The Adventure of a Lifetime Awaits

Blush for days

After talking tough to myself, my nerves start getting the best of me. Why the hell do I have to blush so easily? Seriously. This has been an issue since I was a kid and it has never gone away. The way these two keep glancing at me as we are walking, has me a little nervous. They keep glancing over at me and then each other. I can tell they think I haven't noticed.

"Ok boys, why do you keep staring at me? Did you think I wasn't going to catch on? I know I blush a lot. I can't help it! And you are not helping. I'm already self-conscious as is."

Of course, they both start laughing and just looking at each other and back at me. I start looking down at my feet and slowing down. My self-doubt all comes rushing back out. Maybe I should just go back to my apartment. I don't think this is a good idea. Especially if they are going to just start laughing at me because I blush. I can't help it. I feel tears welling up as I slow down even more. Who am I anyway, to think I can actually talk to them? I'm a nobody.

All of a sudden, I feel hands on my shoulders to making me stop.

"Hey, hey, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you upset."

I realize it was Felix who grabbed my shoulders when he starts talking. But I still can't quite get the nerve up to look up. I've been laughed at too much; made fun of one too many times in life. Even at my age, those memoires still kick in and punch me in the stomach. I don't like these feelings. They still hurt. I try. I try so hard to not let these memories overtake me. Sometimes they still slip through, like now. I had hoped my weight-loss would help with these feelings. Therapy has helped, but... Well obviously not enough. I just need to leave.

I pull away from Felix, not saying anything. I start walking away, still not looking up. All I want to do is run away from them. I don't have the chance though, as Chris comes to stand right in front of me. Felix runs up behind me and engulfs me in a hug.

Take some deep breaths Lynn, you can do this. One breath at a time. It's all I can keep saying in my head as I'm desperately trying to hold my tears in.

I slowly look up at him and what I see surprises me. His eyes are full of genuine concern for me. I really wasn't expecting that. I figured on pity, not concern. And if I was being truthful, I really thought he'd be looking at me like I've lost my damn mind. I mean, what grown ass woman is like this? I hate myself for being like this. Leave it to me to have a freaking mental break-down in front of my ultimate bias! Just why do I have to be this way?

"We are so sorry Lynn. We really weren't laughing at you and I'm sorry it felt that way. It's just you're saur adorable when you blush! And well, we really do love your voice. It's not often we get to speak to American's and especially not one who doesn't absolutely fan girl all over us. It's nice just getting to talk to someone who treats us as...well, like normal guys."

Felix releases me from the hug and comes to stand beside Chris. He reaches up and brushes away the tears that started falling unbidden. Next thing I know I'm in another hug, but this time from both of them.

"Now, no more tears love." Felix tells me as we separate. "By the way, where exactly is your accent from? I love it, but I can't remember where we've heard it before. It sounds familiar, but at the same time it doesn't."

I mentally shake myself from the melancholy that had overtaken me a moment before. Will this feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing ever fully go away? What the hell, why now? I look down as another tear slips out unbidden. I quickly wipe it away hoping they don't see.

"I'm sorry guys. Old demons coming back to haunt me just now. Thought I'd conquered the self-loathing, but obviously not. It's not you, this is all on me. I'm a work in progress, in many ways. And to answer your question Felix, I'm from Texas. I was born and raised in Texas. I've lived there longer than any place. It's home. Always has been, always will be, no matter where I live."