Is this love? | Hyunlix - DISCONTINUED

In the silence of the night

Hyunjin didn't remember how they got there; he didn't even care.

Felix stood in front of him, looking at him with a sweet smile on his face and laughing eyes. A slight, almost imperceptible blush was smeared on his sweet face and the freckles were clearly visible.

Hyunjin was confused, but he smiled. He smiled with an open heart like he had never done with anyone else until then, because he trusted Felix and believed in his kindness, he knew he could be himself with him; he felt strangely comfortable around him.

The blond quickly approached him and embraced him, tightly wrapping his arms around his shoulders, which he almost immediately reciprocate, despite the sudden way of the gesture.

The embrace didn't last long, and Hyunjin enjoyed every single moment of it. When Felix broke away, the raven-haired wondered if this was all he deserved —just a hug, nothing more— without thinking about what he had done until then.

He wondered if he really deserved only this, a silence from the boy in front of him, who immediately left. Hyunjin instinctively lowered his gaze to his feet, noticing that his gaze was slightly more blurry than before. He turned it to his left, the direction where the blond had gone, wanting to see Felix and maybe even tell him something, but he did not lift his head. He remained as he was, looking at the white floor as his eyes became more and more blurry.

He closed his eyes and suddenly couldn't feel the floor under him. A second later he was lying on his bed, in the still dark room. His eyes weren't too heavy and he could open them easily enough to see the time on his phone.

1:26. He had slept about 1 hour and a half. He suddenly felt his bladder beg him to be released and decided that it would be better to go to the bathroom or he could not go back to sleep, but when he sat on the bed, having trouble getting up and doubting if it was better to stay where he was, an awareness created by the memory of the dream he had made hit him hard.

'Fuck everything and everybody', that's all he could think of. He wasn't angry, he wasn't happy, he wasn't excited or confused, he was just sad and tired. He didn't know what else he could feel at the time, except a deep melancholy and regret.

Which is exactly why he went to Chan's room. Hyunjin was the kind of person to overthink everything, hurting himself more than he would or should have, and the silence of the night didn't help at all. He had too many thoughts on his mind and he knew that he would not be able to go back to sleep —or even do something, go on— without talking to someone.

And Chan —that, like most nights, was still awake— had agreed to listen to him with a warmth that only he could emit.

Hyunjin had made a couple of initial attempts, but failed. He was not good at expressing his emotions in words, and he didn't really know what to say, how to explain to the eldest everything that was going on in his mind.

"You talk, I'll put the pieces together".

Hyunjin swears he almost begun to cry in hearing those words, but he spared his voice for more important matters, and Chan listened carefully and pinned every word that came out of his lips, nodding and occasionally making sounds of understanding.

"And the bad thing is I haven't even gotten that close to him yet I feel something I don't even know how to define! Is it love? Or just a little crush? Or do I not even like him but my brain is stuck on this image of him as the perfect guy? I can't take it anymore. Sometimes for me he's a bastard who made me feel bad, even if it's not even his fucking fault! I'm the one who pushed him away and it's my fault he's not with me anymore and I regret it so much, the blame is not on him. Once, he looked at me and giggled, that was before the fucking mess I made, and I thought about it for days, thinking he'd find me an idiot and like to make fun of me, that he found me a loser or whatever and I was nothing to him. And while we were getting to know each other, there were times when he didn't talk to me while I wanted him to talk to me so badly, and then I got hurt, even though I could have just done it myself, but my insecurities were weighing me too much at first to do it so casually, do you get it? And there are times when I feel like I can't live without him when we literally haven't spoken in, like, three weeks now? I think and rethink about whether it is better to go to him and apologize, or just start talking to him again casually, but I can't do it because he won't want to and he's hating me right now" his eyes were shiny with tears long held back. "I hate the feeling that I get in my chest whenever I look at him, it only reminds me that he will never reciprocate my feelings".