Diary of a teenage girl

December [return (to silence)]

Sat. 9

It's unbelievable how long I have not written anything here. Great to comeback. The reason for my absence is at first my pretty busy schedule, but it loosened and I merely forgot. I feel guilty and just wanna apologise.

I must admit that without this virtual diary, my days have passed so rapidly. My grandma has gone to a hospital for 5 weeks, and those 5 weeks have passed so quickly. Hopefully she'll be able to return home soon. My parents, my uncles and everyone were really concerned, and now we all pray that she will come home soon, as she and our grandfather wishes :((

So why do I comeback? Just because it dawned on me that "oh you terrible memory, you've forgotten Wattpad for so long"? No :(( I did struggle a bit about friends, as usual. This is not the first time I feel a lack of belonging. This is not the first time I feel I'm introvert, and I just don't know what to talk with people. Even with closed ones, oftentimes I don't have anything to converse with them. It's just me. And I'm not alone in this. But it makes me (perhaps) a boring person. I don't damage my self-esteem, it's just people's perception about me. One more false assumption is that they deem me as arrogant (which is not true) :(( So to cut long story short, I was blue about my friendships with some people in my class, and I traced back sad days when I experienced the same feeling, and wattpad popped up in my head.

This diary is similar to my own small yet lovely refuge, where I can express everything without being noticed (I hope so).

This diary is where I consolidate my self-esteem, positivity and many more traits that I should maintain and acquire.

So after all, I come back.

I don't really want to update my life, it's still normal (I don't want to spoil some fun stuff in the future, when it occurs, I'll tell you). I want to focus on my main question (it emerged in my head after my decision to come back to Wattpad):

Do my parents have friends like me? Do they stay around their friends all day long like me, then feel sad when something not good happens with their friendships? My choice to concentrate on myself and my future rather than friends is correct, right? And in the whole, what successful people do with their friends, do they share everything like us students?

I thought about my parents, esp my dad, and sympathize. He has friends, a lot of them of course, but maybe he's him so I rarely see his daily friends. And sometimes I do feel that each individual in my family is lonely, though it's vague and not so correct. Or maybe it's just my loneliness that affects my thoughts. But anyway, I realized that I haven't spent enough time for my family. Maybe I'll wake up early and cook food for them. And I'll help my mom, my dad, my brother.

Then I thought about myself. I never deny my loneliness, my negative side, my bad traits. I'm ready to sacrifice the "perfection" to advance in my career later on. I'm willing to endure bad days so that I will shine later, so that my family will be proud of me. Similar to last year. I stayed at home weeks on end to study, and I was alone, for real. Just me with silence, and I learnt, I learnt, I spent me-time, I did what I loved. And I succeeded, to a certain extent, but I did succeed. So yeah, this year, next year, next next year will be like that. As long as I do what I love, and make my family better, I'm willing to endure those hardships.