He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

Smoking words

The next days were embarrassingly awkward. After what happened at that evening, you avoided both of them, only interacted with Fyodor when you made check ups on his wounds. But you two never exchanged a single word. You ate at seperated times and either were outside or in your room.

You couldn't stand looking at them, especially Nikolai. You felt a sting in your heart every time you had even a glimpse at him. You felt betrayed. Did he know about your feelings? Or did he just not care enough for your feelings. He couldn't be that oblivious, right?

On top of that incident there was also the weird feeling you had since you stitched Fyodor's arm back onto his shoulder. It wasn't only physical but also effected you mentally. You felt tired the whole time like you could pass out every moment and yet you couldn't sleep properly. You often layed hour in your bed, wide awake, exhausted, just wishing to sleep, but your mind didn't let you.

You also became more pessimistic and only saw the bad in the things. Normally you wouldn't care if something didn't work at first try, but lastly it extremely frustrated you, sometimes even bringing you to the verge of crying. You gave up on things unusually soon and were over all barely motivated.

These depressional outbursts weren't something unfamiliar to you. You often had these phases, especially in your youth. But you thought they became better just a month ago. You hadn't been feeling like that for longer and longer and finally began to live a somewhat fulfilled life.

Now however, everything came up again. Things that happened in your childhood, things you always wanted to ban from your mind but came back over and over again. For example:

The woman you grew up with calling 'mother' wasn't your actual mother. She was your step mother, the woman your father married after the death of your biological mother. You hadn't many memories about her, but one was in your head, so clear like it happened just moments ago.

The memory of you standing in the doorway to your parents bedroom. It had been night and there was only a weak, dim light from downstairs. Even though the room was dark, you could see exactly what was inside. You could see your mother, her body limp and lifeless, hanging from the ceiling with a rope around her neck. You didn't remember if you cried or not, but what you could remember were all the sleepless nights afterwards, the scene burned in in your mind.

Your father wasn't much of a help at that time either. He was a cold, stoic man, never looking like he cared. The only thing he did with a passion was working. He worked almost all day after your mother died, sometimes was away a whole week. And one day, after he had been missing for three days, he came back with a woman, who he claimed would be your new mother.

He left you for three days without a warning or explanation, came back married to a woman you never met in your life and expected you to just accept that. Needless to say that you were furious. The fact that you weren't invited to the wedding was the least thing that made you angry. Even though you didn't like the new 'mother figure' in your life at first, you had to spend more time with her.

She wasn't exactly a bad person. She was actually a pretty nice woman. She often talked to you, played games with you if you wanted and even taught you some things. But it never felt like it came from heart and more like she was being polite. She couldn't replace a mother. At this time in your life you felt the most helpless and the most lifeless.

But then came Nikolai. He invaded your life like a sunshine through the heavy dark clouds on a stormy day. He was the light at the end of the tunnel of your pain and sorrow. You never had a person like him in your life before and things started to get better. At first you were friends, often going on walks in the forest or hanging out at the playground. Soon both of you started to catch feelings for each other and became a couple.