Playing with Forever

Chapter 25: Don't Be Afraid

"I don't even know!" I cried in frustration when Birdie asked me about Sam a few days after I met Paula. We were sitting in kitchen after midnight, sharing a pint of brownie batter ice cream in the dark.

"Do you have feelings for him?" Birdie asked gently.

"No, I don't have feelings for him," I said, wanting to push the idea out of my head. "I can't."

"Why not?" she asked, popping a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and talking around it. "It's not like he's dangerous, right?"

"No, of course not," I replied, waving my hand to dismiss the thought. Sam would never hurt me, I knew that. "I just can't like him. I can't like anybody. Not after everything. It's just not possible."

Birdie put down her spoon and laid a gentle hand on my arm. "It is, Abby," she urged.

I shook my head. "No, it's not. I don't know how to love anymore."

In an attempt to make me feel better, she said, "You didn't love him."

"Yes, I did," I groaned, because it made everything worse. "Before everything."

"No, that was a very different type of love," she tried to explain, but I cut her off.

"It was still love," I snapped. "And I most certainly don't love Sam as anything more than a friend. No, I don't even love him as a friend. I can't even do that."

She was quiet a moment, not arguing. "Then what do you feel about him?"

I took a minute to consider. What could I possibly feel about Sam? "I appreciate his friendship," I concluded. "I like hanging out with him. I don't have to be nervous around him. He's not a threat."

Birdie put her hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Don't be afraid of it, Abby."

"I'm not afraid of it. I can't be afraid of something that can't happen. Besides, Sam would never like me like that. No, he wouldn't. So there's no reason to like him. No reason at all. So I don't have to worry about it, because nothing is ever going to happen." I stood, letting my empty spoon drop on the ground beneath me with a clang. "I'm going to bed."

As I shoved out of the room, Birdie called after me. "Abby."

"What?"

"You're never going to get better if you don't let yourself feel."

I shook my head and disappeared back down to my room. The only person I wanted to be around was my cat. Lizzie had mopped up a ton of my tears over the years, and today there were an abundance for her to soak up into her fur.

The next day at school, I saw Sam before first period right as he was getting to school, later than usual. He was changing out of a ripped t-shirt and pulling on a spare sweatshirt he hand stored in his locker just for this purpose. His olive skinned chest was covered in deep scratches that were in the process of healing.

I knew better than to freak out--things like this happened all the time to Sam.

"What happened this time?" I asked as he pulled the sweatshirt down over his toned abs.

He looked down, wiping the dried blood off his hands on the soiled tee-shirt. "A little girl was being attacked by a dog on her walk to school," he replied as if it were no big deal. "I had to intervene."

I frowned. "I don't think I'm brave enough to be immortal, Sam."

He snorted softly. It was a distinctly French sound. "You do not just start out like this. It takes years to build up confidence in your healing abilities and in your bravery. After a while, actions comes without thinking."