He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

You can't escape your past

You were a child again, roaming around in the garden of your house. The big house you, your mother and your father lived in. It had a big garden, rich with trees and flowers. Even a small pond with goldfish was there, in the right back corner. It was a hot summer day. You were sitting at that exact pond. Your pants were pushed up over your knees and your legs were dangling in tha cold water. There wasn't really any sense at doing that. You had no plan, no occupation. Just sitting there, staring onto the dark water.

You heard yells and shouting from inside the house but you ignored that. Unfortunatly it wasn't something unusual in your household. You just became used to it after all these years. Since you were alone, you began to sing like you always did when you were alone with nothing to do.

"Two Birds... on a wire."

"One... tries to fly away...but the other"

You were interrupted by a loud scream inside the house. You whipped your head around to see your mother standing at the window, her hair was pulled tightly by your father. Her face was twisted in pain as tears escaped her eyes. She didn't look like she was happy. She looks like father is hurting her. But father would never hurt mother. They love each other. And they love me, they're my parents. They're supposed to love me. All my friends' parents love their children. So my parents must love me too. And they must love each other. That's how it works.

That were your thoughts. You were just a little child. You didn't understand what was going on. You didn't understand what was so wrong about this situation. You didn't know why it was so wrong. You couldn't know. Your life looked like this from the start, you didn't knew any better. The concept of marriage and divorce. The concept of love. And the difference between love and abuse. You didn't know anything about it. No one ever taught you.

So you turned your head around again, looking back at the pond. As you looked onto the water, you could see your own reflection. You're (S/C) skin, your (H/C) hair, your (E/C) eyes. That was you. Your face. Yet you couldn't quite grasp it. What was the meaning of this? Why did you have a face? Why did you have a body? Why did you need it? Wouldn't it be more practical without one? You could do whatever you want, without any restraints. You could go where ever your heart desired to be. If you wanted to talk, you could. If not, you didn't need to. Was that the freedom Nikolai always talked about?

Even as a child you questioned the concept of life. People couldn't be free. They were caged inside their own mind. All that because they cared. Everyone cared about someone or something. Every human desired something, even if it was just a piece of bread and a glass of water. If you wanted to be free, you would have to stop caring. But no one could do that. Not a single human was able to be free completly. All of them depended on something. And the thing everyone needed was at least oxygen. Most people didn't know about their cage. Nor would they care. Then in order to be free, you would have to give up your happiness. And most people would choose happiness over freedom.

But some people weren't happy. Some humans didn't have a sense or a plan in life. They were sad, troubled and didn't want the happiness forced upon them. Or they envied people who had it. Why could some people be happy and some don't? How was that fair? If God really made humans why did he do it like that? Wasn't he a God of justice? Shouldn't it be fair for everyone. But then again God's decisions were unfathomable. If he was real and was equivelant to what the church or other religions made him out to be, he would have his reasons to do this. Even though these reasons were beyond anyone's understanding.

As a child you hadn't have thoughts like that. You weren't able to think like that already. But now as an adult, you began to question the picture of the world your parents forced upon you.

Oh, how easy it was when you were younger. You didn't need to do or know anything. You didn't need to think about such things. Your parents would tell you what's right and what's not. But with growing older, everyone questions their world view at least once. And when you xome ro the conclusion your parents lied to you about everything then BOOM!