𝐖𝐀𝐑 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐓 | 𝟏𝟖+

FORTY

A L Y S S A

"And he said 'It's supposed to be fun, turning twenty-one'. Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it."

. . .

The next four days go by in a blur, yet at the same time so painstakingly slow. I do everything on repeat, and that's just because it's mandatory.

As soon as I'm done showering, I always climb back in bed and hide underneath my sheets. I try to listen to music or watch a show, but nothing can hold my attention.

My thoughts always stray back to him.

Sometimes, I watch my phone just in case he'd call or text me.

I know he'd never do it, but my heart hopes so.

Those same words echo around in my head and even though they hurt me deeply, I'd gladly let him use me again if it means being close to him.

On the fourth day, I wake up without feeling an ounce of happiness. I stare at my ceiling and feel the tears slide down my temple.

I lay there in silence and focus on my breathing, but even that doesn't help to distract me.

When there's a soft knock on my door, I glance at it and my voice is raspy when I call out, "Yes?"

My best friend enters, a soft smile on her face and a cupcake in her hand with a candle stuck in it.

"Happy birthday, love."

The corner of my lips turns up in a weak smile and I sit up in bed. "You made cupcakes?" I ask and scoot closer to my headboard to lean against it.

"Technically, my mom made them," Zai says sheepishly and takes a seat on my bed. With a lighter, she lights up the candle and softly sings a birthday song.

"Thank you," I grin when she's done and I lean in. Closing my eyes, I make a wish and blow out the candle.

I wish the pain eases.

"Any plans for the day?" Zainab asks as soon as I've taken a bite out of the delicious cupcake.

"Just the club this evening," I shrug. "A visit to my parents' house and some more cake. I want to stuff myself full today."

"Understandable," Zainab says and manages to haul me out of bed. Once she's dragged me out of the comfort of my room, I see a dozen more cupcakes.

"This will be my breakfast," I murmur and sit down at the table. Her mother even made cake popsicles for me, and the thought makes me smile.

After I'm done eating my first dose of cake today, I drag my ass to the bathroom and take a shower.

The urge to wear something pretty and feel good is lacking and has been for a while. So I just stick with some loose pants and a red top, yet it all feels so unflattering.

"I better see you going out of the house tonight wearing something fancy," Zainab says when I walk out of my bedroom.

"You will," I grin, though it's not convincing. Together, we take my car and go to my parents' house.

"What do you think they'll surprise you with?" Zai asks on the elevator up.

"No idea, actually," I sigh. As soon as we hit my floor, I try to cheer up when I walk inside.

I do, and yet it all feels so fake and exhausting.

When we walk into the living room, I hear shouts of "Happy birthday!" coming from all around me.