He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

Replaceable

TW: depiction of suicide/suicide attempt

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Standing in your bathroom, you stared at your own reflection in the mirror. You looked completely disheveled, your hair was extremely messy and you had bags under your eyes. Your skin had an unhealthy colour and you definitely hadn't take care of it in a long time. Your eyes looked the worst though.

They looked dull, slightly red from crying and exhausted. The colour seemed to be sucked out of them as well as the life. At this point the thing you saw in the mirror wasn't a human anymore. It was alifeless vessel without a soul like a toy that wasn't used anymore, lost interest in and eventually forgotten.

It has been some days since the new year began and something had drastically changed yet you couldn't quite say what. After christmas everything in your mind had calmed down slightly so why does it happen now? Why were you suffering at this exact time in your life. What was even happening to you? With the beginning of the new year, your mind had decided that it was fun to see you tortured and in agony.

It was just so frustrating.

Just as you thought it was getting better, your life took a complete turn and now everything was going down. Your hallucinations were getting more intense to the point where you quetioned if there was anything around you that was real at all. Or was there even something called "reality"? Or was everything just made up. Was the world around you just an illusion from the start? Maybe it was all just a dream. Your childhood, your parents, the death of your mother, Nikolai, Fyodor. Maybe they are all just fantasies made up by your subconsciousness. Or even by someone else entirely.

Was humanity even real? Or was it also just an illusion? Hallucinations or ghosts? Maybe it was all just an experiment by a creature we view as "God" or whatever people called it. Or just a dream and you would wake up any moment. Hopefully it was that and you would just wake up in a completely diffrent life with completely different people by your side. Or you didn't wake up and would be stuck in this nightmare forever where nothing seems to have any sort of meaning anymore. It was just...useless. useless to be here and endur all this pain and suffering inflicted on yourself and others.

If others were real. If others could feel pain. Or they were some programmed enteties that were just dare to make everything seem more meaningful. That the world isn't just your personal torture chamber. Was that why you felt so lonely all the time? Why it seemed that you were the only one that felt this way and that nobody in the entire world, which even might not be real, could understand you? But what about Nikolai? Or even Fyodor? Both felt different but that didn't make you feel better if you were honest.

Over the time from start of the new year til now you developed a strange kind of hatred towards everyone around you. You couldn't stand being near them. Neither Nikolai nor Fyodor nor any of the orphans or anyone else. Being around them made your skin crawl and your body ache. It was like you were crushed by their mere presence.

Breathing was so incredibly hard, your chest hurt every time you inhaled. Exhaling wasn't better either. You couldn't keep your eyes open at all. Exhaustion way your constant companion and even though you did sometimes manage to fall asleep, you were always haunted by nightmares and the shadows around you. You hated nighttime, you hated the darkness. As soon as the sun began to set, you just wished for it to be already over.

Daytime wasn't exactly better. Everything seemed more bright and loud all of a sudden and it was severely incriminating your body and mind. You hated the day just as much as you hated the night. In the morning you suffered from nausea, during the day the feeling of bursting from the inside plagued you and as the evening began, you got a painful headache, making the process of thinking almost impossible for you.