Reputation (The Lockharts)

Chapter Seventeen

I smile softly while sneaking a glance at Ryder and his father by the elevators at the office.

They are both talking and laughing, unaware of the bustling people working around them. The only time they manage to stop talking and move their attention to someone else is when Jenny, a colleague, steps out of the elevator and greets both of them.

Otherwise, they are in a small bubble.

A twist of longing hits me.

My gaze flicks down to my hands which are in fists. I relax them but can't seem to remove the discomfort around my chest. It feels like a burn but a splinter at the same time.

I exhale while sneaking another glimpse at Ryder and Mr. Lockhart.

The strike hits me again yet stronger.

When I lost my father, I realized how truly lonely I was. My father was the youngest of the family and when he married Mom, he was mid-age. So, by the time he passed out, I didn't have any living family. No aunts or uncles. No grandparents. No cousins.

Since I lost Mom at a young age, neither Dad nor I contacted her side of the family. They didn't attempt either. At this point, I don't know if I have any family on her side.

It wouldn't matter. They are strangers.

The loss of my father hit me hard. I was completely alone. Lonely. I missed him so much. I especially missed having that other person who was part of your family. Your tribe. A safe place.

Maybe that's why I was quick to jump into a relationship with Carter despite clearly not having any romantic feelings for him. I fooled myself for 3 long years, reassuring myself that it wasn't passionate love but love nonetheless. That maybe, I simply wasn't one to have passionate love.

I was mistaken.

The short time I've spent with Ryder has overwhelmed me. The feelings I felt for Carter cannot come close to the overwhelming crush I have on Ryder.

I keep fantasizing every day about him. About his gray eyes that send a rush down my spine. And his smile that spikes my pulse. And his mouth. I want to taste that mouth and feel the stubble scratching my cheeks and lips. I have a terrible fantasize about that same mouth leaving red marks all over my collarbone, down to my breasts and tummy until he reaches my pussy and licks me while chaffing my skin at the same time.

I especially fool myself from time to time thinking that his hugs are more than friendly.

It's been overwhelming trying to get rid of those thoughts. As the day passes, there seems to appear more daydreams.

And now, a new thought is crossing my mind and I have a feeling it won't leave me alone for the rest of the day...Belonging to his tribe. To his family.

How would it feel to belong to another family? And a family like the Lockharts?

It's clear from the interactions between the son and father that they are close. But then, whenever Ryder mentions his sister or brother, you can see the softness in his eyes. You can see the special tenderness he has for them. The fact that he tried to keep his family together after the tragic death of Mrs. Lockhart says how much family means to him.

From what I've heard and seen, Mr. Lockhart is a very family-orientated man, enjoying holidays with his close family and even the staff of the entire company, which he has come to know as his new family.

A family I don't feel I belong to despite working here.

Because of my reputation and some rumors.

The longing hits again.

I wonder what it would feel like to have a large family that really cares about you. That is happy to see you. That loves you despite the mistakes you've made. That accepts you and knows the real you even though there are terrible rumors about you.

I desperately want it and believed I could have it with Carter.

And now...I still long for it but find it impossible. Especially with the Lockharts.

I can't seriously be daydreaming about being accepted into that warm family. It's bad enough that I have a crush on my boss and find him extremely attractive and thoughtful. I don't need more reasons to want to be with him when I know it is a foolish idea.

Ryder Lockhart might come to think of me as a good friend in desperate times, but that's the extent of it. There is no chance he's interested in a girl like me. No money. No family. No connections. Only a good sense of humor, but that's it.

As I shoot another glance his way, I find him staring at me.

The connection of our eyes sends a shiver down my spine and knocks the breath out of my lungs. My entire body feels electrified.

He raises his eyebrows, silently asking me, What's up?

I don't realize I've been frowning this entire time. In order not to worry him, I shake my head and shoot him a small smile. Meanwhile, my heart is doing a crazy jump in my chest and my skin is tingling.

He doesn't look reassured and seconds later, he says something to his father before walking this way.

I swallow hard, schooling my heart from beating so hard. It is impossible, especially when Ryder's eyes are on me.

When he stops in front of my desk, he leans his head down to speak softly to me. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"Nothing," I choke out.

"You sure? You look...down," He exhales, studying my face. An adorable frown mars his features and the urge to rise to my toes and kiss his forehead surprises me.

I need to stop having these thoughts and urges.

"Want me to buy you one of those sweet coffees you like?" He asks. Normally, he would come into the office with one of the sweet coffees after a long night spent working at the office. Now that we live together, he surprised me by buying some similar syrups so I can prepare my favorite coffee at home.

Honestly, at this point, I can't be blamed for having a crush on the man. It is impossible not to like him after those gestures.

"It's fine, boss. I promise. I was just thinking really hard about something. Nothing is amiss."

He raises his eyebrows, intrigued. "Thinking about what?"

You. And your family. And how nice they all are. And how much I wish I could have something like that. I have foolish thoughts about actually belonging to your family.

I gulp hard. "About movies. I was craving some romance movies and didn't know which one to pick for tonight..." I have no idea why I said that. Maybe because my lonely heart is desperately craving some romance and the only way I can get it is through romance books and movies.

"So tonight is romantic movie night?" He musses. His low voice causes hot liquid to drip down to my stomach and coil in a hot ball. "Can't wait."

I giggle. "I don't know whether you're being sarcastic or not."

Carter hated it whenever I picked a romantic movie. He always ended up falling asleep within the first 20 minutes. In reality, he fell asleep in all the movies. It was vexing. I can't help but be an annoying watcher since I love to comment on everything. With Carter asleep, I was left alone, bored out of my mind.

Ryder is a different matter. He's patient while listening to my comments and even adds his own. My brain is fascinated with his comments overall. I'm intrigued on his thoughts of the romance movie if he's willing to watch it.

"I mean it," He chuckles. "Not my first pick, but I've watched enough romantic movies with Evie."

I try not to swoon at the fact that he sits down to watch romance movies with his small sister.

This man.

I swear, it is natural and obvious I developed a crush on him.

"I hope you remember that and don't complain about the lack of communication between the characters," I say and he chuckles at that.