Act of love

Chapter Nineteen

Anfisa:

21 December 2021

Dear Diary,

Today is my first day in the mental psych ward, a mental institution. I don't really know, they like to call it the support group here.

I arrived late at night and fell asleep. They let me sleep in on my first day since I fell asleep around 5am.

I haven't seen any of the other people here. They said there are five other people, who are currently on their daily walk of peace. The walk I will have to do too soon enough. I'm curious to see if these five other people are just as crazy as I am. Am I even crazy? Thank God they let me keep my diary, what would I do without it? On one condition, every time I write in it I would have to let them read it, in case I write harmful things.

There are many things I would like to say right now but knowing other people will read this makes me not want to write them.

One of the staff members explained the rules to me and made me repeat them so they are sure I understood clearly. There aren't as many rules as I expected. And it doesn't feel like this is a normal psych ward.

You are basically just in a normal house, just with good vision, constant therapy, and lots of activities. There is a schedule when you eat, sleep, brush your teeth, have therapy, etc.

If you attend to a therapy lesson and talk about how you're feeling, you get a coin. With coins, you can buy things. For spending a day with family is five coins. It's free to let your family and friends come to you, once a day, for one hour.
Going to a zoo or something is ten coins, and getting a drawing pad or phone is five to ten coins. They warned me about trying to escape because there will always be someone with me, no matter what I do. In an hour I have my first therapy session to meet the rest of the group. If I had known healing was in such a peaceful setting, I would've asked for help much earlier.

I can hear them coming home, I will update the diary when there is one...

With a shove, I push the diary under my pillow. I know the staff has to read it but I don't trust the other patients yet. They don't have to know what I write in there. The book is almost full, fifteen more pages until it's finished. A lot happened in 2021, that's why I wrote ten times more than normal. Luckily I brought another one myself, so I don't have to buy a new one here. Hopefully, the rest of 2021 can fit into this book, so I can start a new book in 2022.
"Anfisa? We are ready for our therapy session, are you coming?"
"I'll be right there."
I take one last look in the mirror, the mirror that is glued into the wall, not only that, it's a plastic mirror too.
No, I don't look in the mirror because I want to look good for the rest of the patients. I'm not here to make friends or a romantic partner.
For a short time, I have Zachary, who makes me happy enough. I just want my first impression to be good. Slowly I walk down the stairs, hoping they would find me intimidating.
"Ah Anfisa, thank you for joining us. You look lovely today. Guys this is Anfisa Diamond, come sit down, we left a spot for you." This isn't as bad as I thought. Except for a dirty look from one girl everyone seems to be pretty nice.
I take a seat next to the adulting woman, who seems to be the therapist of the group. There aren't normal wooden chairs in a circle like I imagined there would be. It's just a normal cough, with some chairs and a coffee table in the middle. This place actually feels like a home.
"We are pleased to have you with us, we will do a quick round of introducing before we start today's session. Why don't we begin with you, introduce yourself, and tell me a little about yourself."
"Hi everyone." There grows a slight redness on my cheek as I feel everyone's eyes on me. "I am twenty-one, I have been living in California all my life, currently, I live alone but recently I moved in with my boyfriend." Referring to him as my boyfriend and living together makes it sounds so serious. "We are not that serious though, not that I have to excuse myself. I..." My head falls into my hands, because of all the arrogance I forgot how nervous I actually was about this. No one speaks even a word, they patiently wait until I'm ready to speak again. "Sorry, I... Guess I'm just nervous."
"That's okay, it happens to the best of us, no one is here to judge each other. Why don't you tell us in short why you're here." My heart sinks way down to my stomach. I pick up a feather that is laying next to me, possibly just coming from the fluffy pillow. It twists in my hand before I even start playing with it. "Anfisa? Go ahead." I shake my head softly, hoping she gets the sign that I don't want to do this. "Just explain it in ten words."
"No." A long silence falls, as the tension grows. Great first impression Anfisa, well done.
"You'll have to open up Anfisa, it's okay, you can trust us. This is a completely safe space." My brows furrow.
"I said no. No is also an answer."
"Okay then, let's move on. Remember you won't get a coin for this session if you don't open up." 'Screw those stupid coins', is what I want to say. But I just give her a slow nod.
"Let's start the introducing, I will start, Luna will you follow?" Without waiting for her response she continues talking.
"Good morning, thank you all for being here. I'm miss Adams, one of the therapists here, I've been working here for almost twenty years now, and I'm enjoying helping you all."
"Hi I'm Luna, Luna Brown, I'm glad you're here Anfisa, I'm here because of my constant depression and fear of communicating. Saying this is really hard for me." She takes a deep breath and hides her flushed cheeks behind her beautiful orange hair. I don't think it's natural, but that doesn't change the situation.
"Do we really have to do this?" A girl on the other side of me says, giving me a clear impression.
"Yes, we want to make her feel welcome. Since you want to talk why don't you continue introducing."
"I'm Melody, I'm here because I want to die." She drags in a long slow and dreading breath. "My boyfriend shot his brains out right in front of him, soon I'll follow him." Her words hit me hard. Maybe this doesn't influence me in the positive way I thought it would. "Babe you go next." She says pointing at one of the guys. He seems averagely tall, even though he's sitting down.
"I'm Nolan Davies, I've been here for eight weeks and five days because I saw visions of..." The forced smile he had put on his face dropped.
"You don't have to tell us what of right now Nolan, thank you for introducing yourself. Nina, will you please fill the silence?" 'That is a weird way of asking someone to introduce they're selves.' I want to say, but I don't again. I stay quiet and be nice to everyone.
The feeling of not wanting to be here grows and grows.
"I'm Nina Jones, my favorite thing to do is hockey..."
"Just an introduction and telling us why you're here is enough Nina." Her face glows red, she lifts her knees up to her chest and completely locks herself out.
"Self harm because my parents are dead."
"I guess I am last, I'm Laurence Spencer and just as Nolan I am having visions. Usually of people hurting my loved once."
For the first time since I walked into this room I make eye contact with him, strong eye contact. There is a slight connection between us, maybe even a spark. I break the eye contact in an instant when Zachary enters my mind.
"Great! Thank you all for introducing yourself a bit, lets keep today's session very short, you can have the rest of this hour free for yourself."
Everyone's eyes spin around the room to the clock. 11:26AM, according to the schedule that is crumbled up in my back pocket, I have a free time until 12pm.
I put my hands on the seat beneath me to get up from the chair. There is no need in my body to go spent this free time with any of the other members.
"Anfisa, will you please sit down for a moment, I'd like to have the rest of the session private with you." I roll my eyes to the back of my head when I'm not facing her.
"Listen, I understand more than anything you don't want to open up yet in front of five people you don't know, that's why I requested a short one on one talk." She waits a beat, hoping I would open up on my own, but I don't. I stay silent, waiting for her to say more things to me. "Why don't you start by telling me the reason why you or other people thought you needed to go here." I scrunch up my nose, feeling pathetic.
"I harmed my boyfriend. That's all you're getting." She sighs on the top of her lungs, there is a trace of disappointment.
I smile a little too big and run off to my room, which doesn't even has a door I can slam. I need to hit something, I need to put my frustration on materials. I swipe all things laying on the stupid desk next to my bed on the floor. Even though it's just a singular pen with exactly three pieces of paper.
"Someone is feisty." A dark voice behind me says, in an instant I turn around to see one of the two guys, Laurence if I remember correctly.
"What do you want?" He pulls a annoyed face and relaxes his furrowed eyebrows.
"I don't "want" anything, you're one of my housemates, I'm interested in getting to know you. What got you into the support group." I roll my eyes.
He probably thinks he has a magical power over me. The pen rolls over the floor waiting to be picked up, so I do, while I take a seat on the abused chair.
"If I don't want to talk to a therapist, I certainly don't want to talk to..."
My eyes scan all over his body. The beige clothing looks good on his skin. Not pale white, not chocolate dark, just in between. It matches his dirty blonde hair and lets his ocean-blue eyes speak. If he wanted to I'm sure he could be a model. He notices me staring at him and grins, such an arrogant grin.
"Go on, finish your sentence." The way he dresses and looks at me has made me forget all about what I was saying.
"Maybe I murdered someone, and I'm going to jail after I'm out of the ; support group'." Curling my fingers next to my head when I say 'support group' He laughs at my sense of humor, he laughs with his teeth, perfectly straight and white teeth.
"I almost murdered my ex, because I saw a vision of her killing my dog." He takes a seat next to me on my bed, not even asking for permission. "That dog means everything to me."
"Who said I wanted to hear your story?"
"Fine, I tried." He jumps up from my bed and goes to walk to a different room. But then the guilt hits me.
"Wait, sit back down, tell me more." Laurence crosses his arms before he sits down in the exact same spot.
"Layla was her name, she died of heart failure." The mood flips from tense, to extremely sad. I don't know which one I hate more. "I can't help but think she died of the stress I put her in, constantly having these visions and taking it out on her. Almost killing her because I thought someone else was going to do it before me, and I thought I was protecting her." It surprises me that I barely know him and he speaks all his true thoughts to me. But I listen to every single thought he has to say. "I always want to protect my loved ones."
"I do too." A slight smile appears on his face like he's happy we have something in common. "I'd go to any length to protect my loved ones." I say.
"What are you doing with the newbie?" Melody is standing in the door opening asks, the door opening without a door.
"Is it any of your business? Don't you have to be with your boyfriend?" I ask in a defensive tone.
I didn't mean to make enemies here, but this girl named Melody makes it hard. It feels like I instantly proved my point, I'd go to any length to protect my loved ones, even though he isn't exactly seen as a loved one yet. Just a simple friend, my first friend here. She pulls a face of disgust as she walks back out of the room. Laurence chuckles softly, the purest laugh I've ever heard.