He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

Kiss the pain away

TW: depiction of self harm

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Loud chattering filled the rooms of your childhood home. Everything was nicely decorated and people in fancy looking suits and dresses stood in the usual empty halls that you lived in for your entire life. All you knew was that it was some kind of business event your father had organized. For which reason you were told and it didn't interest you in the slightest. Either way you would've ended up in the situation you were right now. Alone in your dark room.

When you looked out the window you could see the painstakingly decorated garden, the lights that the servants had put up were bathing the area in a soft golden light. Here were also people in lavish clothes, quietly talking with each other. From downstairs you could hear your father's throaty, gravelly laugh. You couldn't remember a single time he had laughed in your presence or your mother's. He was alwys stern and stoic.

You pressed your knees firmer against your chest, resting your head on top of them as you sat on your window sill, looking down into your garden. The place you always escaped to when something was going on in your life, the most safest place in the world for you. Well, to be exactly the only place you felt safe even when Nikolai wasn't around. With Nikolai at your side you always felt safe, no matter your location. You could stand in a raging storm in the middle of a forest with hungry predetors lurking in the shadows or on a floe somewhere in the pacific ocean, far away from any civilisation and surrouded by sharks. As long as Nikolai was with you, you would feel safe.

You sighed, turning your head away from the window. Now was even this place not available for you and you alone. You felt an itch inside your chest at the thought of multiple strangers, walking around in your garden, practically staining it with their presence. It felt like it was robbed from you, like they claimed your territory as their own. This was your garden. Which right had these people to stand where you should be standing.

And the worst part was that you couldn't do anything about it. Your father forbid you to even come downstairs. He didn't want you to be part of this event taking place in your own home. For you it felt like he didn't want you to be part of his life in general. And as much as you want to feel indifferent about it, it still hurt you.

He was your father. He was part of the reason why you were living on this earth. It was his fault that you had to live in this hell. And even though he was supposed to be someone close to you, it felt like he was the person you could never reach. The one person who always had his back on you although he was supposed to love you, to care for you, to ease your pain. He was supposed to be the one person holding you in his arms when you cried, holding out his hand for you to grab whenever you fell. It was him who should be comforting you when you had a depressional episode, not Nikolai.

Yet it was Nikolai, who truly loved you, cared for you and eased your pain. He held you in his arms when you cried, he held out a hand for you when you were laying on the ground. Nikolai was the one person, who was always facing you, having his arms open for a hug. If Nikolai wasn't there for you, no one was. You didn't know where you would be without him. What you would have done to yourself...

You shook your head rapidly, trying to get rid of all these murky thoughts haunting your mind. Instead you tried to focus on something else entirely. Something. Anything. You looked around your gloomy room, trying to make out something in the moving shadows casted on your walls by the trees in your garden. It almost looked like there were creatures with you. Pitch black, without any structure or solid form. Creatures without any emotions or use. Their only wish was to make you uncomfortable, uneasy.

In an attempt to escape these creatures, you closed your eyes, pressing your face against your things only for the dark thoughts you tried to shake off so badly to crawl their way back into your head, nestling in your mind, unwilling to leave. Your head started to hurt, so you pressed your head firmer against your knees, trying to ease the pain.