Hunted - A Pentatonix / Avi Kaplan Fanfiction

Chapter 13 - All My Fault

A quick note before the chapter starts: This chapter contains some graphic scenes of self-harm. If you would not like to read it, you can skip to the very end of the chapter for a summary of the whole chapter :)

Avi's POV

I hear Mitch, Kirstie and Scott shuffling away to the back of the tour bus, muttering worriedly to each other.

I bury my face into the couch, letting my tears seep into the fabric. Kevin hates me. My best friend hates me...

I can't help but keep thinking about his words: at least I didn't let my mother get killed right in front of me...

All of a sudden, a thought occurs to me that makes me freeze, my heart pounding fast.

What if Kevin's right?

He... He's right. I did let my mother get killed. I could have stopped my dad. But I didn't. All of this... It was all my fault.

A small whimper escapes my throat, and tears begin streaming even faster down my face.

This is all my fault...

My breath hitches in my throat, and my head starts spinning. All of this is my fault. It's my fault that my mother died. It's my fault that Kirstie almost got shot.

Panic grows inside me, my breath coming in jagged bursts. I quickly get up and lock myself in the small bathroom on the tour bus. I don't want to be near anyone right now.

I curl up on the floor, my back against the cold tiles of the wall, my whole body trembling uncontrollably. All of this is my fault.

Through the blur of my tears, I catch a glimpse of a silver glint on the counter next to the sink. I blink away the tears, to see a razor lying there. Before I can even register what I'm doing, my hand has reached out. My fingers curl tightly around the razor, gripping the handle hard.

I shut my eyes. No. I can't do this. Or... Can I?

I deserve to feel the pain. I deserve the punishment. All of this is my fault. It's my fault that my mother died. I... I let my mother die.

In a fit of anger with myself, I suddenly slash at my forearm. A stinging pain shoots up my nerves, causing me to first wince then sigh with relief. I deserve this.

I watch as deep crimson blood rapidly streams down my arm, flowing down to my fingertips before dripping down onto the white tiles of the floor, making a small splashing sound.

I sigh and lean my head back against the wall, sweat plastering my hair to my forehead. Now that I've started doing this, I know that I'm not going to be able to stop.

I clench my hand harder around the handle of the razor, anger coursing through my veins. Anger towards everything. Towards my dad, towards Kevin, but most of all, towards me.

I need to feel the pain again. My hand acts of its own accord, and before I know it, five more deep slashes are engraved into my arm, a satisfying jolt of pain shooting up my arm each time I slice the flesh.

By the time I finally manage to stop, blood is dripping all over my arm and clothes, staining my shirt and splattering onto the floor.

After staring at the bloody scene in front of me for a few seconds, I suddenly snap back to reality and realise the seriousness of what I've just done. My fingers release their grip on the razor, and it clatters noisily on the floor, landing in a small pool of blood.

My hands tremble uncontrollably, and my breaths are shallow and shaky. I try desperately not to cry, but fail miserably, and end up full-out sobbing.

I start panicking when I hear footsteps rushing towards the door.

"Avi?" Kirstie's voice asks gently as she knocks on the door.

I freeze, having no idea what to say. I try to make some kind of noise, but I just end up sobbing even harder.

"Avi? Can you unlock the door for me?" Kirstie asks anxiously.

I pause for a moment; I guess I have nothing to lose if I open the door. She'll find out eventually anyway, and right now I'm too exhausted to wait for her to break down the door.

I shakily crawl over to the door and reach up to unlock it. The door slowly creaks open, and Kirstie's head pokes around.

I watch as pure shock blossoms on her face. A surprised gasp escapes her mouth as she takes in the scene before her.

"Oh, Avi... What have you done..." She utters, her eyes full of sympathy.

And then all of the emotions I have felt in the past few hours come rushing back to me all at once, and I end up just breaking down crying. Kirstie immediately gets down on the floor next to me and wraps her arm around me, pulling me into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, Kirstie... I'm so sorry..." I whimper over and over again, crying into her shoulder.

"It's okay, Avi, it's okay." She comforts me, gently rubbing my back.

"Can- can you lock the door again? I-I don't want M-Mitch or Scott to- to come in..." I manage to get out in-between shaky breaths.

Kirstie nods and quickly locks the door. She sighs and says, "Can I help you get cleaned up?"

I look up at her like a child, and give a small nod. She gently picks up my arm, hovering her fingers above the cuts, a pained expression on her face.

"Avi... Why?" She asks quietly.

I can't think of a reply, so I just stay silent as she holds my arm under the tap in the sink. She turns on the cold water, and I flinch and wince as the water collides with my cuts, turning the water pink as it washes the blood away.

She gently traces her fingers around the cuts, before wrapping a bandage around my forearm.

"I'm sorry..." I mumble once more, feeling horrible that Kirstie had to walk in on this.

"Avi. Don't worry. Just please... Don't do it again." Kirstie says, looking me in the eye.

I avoid her gaze, knowing that I won't be able to stop myself from doing it again. She sighs, but she seems to understand.

"I'll clean up the floor. You should go to bed, you must be exhausted." Kirstie says.

"Mhm... Um, Kirstie?" I ask, my voice quiet and hoarse.

"Yeah?"

"Please can you not tell anyone about this?" I ask pleadingly.

She nods, "Of course. I won't tell anyone until you're ready."

"Thank you," I whisper, managing to give her a weak smile.

Kirstie smiles that adorable smile of hers, and gives me a light kiss before I leave the bathroom.

I quickly go over to my bunk, praying that Scott and Mitch won't come and bother me. I quickly pull off my blood-stained shirt and shove it into the bin. I get into my bed and curl up into a ball under the covers, feeling more horrible about myself than I ever have before.

Finally, I manage to slip into a fitful sleep.

Summary of chapter:

Avi thinks that Kevin was right when he said that Avi let his mother die. So Avi thinks that everything is his fault, and locks himself in the bathroom and self-harms. Kirstie finds him and helps him to clean up, and promises