He With The Jewel Eyes // A Grey Harry Potter - Time Travel AU

Special Episode!!

As thanks for helping me ban the plagiarist's account, here is a special crack episode!

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Harry, age 5: *looks at Rose painting with crayons while he reads a book on advanced arithmancy* Pathetic.

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Ron: *waves wand* Wingardium leviosa!

Hermione: It's levi-ohh-sa, not levio-sahh!

Harry: *snorts* Levio-sahhh! *lifts quill while casting wandless wind magic so his robes flutter coolly*

Hermione: How is that possible? It shouldn't be possible! You cheated!

Harry: *smiles* Prove it, bitch.

Hermione: *le gasp* You-you-Professor! Potter cursed at me!

Flitwick: I didn't see that. Are you sure, Miss Granger?

Hermione: Yes, I'm sure! He called me a-a b-bitch!

Harry: *tuts* *imitates Snape* Five points from Gryffindor for indecent language, Miss Granger.

Hermione: !!! *turns to Flitwick* Professor, he's mocking me!

Flitwick: *scartches ear* I didn't hear anything, Miss Granger.

Flitwick: *turns to audience* I ain't no snitch.

Hermione: !!!!! *turns into a tomato from anger*

Harry: *smiles kindly* Wow, worthy of being a Gryffindor! I've never seen anyone go so red before!

Hermione: *screeches like a kettle and faints from anger*

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Harry, age 1: Oh wow, it's Halloween! Does that mean we're having pumpkin pie today? I love pumpkin pie! *stiffens* Wait a minute-

*door explodes, Voldemort comes in*

Harry: Motherfucker-

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Rose: *sniffs around* Something smells funny here...

Harry: *passing by* It must be your intelligence!

Rose: *snarls* My intelligence is not funny!

Harry: *grins* Yeah, what's funny is how low it is!

Rose: YOU FUCKING- *lunges at him*

Harry: *pops away like a house elf*

Rose: What the fuc-

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Harry: *chilling in the garden*

*a snake pops out of nowhere*

Snake: Hola amigo!

Harry: Hola to you too! *waves at snake then goes back to his business*

*a few seconds pass*

Harry: *freezes then whips around* Wait a minute-

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Harry, on the Hogwarts express: Hmm, this door isn't locked! *opens it*

*Ron is on top of Draco with his first raised*

Harry: *freezes, then smiles* Sorry for interrupting. *walks away*

Ron and Draco, simultaneously: *stands up in panic and rushes to the door* It's not what it looks like!

Rose: *passing by* What's not what it looks like? *looks at them sweaty and red in the face* Huh. *walks away*

Ron: No, Rose, don't leave! Let me explain! It's really not what it looks like!

*By the next day, everybody had heard that Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy were caught 'wrestling' in one of the cabins of the Hogwarts Express.*

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Harry, eating breakfast at the Great Hall: *raises his head all of a sudden* I sense a disturbance in the force.

Terry: What do you mean-

*an owl bursts in, carrying a letter, then lands in front of Harry*

Harry: *eyes widen* Oh shit-

Letter: *starts screaming in Sirius' voice* HARRY JAMES POTTER, DID YOU TELL REMUS THAT I ATE HIS CHOCOLATE?

Harry: *starts running away*

Letter: *follows him* HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET BETWEEN US! NOW MOONY'S HIDDEN MY FIREWHISKEY AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE IT IS! WHAT AM I GONNA DO? HOW THE HELL WILL I SURVIVE? I-

Harry: *jumps into the Black Lake*

Letter: *follows, still screaming*

Harry: Motherfucker-

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Sirius: *grins*

Remus: *eyes him warily* What did you do?

Sirius: *keeps grinning*

Remus: *slams on the table* What. Did. You. Do.

*there is a knock on the window*

Remus: *opens it, eyeing the owl carrying a large package warily* Sirius, did you order something?

Sirius: *shakes head, still grinning* No, why? *eyes widen in realisation* Oh shit-

*package suddenly launches at Sirius and explodes*

Sirius: *closes eyes and gets hit* *waits for a bit, eyes still closed, confused* Wait, nothing happened?

Remus: *starts snickering*

Sirius: *opens eyes* What are you- *looks down to his clothes* Motherfucker-

Sirius's second head, growing from his chest: Hola, amigo!

*The head did not disappear until the end of the week and screamed Sirius's deepest secrets at passers-by*

*Needless to say, Harry received another Howler just a couple of days later*

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I hope you enjoyed this! :))