the dude was a fucking jerk! Not only did he not want to give me my anxiety meds which I've been taking since I was eleven because, and I quote, "Medication is a crutch. You should be able to take care of your anxiety without it." But he also tried to prescribe me new birth control!

Like bitch, first of all, if I could take care of my anxiety without my medication my Mum wouldn't be at the appointment with me! Second of all, I've been taking that birth control since I was thirteen and he tries to prescribe me with the pill?! I'm not taking birth control because I'm sexually active I'm taking birth control because I don't want my fucking period! Fucking dumbass cunt.

Seriously, what doctor tries to change a birth control that's WORKING for their patient?! Finding a birth control that works can be a fucking nightmare for some females, I got lucky and found one that works for me on the third try. Now this bitch tried to take it away?! Fuck that!

My Mum wasn't having any of that and went off on him, demanding he give me the medication that has been working for five and three damn years.

He tried to argue back but that made it worse, he eventually gave in and gave me my prescriptions. My Mum told him we'd be leaving a bad review especially since he misgendered me the entire time too. I miss my old general practitioner... She never once misgendered me and always tried her best to help me. Hopefully, I'll be able to find one here that works for me.

Other than that, this is the happiest I've ever felt in my own skin. All those tears of sorrow I cried before top surgery have been replaced with tears of joy and I cannot express enough how much that means to me.

I never thought I could look at my body in the mirror without wanting to die.

And here I am.

Smiling at my reflection.

It's Monday the twenty-seventh of October, or should I say October twenty-seventh? I'm still struggling with the MM/DD format. I just don't understand why Americans put the month first. The day changes every 24 hours while the month changes every 672-744 hours. You should already know what month it is! If I ask what the date is the day should be first as it's the one people are more likely to forget!

In computer formatting YYYY/MM/DD is used because you need to know the year first, shouldn't that same logic be applied to everyday life? I swear, they only use MM/DD so they can feel special because God/s forbid they do the same as everyone else.

Don't even get me started on Fahrenheit. I hate spelling it too, Celsius is so much easier.

Anyways, I'm finally back at school! I could have gone to school sooner, but I kinda made myself a target for bullies and so I didn't want to risk showing up when I couldn't fight back.

I'm so excited for Halloween, it's going to be the first big event after top surgery. I want to wear a costume that I couldn't have comfortably worn without top surgery. I'm thinking something along the lines of Link from the new Tears of the Kingdom game. I've seen fanart of the first outfit he's in and I reckon I could pull that off.

There's also Spiderman, I've always loved Spiderman. The Spiderman into the Spider-verse movies are my fucking favourite films of all time! Plus if there are other spider people there it would be a total vibe.

I could also do a group thing with either Stan's or Craig's group. I'll just have to see how things go.

For right now though I'm picking my perfect outfit. It's the first outfit I'll be wearing to school after top surgery so I want it to be good. I want to feel good and look as good as I feel.

Finally, I decided on my favourite and headed downstairs for breakfast. "Someone's chipper this morning" My Mum coos as she sips her coffee. "How can I not be when I look like this?" I reply, showing off my outfit. My Mum laughs at my antics, "I haven't seen you show off like this since you were ten. Do you remember? You were finally getting muscles that were visible without you having to flex. You got so excited and claimed you had abs like Spiderman. It was the cutest thing."

I shake my head as my mother reminisces, "How could I forget? I even did the whole strong man pose in the mirror every day for the next year. It was the first time I really felt like a guy." I reply, placing the toast in the toaster.

"You were so happy... Then you hit puberty... I don't think I ever saw you smile in a mirror again after that. All I wanted to do was take away your pain, but I didn't know how..." It takes everything in me not to start tearing up at my mother's words and takes everything more not to start balling my eyes out when I see the tears start to well in her own.

"You did everything you could to raise me into the man I wanted to be. It's because of you that I got to this point. It's because of you that I can smile at my own reflection again." My Mum puts down her coffee and hugs me with her might. I return the embrace, her warmth enveloping me.

"I don't know what I did right to deserve you in my life." She cries into my arms, I swear to God/s she's going to break the dam that's currently residing behind my eyes. "I love you too Mum." Is all I manage to croak out, the lump in my throat tightening.

My face becomes a red blotchy mess after crying. I've never understood how some people can cry and just go back to normal. My face doesn't do that.

My toast pops, signalling my Mum to release me from her arms. She holds my shoulders, as she looks at me with pride-filled eyes "I'm so proud of the man you've become." With a smile, she releases me from her grasp and goes off to get ready for work.

I can't believe I got through that without crying.

I quickly grab my toast, put on my favourite toppings and head to the door so I can sit and eat while putting my shoes on. "Jake! Why aren't you down here yet dude?! Leo will be here soon!" I exclaim as I continue the struggle of eating toast while tying my laces.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Jake retorts, his footsteps thumping down the stairs and almost tripping on the last two. As his foot hits the ground floor, a knock emanates from behind the front door, kicking Jake into overdrive as he rushes to get his shoes on.

Meanwhile, I grab my coat and open the door to see Leo's smiling face. He came over after school every day while I was recovering. He told his parents it was because he was keeping me caught up on school work and while that was part of the truth it was mainly so he could stay the fuck away from his parents.

I'd share my room with him if I could, but unfortunately, his parents have custody of him and my parents don't. I don't even know why they want him around, all they do is yell at him and ground him for stupid shit. Our Uncles' were hoping couples therapy would have fixed that but all it did was fix the Stotch's marriage. Now they ground him together.

"You ready to go?" Leo asks, his cheeks slightly pink from the cold. I remembered to grab my beanie today, according to the weather forecast there will be snow in South Park soon. I feel it, it's getting fucking freezing.

"Definitely! Let's go, Jake!" I exclaim, stepping aside so Jake can hop out of this house, still putting his last show on. I shut the door behind us and we make our way to the bus stop.