Is this love? | Hyunlix - DISCONTINUED

This is wrong

Felix didn't feel bad. He was fine.

It had happened several times before that, he was used to it. Perhaps the words he had spoken to him would have stuck in his thoughts for a while, but that would only make him better as a person. He would have been fine.

After a weeping afternoon, he realized that there was no point in crying for him. What was he to Felix? Felix had wondered.

A guy he had sex with.

There was no point in wasting tears and time on a boy who had explicitly told him that he didn't want him, perhaps in a rude way and with additions of words he could avoid saying, but those were minor details.

Felix smiled, not caring about the way his heart twisted when he ran into him in the hallways, or when he heard his voice from afar, or when he walked into class whenever they had classes together, or when he saw his new posts on social media.

The pain would soon pass, so he didn't worry. He hardly even noticed the heaviness he felt in his chest.

He had fallen in love with other guys before him. It had already happened, it was nothing new.

He'd spent little time with him, too little time to bond. It would have been enough to avoid him for a few more days and everything would have returned as before, perhaps even better than before.

Felix would have been free from those chains that pretended not to see or feel on his body that held him tied to the raven-haired boy. He would curl his sweet lips upwards whenever they squeezed tighter, as if he wanted to hide something that even he himself could not give a shape or a name from how much he avoided it.

When Hyunjin went into the kitchen to get a snack, Felix had promised himself not to look at him, to avoid him. But his eyes could not help but rest on that wonderful body and that face with those angelic features under which a monster hid that had broken him.

And he was gone as he came, not looking at him and with a highly irritating nonchalance. Quick but firm steps.

He watched him go, get away from him without any problems or messy thoughts in his head. He had forgotten him quickly. Understandably, he thought. He couldn't force him to stay in the same spot forever. They would have to get over it and they were doing very well.

But deep down, Felix was not fine.

"Stop doing that" Seungmin had said in an evening like others under the starry sky that could be seen through the window of the blond's room.

"Doing what?" the other boy's tone was a whisper, as he detached his gaze from the immense black illuminated by those infinite celestial objects that shine with their own light. His voice could only be heard by the only person in the room with him.

It was an almost imperceptible phrase that followed.

"Pretend to be okay".

As for the other person involved, he knew he was not doing well.

He wanted to forget him and he was convinced he could do it. In the days following that which had broken them he had slept with several people. A classmate that was in his physics class, that friend of Yeongin's with the raven hair and Chan's blonde friend. You cannot say that he had not felt good in those moments, indeed had been fantastic as always.

But that happiness, that lightheartedness, lasted an hour at most, then everything returned as before.

The thought of Felix seemed to be just waiting to get back in his mind to end those moments of peace.

They were gripping him.
The thought of his soft blond hair.
Of his sweet smile.
The aura of joy he always carried around.
The kind looks he gave him.
His way of being so delicate.

And Hyunjin thought he was an idiot for giving in —although not apparently— to his touch, his voice, his scent in such a fast and deep, intimate way.

Every now and then he wondered what did Felix have different from the others, what had he done to reduce Hyunjin to such a pitiful state; what, specifically, had made him attract so much to the blond.

He had not openly surrendered his heart, but he knew that it was now in his sweet hands. He had stolen it, and Hyunjin hadn't even noticed. He hated him for it. He hated him...

Or at least, he wanted to hate him.
But he didn't love him either.

Hyunjin couldn't love. Or at least, he couldn't love properly.

For him, loving meant giving everything. Everything you have. Your heart, mind, thoughts, body. Get the other person everything they wanted, even if it went against what he wanted, because it was right.
You have to make the person you love feel good even at the cost of giving up your own well-being.

But in Felix's case it was not that. In his case it was about watching from afar. He appreciated him with the gaze of those who don't know how to love.

Hyunjin captured him, captured his reflection, his movements, even his shadow, with quick looks, almost afraid of being reciprocated, even if deep down this was what he really wanted.

He would walk in the hallways hoping to cross him.

He would stop at the class door at the exit and wait for him to come up, take his hand and ask him to speak.

He would look at him with that burning look, dirty with that feeling of jealousy that scratched him whenever he noticed him talking to anyone but himself, who instead was forced to stand in a corner, alone, without being able to do or say anything, because he himself had ruined what was beginning to happen between them.

Every now and then he would be enchanted to observe the cell phone, waiting for a message or a call from him, ending up with tears in his eyes at the thought of what he had done, of what he had ruined.

He went to sleep with the knowledge that, even that day, nothing had changed between them, nothing had happened, and with the illusion —that more and more went away and abandoned him— that the next day something would change.

He would wake up in the morning with a burning conscience that the door of his room would not be opened by that boy with thick blond hair and that in his cell phone there would not be that 'good morning' message he was waiting for, because everything that happened between them had not been a dream.

And then it went on like this, in a loop that seemed infinite, from which, he well knew, it would be very difficult to get out.

Sorry I couldn't update this story in the past two weeks, I have been so busy.
But here I am with a new chapter, I hope you like it. ^^