The Adventure of a Lifetime Awaits

Is there Hope?

Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
Fall by Kimberley Locke

Three days later.

Three days of waiting.

Three days of sheer, absolute terror.

They had gotten her heart beat back the morning it had stopped, but just barely. We had stood there, holding each other up, as the doctor had turned toward us. We could tell by the look in his eyes, what he was about to say. I had screamed out no before he could say anything. Then, we heard the beep of the machine. Her heart had started beating again.

That morning will be forever seared into my mind. Tony had stepped out to call Chris. I hadn't been able to talk. I couldn't get the vision of Lynn's body lifting off the table. The silence that had followed as we had waited. Don had led me to the chairs and sat me down. The look he had given me was one of understanding. I still wasn't sure why.

The guys had been in and out. Always two were in the waiting room. PD-nim had stopped by several times, checking to see how I, Don and Tony were holding up. In all my years knowing him, I'd never seen him so distraught.

Slowly, over the next few days, they had started weaning her off the meds keeping her in the coma. This morning, they were taking her off the respirator to see if she would start breathing on her own. PD-nim and all the guys were in the waiting room, waiting for the news from one of us. Don, Tony and I hadn't left her side. We couldn't. The fear of something happening too great.

Hyunjin had brought has all changes of clothing each day. Seungmin had brought us our chargers and little snacks. Jeongin had made us protein smoothies, since none of us felt we could eat anything heavy. It was the little things, that each of the guys had done. The were showing their love for Lynn and me, showing their love for their new brothers. They were just as fearful as I was.

Now, the three of us are standing this morning, watching as they turned off the ventilator. At first, it doesn't look like she is going to start breathing. Suddenly, she takes in a breath on her own. Watching her breath on her own, I feel a sense of relief. They had fully stopped the meds keeping her asleep around midnight and now she was off the ventilator. The doctor is hopeful she'll start waking quickly as the medicine works its way from her system. I can't even begin to describe how hopeful I am.

Don and I watch as Tony runs out of the room, smiling. We know he's gone to tell everyone what's going on.

"Don, how are you doing? I've been so out of it, self-centered even, these last few days, I haven't even asked what you and Tony are feeling like. She may be my love, but she is your mother. Can you forgive me?"

"Changbin, dude, it's ok. You think we didn't know how badly you've been hurting? We see it. I'm...ok. I think. I don't know that I'll ever get them shocking her out of my head. And I knew what to expect. How are you holding up, with that? I know I'm going to need to see a counselor and so is Tony. We're pretty rattled."

"I'll never forget it. I-I..." Taking a deep breath, I look up at the ceiling. Looking back down, I can't stop the tears, again. "I thought we'd lost her. If I was feeling that way, were you too? Wait. What do you mean you knew what to expect? How did you know what they were going to do? Oh my god...your dad? No... I'm such as ass for not realizing sooner."

"No, you're not Bin. Yes, because of our dad. Yeah. Um, we got to the hospital and um, saw them shock him before they made us leave. And yes, the fear that we lost our mama has been consuming, to say the least. I'm not sure how I've been sleeping the last 2 nights. I'm beginning to wonder if the nurses have put stuff in our drinks at night to help us."