Is this love? | Hyunlix - DISCONTINUED

Mentally sick

Felix was so ashamed.

He felt stupid, dirty, embarrassed. He wondered how he could fall into such a trap. He wondered how the guy he trusted so much could do something like this.

But then he hit himself in the forehead. He trusted so many guys, Daejung had nothing more or less than the others. Then he put the blame on himself. He was a whore, he opened his legs to the first person who passed, but the worst thing was that he opened his heart first.

There was something wrong with him and he didn't know how to fix it. He opened up too much, he trusted too much and, above all, too quickly; he fell into the games of others, and it was always his friends who made him understand, because he did not have a single brain cell to notice their games and their teases.

Felix was so stupid. So useless. So childish. He always counted on others to help him solve his problems. He always took it out on others and asked for a hand. He couldn't get out of his problems on his own and that made him feel weak.

That night he slept hugging Jisung. He cried in his arms and fell asleep without even realizing he was tired.

He didn't go to school the next day. He had stayed all morning and afternoon locked in his room, and had only received a few calls from Jisung who wanted to make sure the blond ate and was fine, as much as he could.

Hyunjin didn't call him, didn't text him, didn't show up all day. Each time, at the thought, Felix's heart writhed in a painful squeeze, which even he could not explain.

Each hour that passed, he hoped for a sign of life from the raven-haired, but nothing happened. It was late in the afternoon, when he grabbed his phone to look for their chat, that he noticed that they did not have a chat together, because they had never exchanged their phone number. How stupid.

He couldn't even text or call him if he wanted to, but he could have known the room number of the blond if he'd only asked Minho if he wanted to know.

Apparently Hyunjin didn't care about Felix anymore. And for too long he wondered what he had done wrong. Perhaps he had let himself go too much. Perhaps it bothered him to have to console him, thus ruining such a good day. Maybe he showed that part of himself too soon, and the raven didn't like it, couldn't stand it.

This made him feel a knot in his stomach and a new vortex of sadness sucking him in.

Maybe he was worrying too much.

He lay down on the bed and covered himself with the blanket to the chin, crouching and clutching.

Maybe he was taking too much interest in Hyunjin and his presence.

His gaze landed on his phone, resting on the bedside table next to his bed. He observed it without really thinking of anything, when a sudden thought was dug into his mind.

Instagram.

Maybe he had written him on that social. He had not received notification, but maybe it took a while to arrive, who knew?

He was disappointed, however, when he realized that his expectations had been too high and did not dictate the truth.

He looked at his profile, as if he hadn't done it at least five times since he first spoke to him.

There was a new post that stood out above the others. He noticed that it was published that morning at 4:24 a.m. Maybe he hadn't been able to sleep, again.

It was a painting. Looking at his profile, Felix had discovered that Hyunjin liked to draw, so the post of his work was nothing new.

The blond liked to look at his drawings as closely as he could, comment on them among himself, try to trace them back to something or, as in that case, to someone. He appreciated his art, his style, the colors he chose, the subjects. He loved everything about his way of being. He loved his eyes, his smile, his grip. He loved to be in his arms, he loved to see him, even if only briefly. He loved his laugh, and he loved it when he himself caused that laugh. He loved hearing his voice, watching his gestures, the embarrassed smiles hidden.

Felix loved everything about him.

He was looking at the painting very carefully. He was looking at the choice of colors, the style, and especially the subject. The shape of the lips, the nose, the eyes.

He could never figure it out, though. The door was suddenly opened and it forced him to turn off his phone in an abrupt gesture.

When he looked up, Jisung was watching him, closing the door behind him, with some brownies and peach juice in his hands. He laid them on the nightstand.

"I brought you these". The blond had eaten very little at lunch, he had to put something in his stomach. The brown-haired hoped to convince him with his favorite dessert.

He sat on the bed next to the other.

"Thank you". Felix sat on the bed in turn and grabbed the plate. On second thought, he began to feel a bit hungry.

Jisung felt a pinch in his heart when he noticed his red nose and slightly swollen eyes.

He retracted his eyes from the blond, laying them on his knees, where his hands were leaning in a hard grip, outstretched. He felt so bad for him.

He looked back at the boy next to him.

"How are you feeling?"

Such a stupid question; they both thought so. But what else could he say?

"A little better actually". Felix was mentally sick, but he felt he was recovering faster than he thought. So, one afternoon of crying had been good for something.

Jisung stared at him for a while, lost in his thoughts, looking him in the eyes but not being reciprocated. The other boy had his eyes on the brownie he was eating.

"I don't want to leave you alone," he muttered rather to himself than to the other boy, "tonight I think I'll stay here," he informed him.

It took a short time for Felix to remember from those words that the party would be a few hours later. His mind was darkened with thoughts.

One of those was guilt. The guilt of ruining a night for his best friend. There would have been others, of course, but that particular night he had planned to go to the party with Minho. And he really wanted to go.

Even if Felix had reassured him in every possible way that it would have been fine even if he hadn't been there, Jisung wouldn't have given up and would have stayed with him, the blond knew this from past experience.

Initially his eyes did not move, they remained low. His brain was trying to work out some convincing sentences, or something anyway, but nothing seemed to want to come out of his mouth. His movements had stopped, and this did not go unnoticed in Jisung's eyes.

"Is everything okay, Lix?" it was when that question came out that Felix finally looked at him.

"I had planned to come to the party tonight" it was only when those words left his lips that he noticed what he had said. He had been reckless.

"Really?".

The blond's gaze was uncertain, his words hesitant, "Yes" he almost stuttered. " I wanted to shake off this depression," he explained, not even fully convinced of his own words, "And so, well... yeah, I thought I'd come too". The insecurity added in his voice under the watchful eye of his friend, those eyes that deprived him of any armor, that completely undressed him, under which he was an open book.

They looked at each other for that short time that seemed an eternity to Felix. Between those looks the words not spoken out loud came out as clear as the light of the sun, at least to them. They studied and understood each other, and Jisung knew for sure that he could not win against the other's intentions. When Felix put something in his head, anything to benefit other people, like in that case, he would do anything not to go back on his words, even if he could end up suffering from them. And Jisung would do anything to stop this from happening. He would try to distract him from anything negative and give him a good time. He had it coming.

"Okay," he gave in under his imploring gaze, "but if you don't feel like staying and want to come back here at any time, tell me, okay?" he made him promise.

Felix answered without a second thought, "Promised".

New chapter! I'm not really sure about some parts, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
I've been a little distracted lately because I've been having some family problems, but it's gradually resolving so there's nothing to worry about ^^
I will be back to publish every week as I did with previous chapters.
That's all for now, see you at the next chapter! Byeee!