Found her

Chapter 47 | Fix it

S A D I E

I just stare at myself, trying to feel something, anything.

I feel nothing. I'm numb.

Graduation day.

A day I thought would bring me great joy, it doesn't. It brings me great sorrow knowing the person I want most to be there, won't be there.

'You're going to look dashing.' Aleena tells me. She smiles. 'Try and have a good time, will you? Just try.'

I smile weakly back at her. 'I will.'

She will look stunning in her red dress, I just know it. Our gowns are off-white, as well as our caps. We all got matching dresses in different colours. Me in blue, Aleena in red, Joanna in black.

'Alright, we leave for our hair and makeup appointment in around two hours, I better go check on Jax, Anna, you coming?' Aleena claps her hands.

Joanna shakes her head. 'Matheo and I are heading out.'

They both look at me. I squirm under their gaze.

'I promised Mom and Dad I will spend time with them.' I lie smoothly. 'You guys go. See you at the salon.'
I say, handing them their dresses, that we will change into at the salon.

The do end up leaving, reluctantly. Both with promises of seeing me later. They have been treating me with caution, scared that I will snap. I'm thankful and annoyed at the same time.

I'm ruining their lives with my dramatics. They have been canceling plans, skipping events, just to stay with me. We don't end up doing anything, they just talk and I listen, not saying anything. They tried getting me to go out, but I refused, and they'd don't push.

I don't have plans, Mom is at the hair salon, getting herself ready for my graduation, and Dad is doing some last minute work in his office.

So that's how I find myself sprawled on the floor of my room, looking through the boxes that haven't been opened since Ezra's death. I'm treading on water, going down memory lane a couple hours before graduation, but I can't bring myself to care.

As much as it pains me to admit, I'm here because of Lucas. Two years ago, I would have never had the courage to bring the memories back to the surface.

I learnt to overcome his death. The guilt will always be there, but I'm the one in control now, not vice versa.

I take out the first couple of photo albums, they are a bunch of photos of my birth. I smile at a photo of a smiling Ezra holding a bundle of blankets which I'm sure is me, and he's smiling widely. He was eleven, which everyone thought was quite a large age gap, but that didn't stop him from loving me unconditionally.

I flip through some in my toddler years, my first day of first grade, a picture of me in front of the school gates, my arms wrapped around a smiling Jaxon. A little note attached to the picture let's me know it's sometime during fifth grade.

A boy in the background catches my attention. He looks so familiar, put I can't place my finger on it. I skip through the pictures in sixth grade, and there he is again. He's older, that is clear, around twelve, maybe thirteen. I skim through the others, and he's there in most of them. Him in my house. Him baking cookies with me. Him in a Halloween costume. Him. Him. Him.

I find a closeup of me and Jaxon and that boy. Jax and I are smiling at the camera, the boy is smiling at me.

That look.

A gasp shoots through my body, my hands start flipping through the rest.

Him, Him, Him.

No, no, no.